To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

You have to say no.

How you say no is up to you - you can ignore her messages, you can say 'sorry we have some family things going on' or you can say 'I don't want to be your unpaid childminder' - it is up to you how you do this but you have to stop saying yes.

Why did you agree when you had a day off and had your own kids in paid childcare? If she's your friend you can tell her it's not working for you. The. Repeatedly be too busy to take Ker child from school and look after her baby. She's a CF fit even asking

I’d say something like “I really think you’ll have to sort your childcare situation out. I love your kids but you’ve asked me to have them X times over the past month and I am starting to feel like your childminder! I’m happy to help out in a real emergency but I’m afraid I don’t want the commitment of regularly stepping in for you when you’re choosing not to make use of wraparound care.”

I would happily collect my best friend's child at the same time as my own child and do so on an ongoing basis. I would also have someone else's child on a day off if it was a genuine emergency eg me and DH having to regularly have DNs on the one day a week we don't have to work because exBIL likes to cancel his contact days with no notice

I say this to make the point that I'm a generally accommodating and helpful person who doesn't feel I need to be paid in cash or in kind for every favour I do.

BUT, I absolutely would NOT routinely have that child for hours after school without some kind of formal (paid or in-exchange or even just endless gratitude) arrangement in place and I certainly would NOT be taking her child for a day on my day off if she routinely doesn't have childcare due to being unwilling to pay for it.

DD's BF wants to join a class that DD does. I have told BF's mum that I am very happy to collect BF and take her to said class every week.... if possible. I've made it clear that if, for example, DD is sick or we are away or there's some change in our situation, I would expect her to leap into action to sort her DD out. Because I'm accommodating, but I'm not free childcare for no reason. [BF's mother 100% understands and is very comfortable with this].

You need to learn to say No. This is ridiculous

Tell her fine but she's to transfer 200 quid to your bank beforehand or she'll have to make other arrangements.

I think I'd just have the big fall out. You don't need that shit in your life. She's being cheeky, be cheeky back.

Or say no and not to ask you to do childcare again. Then mute her phone number.

YANBU, she's being a piss taker! It will affect your friendship if you say no but honestly, you're better off without a friend whose friendship is dependent on you doing things for her.

You absolutely lost me at giving up your day OFF to look after her child when your own kids were in childcare. MADNESS. Please god take your phone and compose a message and say “I cannot continue doing your unpaid childcare, you need to make arrangements (LIKE ME!!!) as I will no longer be available”.

You will feel infinitely better once you tell her and stop it otherwise there won’t be a friendship (not sure of the appeal of her given how she treats her friends tbh) to save anyway.

Send her an invoice.

You need to tell her you won't be doing any more childcare and to stop asking. After that ignore any childcare related messages, don't get drawn in

No more childcare. No more picking up from school. Tell her now not to ask again. I bet you won’t hear from her anymore, demonstrating that she is definitely not a friend.

Don’t be afraid to say no - she isn’t remotely afraid to abuse your trust and good nature!

Oh my god why didn't you reply "I won't be in tomorrow so I really can't watch the wee one, hope you get something sorted."

Madness! She is not a friend!

What does this friend bring to your life?

I'm not for one minute suggesting friendship should be one sided and a person be out for what they can get but this doesn't sound like a friend.

Is it just that your children met at school/nursery and you feel you and the child's mum must be besties, if so she's doing perfectly well out of this friendship and it's totally at your expense because you really can't say no.

It's not uncommon for anyone to want to make plans to fill their probably very rare spare time doing what they want to do and I'm sure that doesn't include being a "friends" unpaid childcare or anything else that said friend may have planned for you, so you're perfectly entitled to do so without guilt.

Until you stand up and tell her that you can't do the fetching and carrying she's going to assume that you're OK to continue, if she takes umpage that's her problem but stop now before you're stuck trying to find someone to do her childcare through the 6 week summer school break.

She not your friend and using you

I cannot believe you wasted a day off like this.

She will now expect the same regularly.

Not at all unreasonable. They are taking the piss. Next time she messages you reply with the number of the childminder or after school club. Don’t get into being apologetic, you don’t have to explain yourself. She needs to pay for childcare same as you.

You are financing her lifestyle, OP.

I'm sorry to say, but she's not a friend, let alone a best friend.

She is not your friend. I know how expensive childcare is. It's basically a second mortgage but it's something as parents we have to just accept and build it into the family finances. You need to tell her that you can't do childcare going forward. If she gets upset and falls out with you because you don't want to be a free childminder then honestly you are well rid of her

You have two choices OP, tell her it has to stop and run a 50/50 risk of her getting the hump and it ruining your friendship, or say nothing, keep doing it and let the resentment build until it has 100% ruined the friendship. Option 1 at least gives your friendship a chance, assuming she hasn't killed it already by taking advantage of you the way she has.

She needs to pay proper childcare.

Who looks after the 1 year old for her when she is in the office 2 days a week? why isn't she asking them to pick DD up? or she has and they have said no, like you should.

I had something similar a couple of years ago. My DD made friends with girls that live over the road. We drove them into school one morning as we bumped into them when we were leaving and they asked if we could. This turned into them coming to our door every morning for a ride, every single day for weeks AND they'd come to the car at pick up for a ride home! It all went on much longer than it should have.

It all ended when they told me their mum said my DD wasn't allowed in their house because she was 'too loud'. I hit the fucking roof and told them all to piss off.

Unfortunately you will have to tell her and it will affect your friendship. As a signed up CF, she won’t see your side (tho she should do) and will possibly get offended and continue to try to use you.
It’s sad but you need to risk things between you not being the same, and assert your boundaries.

She is definitely a CF but if the kids enjoyed one another’s company, I would pick up if I was going to the school anyway.

But on the proviso that when I wasn’t going, for whatever reason, it would be her responsibility to find alternative care. And assuming I could afford the extra snacks and/or CF sent snacks for both children occasionally.

But there is no way I would give up my annual leave to provide childcare. Unbelievable sauce of the woman.

The cheek of her asking you when you were on a well deserved childfree day off work!!! I'd have to be on my deathbed to ask a friend like that.

My sil used to take advantage of us like that (and anyone who would take them!) so I started to ask her back. So if I took her kids, I'd say oh yeah great can you take mine on Saturday for example and the requests soon stopped!!

Life is too stressful for provisos and sorting snacks for other people's children.

The CF needs to pay for childcare, like everyone else.