DH not talking to me today because….

[Passthecorkscrew]

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

Hmmmm.
I think that’s an important detail.
I still don’t personally think either of them should have passengers, but it makes your husband’s acceptance of the suggestion a bit less controversial.

In my mind, my gut reaction was, “god no!” but in your family, it’s already normal for a learner driver to take a passenger friend - your child has even been that passenger friend. So for your husband and child, this wasn’t the big deal that it seemed to me.

This thread is perfectly demonstrating that you don't need to know anything but can still have an opinion anyway 🙄

I think you were wrong in terms of the activity and your DH was wrong in terms of how he reacted.

@Passthecorkscrew

its itrelevant what he thinks, he has NO right to speak to you that way or put you down like that.

he could have said 'Darling, I understand what you're saying, but DD has the skills mow to do this. It will be ok'. Even if he didn't agree with you.

probably a step too far, for the Big Ego, but he should have said 'Yes, you're right really. DD has the skills now, but we should practice the skills before taking friends in the car'.

Of course you can have an option on it, whether you drive or not.

@Octavia64 I think it was you who said the DD doesn't need lessons if she's doing ok with her Dad, she does, there are loads of little things they now do slightly differently that examiners will be looking for & she needs to have that help with an instructor.

@araiwa 😂😂😂😂😂😂

I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

What would actually be new? Not the route, but the driving. Are you saying that your child hasn’t yet driven on a dual carriageway or urban city residential roads?

Maybe “character assassination” is a bit strong.

What he does often in arguments is bring up other scenarios of examples which he feels backs up his narrative…

Last night to go along side the driving was how I act with DC before a sporting event, apparently “I’m always in their ear projecting my nerves” just before they compete.

I do get nervous for DC to a normal amount and sometimes it helps to talk over a plan but projecting fears just isn’t the case.

He does occasionally make me doubt myself though which I recognise is a form of gaslighting.

He has some really lovely qualities, he’s a hands on husband and Dad and he never moans (well maybe sometimes) but I think he does struggle with control (himself not of myself and DC) and he can take things very personally.

Probably more outing that I want to be but he is Forces (very high pressure role) and has just got back from a long stint away so we are all finding the balance again.

I guess my main question is now, where do I go from here? I don’t feel I have anything to apologise for, he likely feels the same and if I bring it up again it will end in another argument.

Do I just stay grouchy, act like nothing happened, ignore him till he apologises.

Meh I hate arguments.

Your DC will be an instructors worst nightmare when they get lessons, the instructor will have to undo all the bad habits your dh has taught them, to make them test ready!

I'm with you on the driving their friend home though, I wouldn't be happy with that! I wasn't keen on my dc driving friends when they just passed their tests.

Your husband sounds nuts. His behaviour is disgusting.

A normal response would be:

"I understand your concerns, but having driven with him for weeks I feel that he is capable of tackling this new route with me in the car. We'll need to try the roundabouts one way or another anyway. We can check with friend's parents to see if they're happy about it too. Don't worry, he's doing a grand job so far."

*I guess my main question is now, where do I go from here? I don’t feel I have anything to apologise for, he likely feels the same and if I bring it up again it will end in another argument.

Do I just stay grouchy, act like nothing happened, ignore him till he apologises.*

Will he apologise?
Do you mean you both have a pattern where you sulk then he gives an insincere apology?

I would say the thing to do here isn’t to get back into the driving side of things. I think your child shouldn’t have a passenger, but given you’ve already accepted them being a passenger, it’s not a clear cut situation. Instead, I would bring it up in terms of how it wasn’t acceptable to speak to you how he did.

But… you say it’s a character assassination, then you say it isn’t. So think about exactly what isn’t acceptable to you, and focus on that.

I can't see the problem as long as your DH is happy to supervise. I often gave people lifts home etc. as a learner and it is was great practise - obviously mum or dad were always in the passenger seat too.

I always think it's best to have these discussions away from children too - it's not fair for them to get caught up in the middle.

https://www.gov.uk/driving-lessons-learning-to-drive/practising-with-family-or-friends one of the passengers must have had a driving licence for three years. You are right to question driving with friends and on busy roads. My child that drives learnt at a driving school and only went out on busy roads with friends/family once they had passed their driving licence. Safety is important. Accidents can happen anywhere and on the quietest roads but it’s observation skills on the motorway that need a driving instructor to check. These skilled professionals will notice observation and correct any lapses.

When our son was learning to drive, he had lessons and also husband took him out. On occasions they took one of son's friends with them in the back. Son got used to having a friend as passenger so when he passed his test he felt no need to show off. It was also very useful as he could then ferry his younger brother around.

Absolutely not with another kid in the car!!

1. Does your husband support a football team or similar? Next time he offers an opinion point out as he is not a professional he needs to be quiet.

1. You have experience of driving and travel.

1. You know your child.

1. The circumstances are risky. Car accidents are life changing. At best.

1. I fear there have been other times when you have been silenced.

1. I just don't see why this journey at this stage needs to be done. Will the husband be in the car and will he be sober? If so, he can drive as a talk through tutorial. If not, it won't be insured

I completely agree with you. Your husband is so puffed up with pride at his own self image as uniquely good driver and teacher, he is taking a silly risk. I'd be pointing out to him that however competent he believed himself to be, it would be DC in full control of that vehicle and should he make an error, or encounter another driver who put them in danger, he would lack the experience to stay safe, and in the absence of dual controls your H would be powerless to prevent an accident. There is no way as the other mother I'd be happy with this either.

No way I'd want my bairn in a car with a learner who might be tempted to show off. Not a chance.

The silent treatment is abuse btw

Totally agree with this!

You tell him that just because you're not qualified in something doesn't mean you're not allowed an opinion and ypu wont stand for being talked at in the way he did - where he doesn't agree with your opinion he should explain the reasons why like a normal adult, not just dismiss you as its disrespectful

I wouldn't feel happy to participate in anything at all that would put someone else's child at risk of injury.

Mere weeks after passing his test, my ex put his best friend in the hospital after flipping his car. Friend's dad came to ex's house and upon the door being opened punched him hard straight in the face.
Ex didn't say a word, nursed his face for a week and has always said it was rightly deserved.
Friend recovered, the friendship didn't.

Reading your update does change it you let your DS have a lift home driven by learner driver friend with his parent

this issue is you don’t think your DS is upto it but the person actually teaching him seeing his reactions and ability is the best person to judge

some people never have professional lessons

I don't think the issue is who was right about the driving - it's the way he spoke to you. His reaction sounds aggressive and patronising - can you ask him not to speak to you like that again?

@Passthecorkscrew

He is generally an all round good guy but he did take this very personally for whatever reason.

Call me cynical but invariably when someone describes their DH in a post like this as a “good guy” or a “great dad”, as night follows day there will then follow a laundry list of obnoxious and twatty behaviour cited.

Your husband is an arse. What your DC suggests does sound risky to me but the main point is that he shouldn’t berate you for daring to have an opinion on your child’s safety and give you the silent treatment for doing so.

Yes, definitely wouldn't be insured

He behaved like an utter twat.

This would spur me on to learn to drive with a qualified driving instructor (unless you can't for health reasons?)