DH not talking to me today because….

[Passthecorkscrew]

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

I dare say the friend's mother might have an opinion!

I don't think your comments were unreasonable.

I wouldn’t want my child travelling in the car with your child as a learner ! Are they insured ?

But besides that - your husband sounds arrogant . You can still have a say in the child’s safety just because you don’t drive! You may not understand the technicality but hey I don’t know how to fly a plane but I still decide whether we catch one or not.

You are entitled to an opinion without being shouted down in front of your child. YANBU.

A responsible adult would have listened to your concerns, given you their opinion and allowed a debate.

I can't imagine had one of your children wore very heavy make up at a young age he would not have voiced his opinion then despite having no make up experience? He's being a bit ridiculous.

Of course you're entitled to a say. You're her parent just as he is.
character assassination. (DH has form for this)
This isn't good OP.

Pretty sure learners cannot carry passengers.

I don't think your comments warranted the diatribe from your husband. He has clearly taken serious offence though. Did you interject with an opinion before your husband did when your DC asked?

Have you actually been in the car with her? How long have the lessons been going on for?

I should add he nipped at me after my initial comment..

”Dare I say it leave the decision to someone to knows what they are talking about”

But most of argument was away from DC.

YANBU- and he sounds as if he was trying to exclude you, and make this something they do- and you don't do- and make it about that, instead of appreciating your view/opinion in the discussion.

I for one agree with you, and think like most things slowly slowly and little and often is the best approach to driving.

Making errors in stressful situations early on when they're learning to drive imo is more likely to wobble their confidence

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

Of course you have a say! His comparison to hair and make-up is ludicrous because people don't die from make-up.

You were absolutely allowed to voice a concern and be in involved in discussing the matter. He had no right to just erupt at you.

In terms of not talking to you today, does he have form for using silent treatment to punish you when he's upset with you?

I've been driving for 15 years and I'm with you OP. It's not about how much experience or which "unique skill set" you have, it's common sense and properly considering the safety of driver, passenger, and other road users.

No matter how confident your child is, big roundabouts and big carriageways are scary and definitely shouldn't be tackled for the first time with a friend in the car.

I'm also not sure I'd want my child learning to drive with someone who has such an explosive temper.

I don't think you're allowed passengers as a Learner? Apart from the person with a license.

I thought that too, but looking at Google it seems we are wrong. You can havw as many passengers as the car can legally hold as long as 1 is a qualified driver over 25.

Yes you are.

It's illegal.

Oops just read other posts.

Surprised it's not illegal.

I think you have the right to have an opinion on this, driver or otherwise.

If there was a RTC and your DC's friend was injured, the long term consequences are potentially very serious.

It’s not.

It would be illegal. Stand your ground OP. Imagine the guilt if the friend was injured in an accident due to illegal actions. I question DH's suitability as an instructor, if he doesn't know this.

YANBU OP.

When I was learning to drive, I used to occasionally take the person before me home. It meant you got to experience different routes and different challenges but also got used to someone being in the back, moving about and their head in your rear view mirror. So driving with someone in the back isn’t necessarily bad (although this might have changed since I learnt to drive) but a friend always leads to the chance of showing off a bit more. Even with your dad there.

If you live rurally, I think being a confident driver is important. I live rurally and a lot of people are nervous and it’s not good. It’s hard when there is a risk but they need to be confident in their abilities (but not arrogant). When DC gets a place with a driving instructor, I would recommend pass plus (if they still do it) as that gives a bit more driving experience such as country roads, driving in the dark and motorways. As a non-driver, I don’t know if you are in a position to determine if DC is at that point or not.

However, I don’t think the driving is actually the issue. It’s more the fact that your husband resorted to a sexist stereotype for the information you get to share with DC. You said he also has form for character assignations. So it feels like if you do challenge DH, he isn’t able to communicate in an adult way to say I understand your apprehension but DC is absolutely ready to navigate these roads but possibly not with a friend in the back.

https://www.bsm.co.uk/can-a-learner-driver-carry-child-passengers

“When it comes to passengers in your car as a learner, as long as you don’t go over the legal number of people the vehicle is meant to hold, you’re good. What you must ensure is that the person in the passenger seat is a fully qualified driver that some insurance companies insist must be at least 25 years of age.”

Its legal.

It's not illegal at all, just not wise or sensible.

Parents and people are always allowed an opinion in general in something even if they're not directly involved. If she ends up having a job that neither of you have bene directly involved with, or a friendship issue neither of you have experienced before, or a drug problem that hasn't affected either of you, would he expect both of you to say to her that sorry you're not getting involved and can't offer any opnion or advice whatsoever because you aren't experienced in this field? Of course not!

Also, not that it shoudl matter but stats show that when young drivers have peers in the car they are much more likely to have an accident https://just-drive.co.uk/learning-to-drive/driving-with-passengers/#:~:text=It%20alters%20how%20a%20car,crash%20than%20those%20driving%20alone. This isn't opinion, it's fact. Doing anything when someone new is watching you and possibly talking to you, is more likely to cause mistakes.

Plenty of drivers will therefore tell you this is a bad idea.

So you are factually right but even if you weren't, why the fuck does he think it's OK to do a character assassination / erupt / not talk to you, because you offer an opinion. That is not at all OK, and is really damaging to do that in front of her daughter.

Thank you everyone,

He is generally an all round good guy but he did take this very personally for whatever reason..

I did try and explain that isn’t about his coaching or DC’s ability…they are actually doing really well, just that neither of them can control other drivers and DC’s reaction time is still a work in progress.

You are legally allowed to drive with passengers in addition to the person supervising the learner driver.

However, my children are coming up to this age too, and as their friends pass their tests I have said no to mine going in the car even with newly qualified drivers, let alone with a learner driver learning a new route and a new skill.

If I was the other parent in this scenario I would absolutely veto the proposal.

Your husband is an arse!

I stand corrected. I'm sure it was illegal when I was a learner🤔