To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

YANBU. She is using you for free childcare and you've got to put your foot down.
What a great "friend" she is

The only bit in her response that would piss me off is the passive aggressive “I’m sorry that you “feel” that you’ve been taken advantage of.

says she doesn’t think you have!!

Another tip I used to do with my SIL is be careful what you tell her. Mine would ring and say 'what are you up to date? As if just chatting and when I would say nothing, she would go oh great, can you mind the kids!

Sorry clicked send too soon, so every time she would ring and ask what I was up to, I'd say ' I'm not sure might be meeting so and so for lunch' just to give me the space to say now to minding if I wanted to

Wow, she's calling you pissed off, the problem is you not being comfortable about taking on too much, made your horrendous day with her teething baby a joke, did not apologise called herself "naive" 😱 I don't know where to start.

Just say no.

Why is there even a discussion?

Why do you feel the need to ask mumsnet for permission?

If you really can't say no to people, just invent a list of last-minute excuses. You threw up last night, you think you're coming down with a cold, your child is unwell.

Cripes! They might even suspect you don't want to be their official childminder.

But you really ought to attempt being grown up and just saying, you're happy for playdates with children, but your friend needs to find a professional childminder because it's impacting on your family.

It's not healthy to be in a relationship where you do all the giving and someone else is doing all the taking. Maybe you're in a "stage" where that is happening in your friendship. But you need to end it. Swiftly.

Maybe when you set down boundaries that friendship will end either temporarily or forever. But you know this set up of you being a doormat is not going to end well. And you won't be appreciated when you either break or get dragged down to the detriment of your own family.

Got to say her apology is somewhat of a non-apology. Having her baby for the day when you had taken annual leave and your own children were in childcare (that you were paying for) was only ruined because the baby was teething? Not because you PAID FOR CHILDCARE FOR YOUR KIDS so you could have a day off and she waylaid you and turned your day off into unpaid work. lol whut? She was totally imposing upon you in a very user-ish way and she's downplaying it, likely because she wants to sweet-talk you into spending good chunks of your summer doing more childcare for her.

Just say no. When you work, you pay for childcare. When you cut back your hours it was for the benefit of yourself and your family. She's acting all "poor me" when the core problem is that she expects you to give her free childcare for her kids even as you pay for your own childcare for your kids. Totally ridiculous! Can't believe you're putting up with this!

Notice also she says "now the childminder is full" and that "I should have taken the space". She had an offer of childcare and said no! Why? I think because she thought she could keep using you for free. She now regrets having said no. Is that because she realized she's been inconsiderate and selfish? I doubt it, because she didn't need you to get visibly upset to know she was being inconsiderate and selfish. That was obvious from the get-go by the very nature of how much work childcare is. The only reason she regrets saying no to the spot at the childminder is that she sees the free nannying from you might be slipping through her fingers.

Also notice the little guilt trips she peppers through her message. "thought we could make do until", "help from friends and family", "so hard juggling it all" (like it isn't hard for you????), "now it's even more of a mess", "how naive I was".

Expert manipulator.

sorry you feel like I’ve taken the piss.

IMO When someone says/writes this they're not sorry for what they've done or how they treated you.

If a person were genuinely apologetic they would say/write "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" instead they use the cop out words "you feel like".

It always sounds like they're thinking we'll I don't feel the same so not really my problem.

I can’t decide whether the response is a bit hollow or not - it’s clear she knew darn fine that offloading a teething child to someone on their day off is a shitty thing to do - but I just hope the requests stop, and stay stopped.

She's softening you up in hope you'll agree till September. Don't fool for it.

Shit. I think you’re right.

I read the message and got all happy for them. I thought I was good at bs detection!

I mean to me an apology would be something like.

"Sorry, you're right, I've asked too much of you. Thank you for everything that you've done"

Organise playdates for your own child. If she asks you to have 1 y/o say unfortunately you have an appointment where you can't take children. You'll find it easier to say no if you are less available.

When I organised with my friend to pick mine up I paid them the going childminder rate.

@Findingthisweekhard

It's great your friend gave you an apology of sorts and she's offered to take you for a spa day. Don't let your guard down too far though until you see how the how her new arrangements regarding her childcare works out. Remember that she just assumed you'd carry on the same level of childcare for her child until September with no discussion or agreement from you. Also she said this ⬇️

It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full.

Be prepared. 🌹

That’s what I thought, I mean if you’re really sorry and heard what the op was saying you’d not be saying oh but the child minder is full and I was just hoping till sept.

I appreciate this post isn't necessary, but I can't stop thinking about the brazenness of a situation where one person has made sacrifices to ensure the best outcome for their family, and out of a reduced income nonetheless pays for childcare for a precious single day of peace; while a second person maintains a higher income because she planned for family and friends to look after her children for free so she could work, deliberately choosing not to pay any money for childcare notwithstanding her FT wage, and then uses the first person's precious day of peace that she paid for out of her reduced income as childcare for a teething baby so she could earn another day's wage. Not to mention the utter piss take of "working" from home with a 1yo around.

The first person basically paid money out of a reduced wage to look after someone else's miserable, teething child for free, while that person earned money for her own pocket and kept it all. Meanwhile, first person's DC weren't even in their own home or with their own parents that day.

The sheer entitlement and mercenary attitude towards other people is really, really shocking to me. I don't know a single person IRL who would do this. I just can't believe it.

uses the first person's precious day of peace that she paid for out of her reduced income as childcare for a teething baby so she could earn another day's wage.

That’s it in a nutshell - really well put.

I appreciate this post isn't necessary, but I can't stop thinking about the brazenness of a situation where one person has made sacrifices to ensure the best outcome for their family, and out of a reduced income nonetheless pays for childcare for a precious single day of peace; while a second person maintains a higher income because she planned for family and friends to look after her children for free so she could work, deliberately choosing not to pay any money for childcare notwithstanding her FT wage, and then uses the first person's precious day of peacethat she paid for out of her reduced incomeas childcare for a teething baby so she could earn another day's wage. Not to mention the utter piss take of "working" from home with a 1yo around.

I can't argue with that

Why are you agreeing to do this?

I cannot think of a single person who would do this, similarly I cannot imagine anyone I know accepting this.....much less with TWINS.
She is utterly shameless.
She hasn't an ounce of respect or genuine affection for the OP, she couldn't have and treat her thus.

You are absolutely spot on

I keep returning to this thread because it is simply extraordinary that anyone would think that they could get others (friends or family) to provide free childcare for months on end (particularly when they have had the possibility of a nursery place and they have not asked them to do so/offered any payment).

One thought OP - when you say your 'best friend' do you mean a friend you have known since school/uni/forever and have been through thick and thin with and who has helped you a gazillion times in the past? Or, do you mean another mum you have met as a result of your daughters being in the same class, who is really lovely and seems to have turned into a great friend over just a few years? If the latter, be aware that there are many mums who will be super friendly/seem like a great friend (potentially for years) in order to use you for childcare/lifts for children, pump you for info on 11+/tutors/school stuff etc etc but mysteriously become more of an acquaintance when your dds are in secondary school/go off to uni/no longer need work experience (depending on how useful you are). Always remember your priority is your family when making decisions and particularly when you need to say 'no'. It may turn out that these mum friends become 'best friends for life even after children' but it may also turn out that they don't so I wouldn't be busting a gut for them if there isn't a balance in the given and take.

She’s not, that’s the point of the thread.

There's a lot of anger in her response back to you op, she took her time to craft a message back that looks otherwise but it's not, it's no apology either, she isn't a true friend, sorry.