Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

I honestly wouldn't care, I think marriage is about the two people getting married and the rest is all a bit of a faffy show tbh

I would just elope & say afterwards however if such actions will start WW3 then this sounds a good idea.
Just tell your parents you need to meet for lunch to discuss the wedding then take them to the registry office!
Low-key & they can't complain they didn't know. In fact, they are extra special for being the only ones there!
Let siblings & family know afterwards & maybe have a nice meal when you get back from the holiday.

I seem to be unusual in that I'd rather not know in advance. Because then I'd have time to wish that I was part of it.

If my DD and partner walked in tomorrow and told me they'd got married, I'd be able to just focus on congratulating them, and asking all about it.

My nephew did this. Announcement on FB the next day. His sisters and his parents were very upset-although they didn't, as far as they could, let him know.

Imagine being upset that somebody you love is having possibly the best day of their life.

I would completely understand my child's decision to not want a traditional wedding and to get married on holiday without all the usual stress and fuss of loads of guests/expectations etc. I have an adult child and (unlike my own mother) although I would love to be part of her wedding day I do not think she owes that to me or that if she decides to get married without guests it would necessarily be any reflection on our relationship.

However, if she did decide to 'elope' I would be upset if she didn't tell me before hand and left me to find out at the same time as everyone else. It sounds rather stupid written down, but I would like to think we are close enough that she would want me to be 'in the know' and to be able to share her excitement with me before they go. I would also be upset if she decided to invite a few guests and not me. But I would not want to risk our continuing relationship by holding a grudge or not talking to her etc.

Amen. I've had my wedding. We arranged it in precisely the way we wanted, and I'd want only the same thing for my child and their spouse.

We also eloped. DH's parents were critical, but they'd be critical no matter what we did and didn't hold back over what they thought was wrong with his siblings' weddings.

Everyone else was delighted for us.

Congratulations, OP!

I would be disappointed if my son wanted to elope, whether I was told or not. I would be sad not to be there to see him get married. I wouldn’t be “mad” about it or bring it up myself, but if asked I would admit I was disappointed.

If he did it without telling me, I'd be very upset and hurt. It's either a self-centred and thoughtless thing to do if he genuinely didn't think/care about our feelings, or a cowardly one if he just didn't want to tell us. Both traits I wouldn't like to see in my son.

I believe couples should do what they want for their wedding day, but they have to accept that other people will have feelings about those choices.

We eloped. Did the Gretna Green thing, had announcement cards printed beforehand, and sent out immediately afterwards. In the following weeks, we hosted two very small events, with close friends, and DHs immediate family. We traveled to my home country a few months later for our honeymoon, and my DPs had a party for us. I loved it all.

However, we had told both sets of DPs that an elopement would happen at some stage, so they wouldn't be too surprised by the event. And while my DM was thrilled ('Oh thank god!' she said when I told her), my MIL was very angry about it. Giving her a heads up beforehand didn't help much. She brought it up for years after.

I totally understand wanting a very intimate and small wedding. Excluding parents from it doesn't sit well with me though. If relationships are good and positive, I think it's a pity to exclude parents from that milestone moment in their children's lives. I feel it's a moment that parents deserve to witness after putting everything into their children for 30 odd years. My kids are still young, but I would be sad to be excluded from their weddings - even if it was a registry office wedding.

Wow lots of replies and a lot of food for thought here, thank you.

Our thoughts on elopement are absolutely set, it will just be the two of us abroad. We will not be doing a ceremony or going to a town hall here, I would rather scrape my own eyeballs out of my head if I’m being honest. The compromise is we will have the “wedding reception” here a few months after we get back. It will just be an evening party really with no thrills and no expectations of people to come and act like it’s a wedding. Just a celebration of the fact we got married.

There are lots of reasons for our decision. The main one is we just want to get married with just us. I can’t really give any other reason than this is what we want. We do not want a wedding and really want to just run away the two of us. I would be lying if I said family politics didn’t also have a slight influence over our decision though. As I mentioned we both come from huge families, if we got married over here we would want to keep it just close family and friends but the definition of close family would be blurred. Both of us have siblings we haven’t spoken to for years (no falling out just don’t particularly like each other), but cousins we see weekly and chat to all the time. Our families are huge and it just isn’t what we want.

We both have complicated with our Mum’s. We are both not unclose to them and visit them both weekly but our relationships are somewhat strained. My Mum has bad mental health problems and uses this as an excuse to make herself the victim of everything and has been abusive in the past. She has a form for being manipulative and making everything about her. I am concerned if I don’t tell her and she has the response of being “furious” as some posters here have stated they would be, then I will end up telling her to do one as it is nothing to do with her and our relationship will be done. This is why DP doesn’t want to tell them because he thinks both his and my Mum could potentially cause too much drama in the run up. I’m worried about the drama afterwards. However if you asked both of our Mum’s I’m sure they would tell you they were amazingly close to both of us!

I am okay with our parents being quietly upset, this is expected and I think it would be unreasonable of us to not expect them to feel some kind of way. I don’t think there is a risk of anyone showing up if we told people as flights are really expensive and I do hope people would respect our decision. I think it really is a coin toss on how they will react and I will have to give it some thought. We have plenty of time as we won’t be booking flights or the chapel for a few months.

I wouldn't so much be upset about not being at the wedding as the fact you'd kept it a secret beforehand. I'd think you couldn't trust me with that and I'd wonder about the depth of our relationship.

Interesting question.
I have two teen daughters who work catering for posh weddings. They see the crazy it brings out in people.

My wedding bought out the crazy in both sets of parents in different ways so I totally get why some people elope.

I like the idea of being the heads up that you are in a committed strong relationship but I'm not sure I'd like advance warning. That sort of feels a bit more 'i'm involving you but not inviting you' what am I supposed to do on the day, hover on WhatsApp, waiting for picture whilst I think about you.
I think I'd prefer the surprise of afterwards with pictures but no involvement just offering best wishes for the future.

Ideally though, I'd love to feel that you managed to plan the wedding you wanted, without too much fuss and that I would be amongst the important people in your life that you would want to witness that.
(would completely also understand if you didn't invite creepy uncle Jack and my narc mother. And please don't bankrupt yourself and the planet with weird ring cushions & party favours & other random stuff)

@Whattodoab in your case I definitely wouldn't tell them beforehand. You will just have both your mums going on at you for months and months. Unless you literally tell them just before you go. I wouldn't put yourselves through it.

If she does decide to go the way you think she will after the fact, well, truthfully that will be on her. Practise your grey rock lines while on the plane home so that you can avoid going nuclear if she freaks out.

We eloped. My mother was angry that I'd stolen 'her' wedding but my father was delighted for me.

If my DC did it I'd have no issues at all, being happy is what matters...

I'd encourage them! The amount of money spent on weddings is ludicrous plus all the angst it can bring.
I'd be delighted if my adult dcs did this.

No - i wouldn't and couldn't ever do that to my parents (we got married with family in two venues, two countries), and i would hope my children do never do that to me - i feel its so cruel. It does depend on your relationship with parents too i guess? Im very close to mine and my wider family. My mother would have never forgiven me if i did that.

My Parents would have been upset and PIL I think. We got married abroad and they did come with us for the wedding then took themselves off for a holiday whilst we honeymooned.

I don't think I'd be upset if DD got married on her own. It's a big life event and I can understand wanting to be there for it.

Do you really not see that you'd be making your adult child's wedding all about you? It's not about you.

That's fine, I just see the logic behind not telling anyone. Just tell people you're getting married abroad, just the 2 of you.

I associate eloping with teenagers who are barely old enough to get married and know their parents would object

Given your update, definitely elope without any prior warning and have a wonderful time.

My mum still sulks or is silent about my wedding 20 years later, even though she got to do the whole mother of the bride thing. I was never going to please her, she would always have found fault. We have a few candid sulky wedding photos at the back of the album to remind us how miserable they were after the bright smiles of the big group shots.

Run away! Run away! Tell them all after.

I wouldn't mind at all, but then I'm not married and would hate to have a traditional wedding.

I would probably wonder why they'd eloped and worry that our relationship wasn't good or that they felt pressure or something that meant they didn't want a wedding. But if it was as simple as not wanting to be centre of attention, as it is for me, I'd be fine with that.

If I had it my way getting married would just be signing a piece of paper, like getting a will done 😁

Edited to add - I'm close to my parents and I don't think my mum would be the slightest bit bothered. She didn't enjoy her wedding at all. My MIL would be upset though.

We eloped and had a party at home a month later. It was never a secret though- I think our parents would have been a bit saddened if we secretly married without them knowing. My mum loved helping my choose the dress and my sister helped me with choosing things for the party afterwards. My mum and sisters did a mini hen do for me at a spa place and it was really nice for all of us. I don’t understand why you’d want to keep it a secret.

I eloped for my first marriage. Properly, as in no announcement of the engagement and just the two of us with two witnesses we didn’t know at the ceremony. I hated being the centre of attention, or thought I did.

Both our families were upset when we told them. My mother, particularly so. It really upset me to see how upset she was.

My second wedding was big by many people’s standards. I enjoyed every minute of it. Traditional weddings with guests don’t have to follow the same old packaged format or even be stressful.

Given your update, it's anyone's guess how your mother would react, so I'd just elope.