Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

If my child eloped I would be gutted. I wouldn't be bothered about the wedding ceremony, the dress fittings the afterparty and all of the other hoohah that goes with a 'traditional' wedding but I would be bothered by the fact that I wasn't able to share in their happiness. Why not just tell them that this is what you are doing? If they know you well then they should understand that this what you want, but at least they can still be part of your joy.

I’d cry. But I wouldn’t be angry, I’d just be really sad they didn’t tell me.

One of my friends eloped and didn’t tell her parents first when we were at university. It always struck me as such a very pointed unkindness and I never felt the same about her afterwards.

As opposed to those around them thinking it’s all about what they would like, rather than what the actual couple getting married want? Lol. Tbh from reading a lot of threads about weddings on here it genuinely seems like some posters think what the couple getting married want shouldn’t even be a consideration.

We eloped and it was great, exactly what we wanted. My parents were not at all surprised or upset about it, and I know them well enough to believe they weren’t hiding any deeper feelings. Same for my in laws. My best friend also recently eloped and I’m thrilled for them, they had exactly the day they wanted too, and it’s something they’ll look back on happily.

Interesting that so many people would want to be told beforehand.

Ultimately, for me, I want my daughters to have the sort of marriage ceremony they truly want - happy, relaxed, without stress or angst, and if they would rather do it alone mumsnet style with random witnesses, alone with friends, alone with siblings, whatever, I'm very happy for them to do so.

I think a lot of people choose to involve no one because maybe for whatever reason they can't or don't want to involve one or more parent(s) and it's more hurtful to exclude one side or one person, etc etc.

We did it because it was going to be impossible to get everyone together so we decided it was best to do it for ourselves and that way no one felt hurt that they had been left out when others had been included.

Both my brother and sis did this. Parents were ok with this although DM did say she would like to have known beforehand. Maybe just let your parents know and arrange to have a nice dinner with just them when you get home so they don't feel completely left out. BTW I would have loved to do this too and wish more people who choose to get married abroad would take this approach rather than drag all the family away with them at huge expense.

I'd be absolutely delighted for her and not in the least bit surprised.

I would be a bit hurt but I would smile and tell them how happy I was for them and not let them know how I felt

It’s a bit like having a baby without telling your parents.

This is what I hate about most weddings. They're just a big party for the benefit of others.

If I ever get married it'll be on a tropical beach.

I'd be a massive hypocrite, because we eloped. We have awkward parents (I couldn't have mine in the same room, DH's won't travel further than their town) so we pleased ourselves.

We eloped and 6 years later MIL is still sulking about it - she keeps asking when we're going to have a 'proper wedding'. She's a difficult woman and sulks about everything.

My feeling is that if you're not paying for the wedding then you don't have any say in how / when it happens.

With the cost of living and the expenses associated with weddings anyone who complains about the lack of a traditional wedding really needs to get over themselves.

It really isn't. It's more like signing a mortgage contract without asking your parents to witness it

We relented and told our mothers a fortnight before (both dads were dead), swore them to secrecy and took them with us. I'm glad we did. My mum would have been absolutely fine with it, but my mil admitted that if we hadn't invited her, even if we had told her beforehand, she would not have spoken to us for months after. [She has form for unfounded jealousy of my side of the family (assumes that we spend all our spare time with my mum and so on, even though we really don't) and even now regularly has a go at DH for supposedly doing more for my mum than he does for her. ] I think if we'd eloped properly as we meant she would have assumed that my mother knew beforehand and the fallout would have been immense.

Inviting them both meant that we avoided all that aggro, but still had the tiny wedding we wanted.

I'd be a bit hypocritical to be upset seeing as my husband and I eloped, and we didn't tell anyone for a few months. I'd probably be a bit said if I had been entirely left in the dark that they were considering marriage, but the eloping would fit in with family tradition.

My FIL tried the 'elope but tell the parents', and MIL's parents kinda took over resulting in them, the kids, and a few others ending up being involved. This is a risk of it that some are fine with, others would want to avoid it and part of why they don't.

I can see why other parents would be very upset, particularly if you have a close relationship with your child as it does have this connotation of not trusting or wanting family involved. That was my reason for eloping (my mother is very anti-marriage, especially for me, so there was no benefit to telling her), my husband had a lovely relationship with his parents, but didn't want them to potentially talk shit about it -- which he was right about. A few years after, my FIL apologised to me because he'd been against it for several reasons and said some less than kind things about me to others and would have tried to talk my husband out of it. I had no idea as he put a happy face on it and never heard about it before he brought it up. He'd changed his mind and then saw we'd picked the best option for us.

We had intended a little party with them and some other family the year after, but life got in the way. We ended up having it on a later anniversary.

We eloped and it was great, exactly what we wanted. My parents were not at all surprised or upset about it, and I know them well enough to believe they weren’t hiding any deeper feelings. Same for my in laws.

@InterIgnis It's great that you and your DH know your parents well enough to know they would not mind. But, knowing them as well as you do, if you had thought they would be upset, would you still have done it?

It sounds to me like the OP does know her parents would be hurt and upset, which is why I think it is the wrong choice for her.

Oh and we had three reasons for wanting a tiny wedding. Firstly both DH and I hate being the centre of attention, and that's difficult to avoid at a wedding. Secondly while my immediate family is small (mum, sister two nieces) DH's immediate family is much larger and much more entwined so we couldn't for example just invite parents and siblings. And adding partners , children, children's partners, children's children etc would have taken the numbers to 100 very quickly without even starting on friends. Finally, by the time we got married we'd been together nearly 20 years, and it seemed decidedly cheeky to expect people to fork out to celebrate!

My husband and I eloped and told our family and friends the day after our wedding.

My husband is ND and I have GAD so the thought of a traditional wedding (even a small one) terrified the both of us, I don't think we would have got married if that was our only option.

We chose to tell family after our wedding because we knew my parents would pressure us into having a bigger wedding, which would mean we would have hated our day or done a runner anyway.

Our wedding day was perfect and I wouldn't change a second of it. It was all about us, our commitment to each other and our future. There were no family dramas to navigate and we didn't have to please anyone but ourselves.

When we did tell our families DH's side were really happy for us and supportive. My parents were and are still a very different story. My DM was very hurt and even 4 years down the line won't use my married name and cries if I mention our wedding day. When we have talked about it I have tried to be understanding but firm. I understand she is hurt but I am not apologising for having my wedding how I want it. DM has said that the bit that hurts the most is not doing the mother of the bride stuff and showing off to her family, this just reinforceses why we decided to elope.

If you do decide to go down the traditional elopement route make sure you own your decision and don't try to placate others unless you want to. I would also recommend having a photographer and getting loads of photos. The family and friends that understood our decision were desperate to see pictures of the day.

We didn't have a party when we got back but we did take our families out for a very nice meal to celebrate. I know all apart from my parents so appreciated this.

Maybe they just don't feel particularly uplifted or mushy about it? I adored my DP, but though he'd wanted to get married for years, I wasn't keen. In the end we did it for a pressing practical reason. I didn't have any particularly strong emotions, it was just a legal document. It would have been like other people thinking I should have been full of 'joy' signing some kind of contract, and frankly, I didn't want other people imposing their ideas about 'happiness' on me. I am very happy with DH still, but I didn't want other people bringing their own ideas about how I was supposed to feel and making a fuss.

Yes, we would have done. It was our wedding, and whilst upset about it would have been unfortunate, avoiding that would presumably mean having a wedding we didn’t want, and I would consider that to be even more unfortunate a prospect.

My mum and dad went off and got married and I understand why. I suspect my Dd will do this with their best friends as witnesses. Because the idea of a wedding overwhelms my Dd. Even keeping to close family ends up with Dd wanting her godparents there which in turn where do they stop.

I've had to accept there won't be a wedding as it's whatever is right for them.

My mom has always said she would like to know when her kids are getting married. Even if not invited to the wedding. So they'd be upset, but they would also get over it. But at this point in time I don't really want to upset them with something like this.

I don't see anything wrong with eloping.

I do see a problem marrying a man who doesn't seem to care about your opinion or concerns. Do you want your marraige to be a partnership or dictatorship?

The wedding/marraige shouldn't just be about his wishes. What is important to you needs to be taken into consideration too. He appears very dismissive of your feelings.

My aunt was devastated when my cousin married - she was married for a year before telling anyone (visa stuff but lengthy committed relationship still going strong a decade later) and it truly broke my aunt's heart.

My dad married without telling us kids in advance, 40 years ago now. I don't think I'll ever shift that feeling of not being even slightly involved in his making a commitment to my step mum - even though I love them both it's always been there somehow.

Don't be a dick. Tell your parents.

What do you want?

It's so incredibly and unnecessarily rude. I'd be furious.