DH not talking to me today because….

[Passthecorkscrew]

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

I have been driving for close to 40 years. It doesn't sound that safe to me. And I certainly wouldn't want a child of mine being driven by a teenage learner driver in those circumstances. Actually, I'd be incandescent. A learner driver with a possibly distracting passenger driving at dusk through two major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way into the nearest city - what could possibly go wrong? Actually my eldest son could probably tell you having a birds eye view of crash victims brought into emergency more dead than alive and those are the lucky ones that are alive.

My country has a restricted licence system for learner drivers. First of all they have to sit and pass a theory test which is not that easy. Only then can they get behind the wheel of a car to learn to drive with a fully licensed adult accompanying them and the car labelled with yellow learner plates front and rear. They then sit a driving test to get a restricted licence and it is very restricted. They cannot drive alone after 10 pm or before 5am, have a very restricted ability to carry passengers and a 0% alcohol tolerance. When they are competent to drive they will sit a further test and get their full licence . My youngest son has a restricted licence and he is getting extra practice on roundabouts and motorways with his dad and working on those reaction times. They are not offering lifts to friends.

I can see this from both sides, but still think it’s disgusting how DH spoke to you, OP. I think the compromise here would be DH going with DC, as neither DC/friend would be qualified even if they were both 25.

@Passthecorkscrew as @DahliaSmith rightly said
"He might get to dress down his forces subordinates in this way, doesn't work for wives unfortunately."
You mentioned he's back from a long stint, might he still be in that mindset, and forgetting that yours is a partnership not a power-flex?

So her (also learner+parent) friend has set the precedent by driving your DC home. (As an aside - I wonder if this might be ignighting your DHs ego around his instruction being 'just as effective/superior' to that the friend is receiving?)

Regardless -
If your daughter hasn't yet encountered the road features on this journey but your husband feels she's now ready to do so, perhaps the responsible approach would be for DH to be at the wheel when friend is being driven home, and DC takes over the wheel on the reverse journey home when no-one is in backseat. (At very least until DC has plenty of experience of this route in both directions.)
They could do the opposite if electing to pick her up from time-to-time, too.

that's why I asked about pastoral support.

So they can drive a car around on their own before they are fully competent drivers?! 😯

Passengers = distraction. Friends as passengers for young drivers = even more distraction. Some countries phase the driving license to gradually include those things that are more risky. Makes sense.

well its often said that you pass your test THEN you really learn to drive....the test checks that you have a basic minimal level of competence but its by no means the whole story.

Your worry is natural. Your sense of caution is natrual. In fact, even your judgement is sound. A bit more driving experience with an additional/professional instructor will make the young learner that much more confident and safe. DH reaction is unreasonable, in my view.

You teach people how to treat you. You’ve allowed him to get away with this behavior and that’s why he does it. Of course you have an opinion in anything involving your children. He owes you an apology.

Sounds to me like he has some pent up frustration. Mayne its not specifically the driving??

OP, my DS is also learning to drive. I've taught him, and he's also having lessons with an instructor. He's also learnt pretty quickly, at least as far as driving on familiar and relatively quiet rural roads are concerned. However, dealing with big roundabouts and 'getting' dual carriageways and the difference that high speed driving makes have taken much longer. I would be with you, that your DC should do these gradually and not first time with a passenger. Your DH was out of line.

Does he speak to you like this often? He sounds lovely

My husband, who was s driving instructor, taught our dc and their friends to drive. He would have used the journey to pick up friends as a lesson but would never have let them drive back with their friends in the car, too many distractions. You are not being unreasonable. Sounds like your dh can be petty and mean to you.

A learner is legally allowed to carry as many passengers as the car holds and still be insured in UK as long as the secondary qualified driver is one of them and is sat in front passenger seat. As long as she is insured in her dad's vehicle that she's learning in which she should be if she's learning in it, then there's no reason this can't happen. From my point of view my DS has been doing young drivers courses since her turned 10 and has regularly driven other learners on the course and passengers. They actively encourage this to build confidence and help drivers learn to deal with in car distractions while driving. As opposed to learning in an almost silent car then suddenly having to drive a load of mates when they've just passed which causes a number of issues.

You can't take passengers as a learner !!!!

I don't think a learner driver can give someone a lift. They need to check the laws round what he can do whilst learning.

Frankly I think your DH was being misogynistic and rude, you were exercising caution, and he should respect you !

Yes, you can.

Yes, they can. It's perfectly legal.

Why do so many people think it's illegal?

Can a learner driver carry passengers?
Yes, driving on a provisional licence with passengers is legal.

https://www.admiral.com/magazine/guides/motor/supervising-a-learner-driver

My daughter’s friend had her in the car while she was learning and I wasn’t happy. The girls dad was in the car but without dual controls I’m not sure what use he’d be in an accident. I voiced my concerns about this and my husband thought I was being OTT.

You’re not being unreasonable IMO but I’m always on the side of caution when it comes to stuff like that.

It's not really about this proposed drive.

It's about whether your concerns are respected. It's about whether you are all respecting each other.

If a parent is concerned - in a healthy family, you tend to address those concerns.

You don't belittle the person who is concerned.

As a parent, I would be very, very, wary of an unlicensed novice driver, driving my teenager home. I personally think that no teenage driver should be allowed to drive with anyone under the age of 21, until they are 21.

I wouldn't allow my child to be driven by your child. In any circumstance.

However responsible and nice your child is.

Driving is a unique skill set? It’s steering a car and operating pedals. I’m sure you’d understand it fine if you decided to learn.

Apart from that having a friend in the car before he passes his test - or even goes out with an instructor would be a no from me as well.

Id be telling your DH to treat me with a lot more respect and not to be so arrogant. Teaching his own child to drive doesn’t make him the big I am.

I thought it was illegal to drive with a passenger when learning to drive. Could be wrong on this though, it’s 2 decades since I learnt to drive!

No, it is not illegal.