DH not talking to me today because….

[Passthecorkscrew]

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

It all got a bit combative

I personally would of said it’s not fair to put the friends parents in this position
a good compromise would be DH does the driving when his friends in the car

When my DC were learning to drive I got them to do the driving every time they would have been in the car - you need a lot of hours to get the confidence and experience needed to pass the test.

I think you were actually quite unreasonable to challenge the suggestion of driving friend home - it will have knocked your DC's confidence for really no reason.

The standard driving test route near me has multiple complex roundabouts and fast dial carriageways on it.

I also don't see the relevance of needing professional instruction - if your DH is teaching them ok then fine, if not not.

Your DH didn't respond well but I'm afraid on balance I think it is you who were unreasonable.

Not sure how many people posting have had late teens as children, when mine were learning they often drove each other, it was always with the other parents' consent and would be local driving. It was incredibly common as most people took every opportunity for practice.

That said, I didn't come across it when tackling new roads for the first time or on busy dual carriageways.

Sorry your husband is being an arse OP, sounds like his ego is a bit delicate. He feels like you're questioning his big manly driving skills, not just worrying about the safety of your child 🙄

I actually thought you seem to understand a lot about driving, given that you don't drive. I don't see any justification for DH exploding and ending up with a character assassination. That's an awful way to behave. Your were only expressing your concerns as a mother. I do drive and I'd be very worried about this too. Your DH is being mean and ridiculous.

Of course you were not in the wrong. The friend's parents might also not have been comfortable with this. I wasn't when at 17/18 all of our children and their friends were learning to drive. It's just too much of a leap of faith really.

The middle ground of course would have been for your DH to have driven the child home with your DS also in the car. Once the friend had been safely dropped off then your DH and DS could have swapped over if they wished so that DS could still have driven home and got some extra practice in.

It doesn't sound like your DH is one who regularly looks for the middle ground though.

It's ok to ponder the wisdom of a choice, and vocalise that thought process with loved ones even when the activity involved is not one you are personally skilled or qualified for.

So his reaction is completely unreasonable.
Unless you have form for nitpicking/back seat driving (see what I did there harhar) things he is leading on, or form for undermining his parenting/advice. In which case maybe that could explain the defensiveness.

But what if your joint child was off on a day's abseiling and one of you questioned the wisdom if tackling a tricky cliff was wise given xyz factors, and wanted to consider if relevant considerations had been taken into account by the instructor... Would that be bad because you aren't skilled abseilers?

If you were critiquing some aspect of actual car handling like how to change gear or something I could understand how you not being qualified might be relevant but what you were talking about are just common sense concerns, any adult with a pulse could be mindful of.

What about the other child’s parents?? I’d have words if my dc were driven in busy traffic by a learner without consulting me!

I learned to drive 20+ years ago and it wasn't illegal. Any time we went somewhere as a family (3 siblings) I did the driving. I also gave my friends lifts (and definitely wanted to show off in front of them).

Anyway, YANBU. He is being a wanker in this case. You are allowed an opinion, and it's actually a very sensible opinion. Driving is dangerous and unpredictable. It's not fair to put a learner in that kind of situation before they are ready.

DC friend is also learning to drive but is 3 months further on and has weekly instructed lessons.

They have however driven DC home
over the last few months with their parent in the car which is why DC now wants to do the same.

'this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)'

This is the bit that bothers me most. He sounds like a nasty, undermining piece of work.

I guess he feels DC is more ready than what I think/know and that I’m being unfair doubting DC’s ability and his judgement.

Your dc can only carry her friend legally
if her friend is 25+ and/or has held a driving licence for 3+ years.

My 2 recently passed their tests, absolutely no way would i have taken a passenger and if I was the other parent I would not be happy with this either

This has got me worried I must admit. I allowed my son to take his friend home just before he passed his test. Just the last few weeks. I dpick them up from the gym then he'd drop off his friend then he'd drive home

Learners aren't allowed to carry passengers so problem solved. Wonder if Sterling Moss, (your DH), the godfather of driving of which you know nothing about, knows that

Above post should have had this quote

I have been driving 30 years OP and totally agree with you.
When I was a learner and going swimmingly my instructor asked if I could be his pupil while he was examined I was fine but there was a bit of an emergency stop situation and having the extra in the car made me more nervous and it knocked me back with my driving a bit so took me longer to pass.
And as others have said I wouldn't be happy if I was the parent of friend! And life changing injuries from a crash are something I couldn't live with
My DD crashed with her friend in the car not long after she passed her test 15 years ago and it ended their friendship even through luckily she wasn't hurt.
When teaching my DD and ds I often took my youngest DD in with us once she got to your son's stage I guess but not somebody else's child.
My ds was a very good driver when learning as he had been driving tractors from age 14 so we all went all over with him while waiting to pass his test but I would never have had one of his peers in with us it's a different responsibility.
I think your oh has been a bit of a pig just because you don't drive doesn't mean you can't say what you think.

this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

He is generally an all round good guy

FFS, a good guy would NOT berate another person like this. Open your fucking eyes OP. He's nasty. Think back to all the times you said no, or asked him to step up - what was his reaction every time?

As for the driving - if my child was being driven by a teenage learner at all, never mind on the route you described, I would hit the roof and ban my child from ever going to your house again.

I think you’re right that an inexperienced pre-test learner should not take passengers.

I also would not want it to happen if it were my child as the passenger.

BUT.

As a driver, I can imagine your comments as a non-driver irritating me. Your concern about dual carriageways and slip roads for example… I often find that non drivers think these are a much bigger deal than they are. Like the regular posters on here certainly who drive but are scared of motorways. Statistically, you’re far safer on a dual carriageway with predictable, visible, well understood easy traffic flow management than you are trying to time shooting out into a gap on a single carriageway A road from a T junction with poor visibility.

You also focus on the fact he hasn’t been out in a dual control car yet. So what? Dual control is a safety measure - it doesn’t teach you anything. An hour with an instructor in a dual control car is not more valuable a learning experience than an hour in a regular car.

I know I’m making a leap here… but is the reason you don’t drive due to anxiety about it, and it’s a genuine concern for him that you don’t push that onto your children?

I think that YANBU to not want the passenger - that’s a no brainer.
I you’re possibly BU with some of your reasoning, as a non-driver.
But I think there’s a much bigger issue here that you say that he has form for bullying you. I may think you’re wrong to worry about dual carriageways - but he should never bully you.

This isn't true.
A learner can carry passengers in the back as long as they all have a seatbelt on.

Often driving instructors pick up their next client and drop the last one back off. It's pretty normal.

@marmite2023

thats not correct, look it up or read the thread 🤗

Of course they can. Technically they MUST have at least one (the supervisor!!)

@BluebellsareBlue you're wrong. Look it up or read the thread

Source please? (Hint: there isn't one)