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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my best friend is taking the piss

509 replies

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 14:59

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

OP posts:
Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 22:12

No reply yet🙁

OP posts:
Secondguess · 21/05/2024 22:18

The only appropriate reply is:
"thanks for your help, yes of course i understand , sorry I haven't sorted this all already"

You say she's your best friend but she doesn't sound like a good friend. Enough about her, well done to you! You've done the hard bit. Stand firm and don't get drawn into finding her solution, that's her job not yours.

Noseybookworm · 21/05/2024 22:22

I think with a close friend I would have tackled this face to face. Somehow a message seems impersonal. But you aren't unreasonable to be feeling taken advantage of. I just hope your friend will be able to take it on board and see that she's been taking the piss!

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2024 22:23

That’s a really good message. I hope you get a decent reply.

VJBR · 21/05/2024 22:24

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 22:12

No reply yet🙁

Don’t let her silence make you feel guilty. You did the right thing. She’s probably pissed off but so be it. You have to put yourself first.

Characterbuilding · 21/05/2024 22:25

I always find that short straight to the point messages are the best "That doesn’t work for me. Hope you get something sorted long term I can’t help anymore due to other commitments xx"
Saying being with her child is a nightmare, giving a breakdown of your personal expenses etc.. in a long winded message seems a bit much for a very close friend. Also written down it sounds much more abrasive than if you were to speak to her.
I wouldn’t go to that length for a CF acquaintance, let alone a best friend!! Hope it works out okay for you.

randomusernam · 21/05/2024 22:27

I hope she can see your point of view 🤞

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods · 21/05/2024 22:28

Although it does sound like she's been cheeky...
Really not sure what response you're expecting. It's not going to be a nice message to receive.
I'd expect she'd be pretty upset.

Halfheadhighlights · 21/05/2024 22:29

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 19:31

“this is a really awkward conversation but it needs to be said. I’m feeling a bit put out by all the help with x & y recently. I’ve taken a big pay cut to drop to part time to do some school runs and spend time with the kids, and we pay over £800 a month for the childminder for the twins for my work hours so I know they are well cared for, having fun and I can do my job properly. I do feel like you’ve taken advantage of my new routine and you’ve been a bit lapse with your childcare arrangements for x and y, relying on me to bail you out but it’s becoming a regular thing and I’m still really disappointed about my day off the other week when the twins were with the childminder but I had y for you and it was a total nightmare. I’m not going to be able to help anymore and I think it would be good for you and the kids to get in to a stable routine! Here’s the link to book afterschool club xxx. I’d be happy to book dd in for x’s first session so she has a familiar face. I’m sure if you speak to my childminder in the morning on the school run she can ask around to help you find a space for y. I know you’ll be disappointed but I really think we need a boundary to protect our friendship, we were friends for so many years before we had kids, let’s not let childcare be the reason for falling out xx”

holding breath waiting for a reply

I don’t even know you but proud of you. Perfectly worded

Crumpleton · 21/05/2024 22:32

You've said your piece.

As said she should only be replying along the lines of "thank you for your help"
Nothing else, the door wasn't left open for her to put her side across in the hope you'd change your mind.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 21/05/2024 22:34

Great message

Nonewclothes2024 · 21/05/2024 22:36

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods · 21/05/2024 22:28

Although it does sound like she's been cheeky...
Really not sure what response you're expecting. It's not going to be a nice message to receive.
I'd expect she'd be pretty upset.

An apology and 'it won't happen again' sort of message is what I'd be hoping for.

mummytrex · 21/05/2024 22:36

Great message. Tbh no friend treats a friend like this so brace yourself for a blow up or guilt trip. You're not being unreasonable.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2024 22:39

That is a really good message. She has been massively taking the piss out of you.

setmestraightplease · 21/05/2024 22:44

No reply yet🙁

You shouldn't be worrying that she hasn't replied! YOU are not the CF here!

SHE should be panicking now about how to apologise about being the CF!

HcbSS · 21/05/2024 22:45

Does she actually think she can coast along palming her kids off on others until they start school? YANBU Did she not read the manual and realise that children aren't free, and they do generate expense? Perhaps she would be better off with a goldfish (although they require basic care too)

HcbSS · 21/05/2024 22:47

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 18:16

Thanks all this was the kick up the bum I needed. The childcare on my day off should have been the last straw but I will message her tonight!

and yes on her non office days she “works from home” with her 13 month old and usually on her office days her husband has the baby whilst he “works from home”

they need grassing up to their respective employers.

SendNoodles · 21/05/2024 22:50

Just catching up now. That's a great message! Hope it all works out for you.

BMW6 · 21/05/2024 22:51

Well said OP, she owes you a huge apology

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2024 22:51

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods · 21/05/2024 22:28

Although it does sound like she's been cheeky...
Really not sure what response you're expecting. It's not going to be a nice message to receive.
I'd expect she'd be pretty upset.

Well OP has been pretty upset for a while. And she’s not the one in the wrong. The only appropriate response is an apology for taking the piss and an acceptance those days are over so we can imagine that’s what OP is hoping for.

Apollo365 · 21/05/2024 22:55

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 19:31

“this is a really awkward conversation but it needs to be said. I’m feeling a bit put out by all the help with x & y recently. I’ve taken a big pay cut to drop to part time to do some school runs and spend time with the kids, and we pay over £800 a month for the childminder for the twins for my work hours so I know they are well cared for, having fun and I can do my job properly. I do feel like you’ve taken advantage of my new routine and you’ve been a bit lapse with your childcare arrangements for x and y, relying on me to bail you out but it’s becoming a regular thing and I’m still really disappointed about my day off the other week when the twins were with the childminder but I had y for you and it was a total nightmare. I’m not going to be able to help anymore and I think it would be good for you and the kids to get in to a stable routine! Here’s the link to book afterschool club xxx. I’d be happy to book dd in for x’s first session so she has a familiar face. I’m sure if you speak to my childminder in the morning on the school run she can ask around to help you find a space for y. I know you’ll be disappointed but I really think we need a boundary to protect our friendship, we were friends for so many years before we had kids, let’s not let childcare be the reason for falling out xx”

holding breath waiting for a reply

Amazing response OP. I’m usually disappointed with this threads that there is never really a conclusion and these ‘friends’ go on taking advantage.
you’ve left me impressed 🎉

Apollo365 · 21/05/2024 22:56

HcbSS · 21/05/2024 22:47

they need grassing up to their respective employers.

Yep. Absolutely ridiculous

Ellie1015 · 21/05/2024 22:57

Well done, good and honest message. Probably hard to hear and understandable she may be struggling with what to say but I am sure it will be resolved either by apologetic reply or swept under carpet but your boundary is now established.

dancingdaisies · 21/05/2024 22:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

romdowa · 21/05/2024 23:00

Findingthisweekhard · 21/05/2024 22:12

No reply yet🙁

Prepare yourself for the incoming guilt trip in the morning

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