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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be mad if your child eloped?

462 replies

Whattodoab · 22/05/2024 10:09

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 22/05/2024 10:19

When people do this I assume they really don’t like their families to be honest.

If it was a spur of the moment thing and you just did it, that would be one thing. But planning it means that you actively don’t want them to know. Which could be quite hurtful.

CountingCrones · 22/05/2024 10:19

Getting engaged but secretly eloping is a bit contradictory.

Now that everyone knows you intend to get married, I’d say to them you’re going to have a private wedding abroad at some point.

justafleshwound2024 · 22/05/2024 10:20

Whattodoab · 22/05/2024 10:09

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

They'll probably be upset. If you think it's right to tell them, tell them.

justafleshwound2024 · 22/05/2024 10:21

Shit I accidentally quoted again. Sorry :(

Revelatio · 22/05/2024 10:21

I wouldn’t be upset at all. I’d be happy, they’re being sensible and saving their money for a house or whatever they felt most important. Weddings are about two people getting married and not about every family and friend thinking they get a say.

We got married just the two of us, we told people a few weeks before we went (they knew we were going on holiday). Our family and friends were over the moon for us. But then they all love us and we love them so why wouldn’t they be happy for us.

If your parents want a wedding, they should have a vow renewal for themselves and leave you be!!

saraclara · 22/05/2024 10:21

When people do this I assume they really don’t like their families to be honest

I assume that they're just quiet people who don't want to be the centre of attention. As I said above, I can see my DD doing this. And she loves us very much. In fact she's the most family orientated of all of us.

Morwenscapacioussleeves · 22/05/2024 10:22

I would be delighted if mine did that!

I wanted to elope but DH was too scared of his mother 🤣 (she's lovely really) so we asked our parents to come for lunch but took them to the registry office first! My mother was cross she didn't dress up enough but otherwise happy.

PortalMania · 22/05/2024 10:22

elevens24 · 22/05/2024 10:14

Yes I'd be heartbroken even if people feel I need to get a grip. I'd feel very hurt as a mother and it would make me think our relationship wasn't as good as I'd thought.

What are your reasons for wanting to elope? The most important people are the bride and groom, but weddings are generally and traditionally a family celebration.

I think if you want something small then a registry office, with a small group then a party after might be a compromise.

I know people feel like this but I don't understand it. I just went to a registry office with 2 witnesses, and would not mind at all if my DC did the same.

Notthatcatagain · 22/05/2024 10:22

I probably wouldn't have said anything because after all it is their choice but the fact that their choice was to exclude me from the most important event in their life would have coloured my opinion of them. Its not something that can ever be undone so that little bit of sadness would be forever. By all means have the wedding you want but don't choose to hurt your mum and dad. Would it be so very dreadful to have just them there?

sunflowerdaisyrose · 22/05/2024 10:23

I'd respect it but would be really upset not to witness the marriage. I'd tell parents first.

DanielGault · 22/05/2024 10:23

I might be a bit sad, but definitely not mad. It's totally down to the couple.

ntmdino · 22/05/2024 10:23

Absolutely not - that day is about them, not us. And, if it turns out that it's the way they want to remember that day...more power to them. Far better to spend their money on themselves than 100-odd people for whom it's just a bit of a party.

ObliviousCoalmine · 22/05/2024 10:23

No. Your wedding, crack on.

Defender90 · 22/05/2024 10:24

I told my parents, but we didn't tell my DHs parents.

I'm an only child and my parents knew it was what was right for me, if I 'had' to have a traditional wedding we'd never have married.

Phoned DHs parents after the ceremony, they were happy for us.

NDornotND · 22/05/2024 10:24

I'd be happy they were happy. I would only be upset if they included others and not me, or if I wasn't one of the first to know after the event.

WoodBurningStov · 22/05/2024 10:25

Disappointed would be my strongest emotion, but I'd never let them know and be genuinely happy for them too.

I think if it falls into the falling out territory you have to question the relationship with your dc.

You are an adult op, old enough to buy a house, have children and have the wedding/marriage you want.

Ratisshortforratthew · 22/05/2024 10:26

Notthatcatagain · 22/05/2024 10:22

I probably wouldn't have said anything because after all it is their choice but the fact that their choice was to exclude me from the most important event in their life would have coloured my opinion of them. Its not something that can ever be undone so that little bit of sadness would be forever. By all means have the wedding you want but don't choose to hurt your mum and dad. Would it be so very dreadful to have just them there?

Not everyone thinks a wedding is the most important event in their life though. It certainly isn’t for me. For some people it’s more of an administrative necessity that they don’t feel the need to involve anyone else in. That’s got nothing to do with how they feel about their family.

HeavenSentScent · 22/05/2024 10:26

saraclara · 22/05/2024 10:21

When people do this I assume they really don’t like their families to be honest

I assume that they're just quiet people who don't want to be the centre of attention. As I said above, I can see my DD doing this. And she loves us very much. In fact she's the most family orientated of all of us.

But the OPs partner strikes me as someone who does want attention because he knows it will be a big shock when they arrive back and tell people. It will shine far more of a spotlight on them than a wedding everyone knows about will.

thanKyouaIMee · 22/05/2024 10:26

I think my sister might do this - I'd be thrilled for her!

If any member of your family starts doubting your relationship because they couldn't sit in a fancy outfit and hear you say a few words to your partner, they need to get some perspective, and are prioritising what they'd want (attending a wedding) over what you want (a marriage). The marriage between you and your fiancé is what is important - the "wedding" is just a fancy celebration for everyone else!

bloodyeffinnora · 22/05/2024 10:26

are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I would be disappointed if mine did it, but it's definitely up to them and I wouldn't let them know I was upset in any way

ObliviousCoalmine · 22/05/2024 10:26

elevens24 · 22/05/2024 10:14

Yes I'd be heartbroken even if people feel I need to get a grip. I'd feel very hurt as a mother and it would make me think our relationship wasn't as good as I'd thought.

What are your reasons for wanting to elope? The most important people are the bride and groom, but weddings are generally and traditionally a family celebration.

I think if you want something small then a registry office, with a small group then a party after might be a compromise.

It's not about you though is it.

OhmygodDont · 22/05/2024 10:26

It’s their life. Hell it would save me some money and possibly family drama.

Live the life you want, have the wedding you want.

mindutopia · 22/05/2024 10:26

Yes, I would be hurt. My mum did this. Well, she didn't really elope. She had a small wedding with a few close friends. But I'm her only family and she purposefully didn't tell me they were getting married until a week before meaning it was impossible for me to be there even if she wanted me to be. We are an 8 hour flight from each other and I was coming to stay with her a month later, but she said they intentionally chose that time so I 'wouldn't have to worry about being there'. 🙄

Needless to say, we are NC now. Not because of the wedding, that was 12 years ago now. But because the wedding was one point in time in a series of cruel behaviours stemming from her unhealthy relationship with her now husband. She's similarly cut off a lot of friends (who also weren't invited to the wedding btw).

I was really hurt though at the time. It felt very selfish. I think there is nothing wrong with having a small wedding. But having had a wedding, looking back, I didn't need all the fluff - the flowers, and canapes, and speeches - but it would have felt a bit meaningless if the people closest to me hadn't been there to support us. You can have a holiday any time. You can have a party any time. It's the support and witnessing by people in my life that mattered a lot. The fact my mum didn't want me there for that (but did want some random friends and neighbours who she likely doesn't even keep in touch with anymore) really upset me.

Now that's not to say this is the message you're meaning to send. But I think I would be really open with people about why you want to elope and maybe don't make it a surprise when you get back. I think if she had explained it as just wanting it between the two of them, that would have felt different. It was because it was sold as 'we want to save you the hassle of having to attend' when I really would have wanted to be there, that hurt. I would just be honest with people about why you want it to be just you two and give them another way to celebrate with you.

CadhlaWren · 22/05/2024 10:27

I’d congratulate them, respect their decision but in all honesty I’d probably feel hurt, and would worry that our relationship hasn’t been good for them.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 22/05/2024 10:28

I'd be devastated. Really upset. I can't imagine not sharing such a special occasion with my child.

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