Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

I don't know what most loving parents do tbh, I only have my own experience. And mum has put me in my place before. I suppose we all have our own experiences.

Because the only way that a parent can be ‘paid back’ for help freely offered (or apparently not free as far as you’re concerned - with strings attached) is to have their wishes prioritised over their own child’s, at their own child’s wedding. Fucking hell.

Incidentally, children are indeed entitled to be cared for by their parents.

and no, not all parents ‘hide their hurt’. The idea is very convenient for your narrative though!

She didn't say all, she said most.

What purpose would telling your parents have? Either they will be happy for you - in which case, they’ll be happy for you when you tell them after the event. Or they will guilt trip you and put pressure on you to change your plans.
If you really want a wedding with just the two of you, do it, and then tell your parents first.

I don't understand why anyone would feel they deserve to dictate their adult child's life choices. It's completely out of order to impose your own weird expectations on other people. Just do what you want to do and don't give it another thought.

I'd be quietly disappointed if my dd opted to get married with out us there. But I'd be very hurt if she didn't tell me.

I'd tell your mum but maybe a day or two before.

Dp does what he thinks best.

I’d be heartbroken, but not mad.

Yep your one of those

I totally agree with this! It still hurts me when I look back how little my in-laws took into account what DH and I wanted when they slowly took our wedding arrangements out of our hands, invited people who we had specifically said we didn't want there, told us we couldn't have our friend's kids there but then on the day we saw that their friends and relatives had brought kids and on and on. It was just so disrespectful and hurtful and yes, in my view, extremely selfish.

We on purpose don't look at wedding photographs and avoid any discussions about weddings because my DH knows I will get upset remembering ours and he feels guilty now about letting his parents take over the day and not being able to stand up to them and say this isn't what we want. The thing is, this was one day for them and they got what they wanted out of it, they do have other kids though, for us this was meant to be the one day we remembered and they ruined it for us.

I have vivid memories of us standing at the bar at the back of the room while his mother took over the dance floor with her friends and his dad going around shaking hands with all his friends who we had barely even met and just thinking this isn't about us at all is it? It's all about them. To the point where we felt like they barely even noticed we were there at times. They never once asked us what we wanted, they just kept on doing things and when we questioned it was like 'this is what everyone does, you have to have this, everyone expects it. We can't not invite this person, we went to their kid's wedding and then if we invite them we have to invite...'

I would never, ever want to put my DD through this and have that be the day she's supposed to remember for the rest of her life.

"I totally respect my son not wishing to marry they have been together for 11 years with 3 children he doesn't feel now is the time my NDIL would like to get married that's for them to decide."

Tbh, I'd be far more upset about this than my dc eloping. I hope your not dil has good financial protection of her own and isn't reliant on the man who thinks she's good enough to have his babies but not to marry!

@Tuliptimes my sympathies. I wish I'd eloped - my mil had a tantrum on the day, my fil refused to travel and collect his aunt (as agreed) because they'd fallen out, so dh had to drive hours away and do it, when I really needed him to help me with preparations. His aunt didn't even like me!

I would be delighted if my DC did this, but I know that my own mum would have been devastated and taken it personally, so depends on the people involved I suppose.

The house is in joint names because they had twins and his salary was higher he pays all bills and puts all his earnings in a joint account. He's assigned her his life insurance and pensions and so she has money of her own he cares for the children one evening a week and at least one day a weekend sometimes both so she can work he works from 6am to 4.30 pm and when home gets stuck in with children/dinner etc also building an extension on their two bed himself. I work with children 4 days a week and do their childcare one. Obviously once the children go full time in September life gets easier for them and they will get more weekends ....if he's not on call which can be overnight or weekends. They both work hard and will marry one day I'm sure in 11 years he's helped her retrain paying for courses so she could follow her dreams but twins have delayed it.
Not all men are bastard's

The thing though jannier, is he can withdraw his money at any time, make someone else beneficiary of his life insurance etc. I'm not saying he's a bastard, but I am saying that she's vulnerable because she's had children with someone who won't give her legal security, when she is the lower earner and we both know more likely to have the kids full time if things do go pear shaped.
As is, your son pulls his weight with his kids and house but that's on his terms. She wants security of marriage and he hasn't given her that.

No because at the moment he's pouring all his earnings (and spare time) into building an extension on their bungalow so the two boys no longer sleep in mum and dad's room then he wants to have the wedding that his partner would like in the place that means the most to them, the one they talked about through COVID before the twins were born.

Oie! You’re gonna break your family’s hearts!!! Especially your parents. Just a recipe for disaster and estrangement!!

at least invite your parents.

also you make this sound like it’s just your partner that wants it. Sooooo solid no. Don’t do it.

I don't think I would be mad about the eolpement itself, not going to wedding etc. I speak as someone who had a giant wedding neither of us wanted, full of people and events we didnt know due to a mil and culture issue. I have made a vow that we will never ever meddle in our childrens weddings. However, I would be deeply hurt and sad not to be told about it, I would still love to celebrate you both from afar in my thoughts and would still be excited for you even at a distance. I probably wouldn't let my feelings known but it would sting.

Not sure where you got the idea my partner is the only one who wants it, I’m the one who suggested it!

We definitely will not be inviting my parents. If you decide to not talk to your children again because you didn’t watch them get married then no loss there imo.

You don’t have a relationship with your parents… so no don’t tell them.
no point asking how others would feel as people’s feelings depends on their relationship with their daughter, as well as other factors….
But in your situation I wouldn’t tell them till you get home so they don’t spoilt the holiday/honeymoon.

Depends. Is your name Lydia Bennett?

… when did I say we don’t have a relationship with our parents? That’s rude. I’ve said we visit them every single week and if you asked them they would say they are very close to us. That’s a much better relationship than most people I know to be honest.

we visit them every single week and if you asked them they would say they are very close to us.

So why exclude them from what, for most 'close families' would be a really lovely, happy, family day ?

Excluding parents, and 'being very close' to parents seem to be at odds with one another.

It's not about how close they are as much as how they, as a family, view weddings.

OP had already made her mind up so not sure why she created the thread. The wrong question was being asked anyway.

"Would you be mad..?" No, it's kind of an immature emotion anyway. Reasonable parents don't "get mad".
Being sad and / or hurt? Entirely different , deeper emotions and ones most left-out parents might experience. You can believe all you like that weddings are the couple's prerogative to have alone, other people will legitimately feel sad or hurt or both, because ultimately you thought that milestone day would be better without them.

Of course there are plenty of parents who try to control the wedding, whose behaviour is a liability etc... prompting there children to elope, and that's just a natural consequence of the parent's behaviour.

Very well put, living up to your username there @Commonsense22

Your relationship with your parents is unique to you, obviously you don't get on so well there is some conflict that isn't everyone's relationship. I would be heartbroken but I'd never let my child know. I would be wondering what I had done wrong that my child no longer wanted their parents to be there.

"if you asked them they would say" but that suggests it's not reciprocated so you don't feel very close