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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my best friend is taking the piss

509 replies

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 14:59

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 21/05/2024 15:01

I know it’s hard but you have to say no
her cheeky fuckery is off the scale
like other working parents she’ll need to PAY for childcare like you do

shenandoahvalley · 21/05/2024 15:01

I'm enraged for you.

This is no friend. She's using you. Period.

Yet ANOTHER adult who won't take responsibility for themselves....

rubyslippers · 21/05/2024 15:02

She’s also taking massive advantage of your friendship and actually it’s really shitty of her
a one off emergency is ok - I’d always try and help a mate out but she’s deliberately not paid for childcare

Stompythedinosaur · 21/05/2024 15:03

You have to say no. She's taking the mickey. There is no way on gods earth I would have had her baby while paying for yours to be cared for unless it was an emergency hospitalisation or similar.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2024 15:03

She really isn’t your best friend. She’s going to have an almighty strop when you say you won’t be doing anymore free childcare for you. But do it anyway. Your priority is your own children. Her lack of planing isn’t your problem.

ashitghost · 21/05/2024 15:03

YANBU You are her unpaid childminder. You are being used.

KreedKafer · 21/05/2024 15:03

Your friend is massively taking the piss. Her child, her problem. You're not a free childminder. I don't know how she's got the nerve.

The only unreasonable thing you've done so far is to put up with it as long as you have! I can't believe you agreed to look after her baby when you had plans with your sister and had paid for childcare for your own kids.

BedDepartment · 21/05/2024 15:04

You're being unreasonable to do any of this. Just say no. Tell her she needs to make formal childcare arrangements, and that you won't be looking after her children again.

GogAndMagog · 21/05/2024 15:06

@KreedKafer yes, this is spot on.

Say no, it's not possible as you've sorted childcare for a reason and to then do hers makes no logical sense.

PeopleGetSoAngry · 21/05/2024 15:06

YANBU I had someone try this when when my daughter and hers were in primary, always last minute desperate requests on one of my days off. I also had no one locally to help with childcare so paid for it on the days I worked. She wasn't a friend before that though so much easier to (eventually) say no and distance myself, at which point she moved onto a different mum..... and then another....... and so on until they left school.

Pinkl · 21/05/2024 15:07

She’s definitely taking advantage! She’ll continue unless you put your foot down. She needs to find childcare which has some flexibility if she doesn’t want an ongoing commitment and that isn’t easy to find.

Olika · 21/05/2024 15:09

Sounds like she is using you as her free childminder. You have to lean to say no.

skyeisthelimit · 21/05/2024 15:11

You have to say no to this and if she says you are unreasonable just point out that you rearranged your work and also pay for childcare while she expects you to disrupt your life so that she gets it for free.

The friendship may not survive this, but if it continues, it will sour anyway due to you feeling so used

Fontainebleau007 · 21/05/2024 15:17

I've been in a similar situation before with a friend who took a job and just thought because our children are in the same class that I would be her childminder. (She didn't even discuss it with me beforehand!) I did it for a while but in the end I just had to learn to stand up and say no more. I didn't mind occasionally but it ended up near every day!

Please stand up for yourself and tell her, it's her responsibility to find proper childcare.

MuscariFan · 21/05/2024 15:23

aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

Would be different if you were just collecting her when you were there anyway, but it's not that is it? You then have her for a period of time (two hours?), probably give her snacks and drinks. Are any favours ever reciprocated?

Say no. Switch your phone off if necessary. Have appointments/plans elsewhere/other children coming to play.

Sadly though, I suspect you'll find she doesn't think you're her best friend when you start saying no.

longtompot · 21/05/2024 15:29

There was another post I read about a similar situation, possibly on the cheekiest thing someone has asked you thread, where the poster said they didn't pay lots of money for childcare so they could look after someone else child for free. Maybe say the same thing to your friend. If she is a good friend she should understand.

Jhgdsd · 21/05/2024 15:31

She is not your friend.
She knows you are a soft mug and is treating you as such.
This will continue for as long as you will tolerate it.
That you actually gave up a precious day off for yourself, whilst paying for childcare for your own children, and yet minded hers, is both unbelievable and not normal.
She really knows that you are there to be used.
It's so not good for your soul to allow yourself to be treated like this by anyone.
Have a think.

coxesorangepippin · 21/05/2024 15:31

She's clearly not your best friend

PotterHead1985 · 21/05/2024 15:37

MuscariFan · 21/05/2024 15:23

aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

Would be different if you were just collecting her when you were there anyway, but it's not that is it? You then have her for a period of time (two hours?), probably give her snacks and drinks. Are any favours ever reciprocated?

Say no. Switch your phone off if necessary. Have appointments/plans elsewhere/other children coming to play.

Sadly though, I suspect you'll find she doesn't think you're her best friend when you start saying no.

I agree with your last sentence. Sadly OP I think when you shine your spine you will find she doesn't think ye are as much besties as you do. Because if you were 'you would do this for me'/insert other similar whinge about how you are putting her out and 'friends help friends' etc etc. Stand your ground. She isn't worth being trampled over. No 'friend' is

OriginalUsername2 · 21/05/2024 15:38

Maybe she’s a great friend but hasn’t thought through what she’s asking of you. Spell it out like you did in your final paragraph. Genuine good friends would respond reasonably.

Riverlee · 21/05/2024 15:40

She’s using you, but you’re letting her. By agreeing to the babysitting, you complicit. Until you start refusing the help, she won’t be looking for alternative care.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

IhateSPSS · 21/05/2024 15:42

Hang on so you took AL, paid for a childminder for your own DC and she begged you to have her baby? No way. She doesn't care about you at all. Money you earn to pay for childcare is precious. Why is her time, money and career any more important than yours? People who don't mind other people losing on their behalf are not good people.

TruthorDie · 21/05/2024 15:46

Yep. She’s taking the piss. Refuse to do anymore of this, she most likely double down as she’s a CF. Childcare costs, she needs to suck it up like you do (and l do!)

KarmenPQZ · 21/05/2024 15:47

It’s tricky if you’re there anyway for your daughter but it really needs to be reciprocal. Can you just explain nicely to her that you pay for childcare when you need it and take the job hit for flexibility to allow you to spend quality time with your own daughter. You’re happy to help her if it’s mutually beneficial. So if you agree to once she needs to help you before she’s asks for your help again. Otherwise she is taking advantage

Civilservant · 21/05/2024 15:48

At this point YABU for doing all these things for your friend. Stop!