DH not talking to me today because….

[Passthecorkscrew]

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

There's lots of ignorance on this thread re. driving - it's quite scary!

I’m with your DH, OP, though don’t agree with the way he spoke to you at all.

You don’t understand the difficulties of the task, you don’t understand your DC’s skill set and you pushed your fear and nervousness on to them which can be a really debilitating mindset for new drivers and was pretty rude about your DH’s instruction to date. If you think your DH has done a great job of teaching to date, why wouldn’t you let him assess the situation? He has the skills and experience of your DC’s driving that you don’t. But instead you “wonder” out loud (and in front of DC) if your DC needs a “real” instructor in a dual control car. That’s really undermining and unjust if things have been going well.

The more driving your DC does the more their confidence will grow. And yes you can have passengers but it’s much harder to concentrate if you do IMHO. And if there’s any major anxiety or road closures etc obviously dad can take over.

But to speak to you like that is not OK at all. It’s the sort of thing my dad growing up would do or say to my mum and knock her confidence, they are now long since divorced. Is there a reason you don’t drive, is it linked? My mum never drove as she lost all confidence…. I blame my father for that too.

Personally I don't think you can have an informed opinion since you don't drive yourself

I'd be ok with a confident learner driving in that situation EXCEPT for having a friend in the car - I wouldn't be ok with that.

I'd drive there with the friend as a passenger and allow my child to drive back

I learned some 30 years ago and it wasn't illegal then. Once I had reached a certain standard (and if I didn't mind) the lesson ended at the next learner's house where possible. Either the next learner drove me home or we got there a bit early and i drove myself home. edit oh god its 40 years ago! where did the time go?

I don’t think from his reaction that he’s an all round good guy, I think he despises you and you put up with it.

That’s by the by though - it’s your life. The concern about a learner driving a new route with a passenger, while it will probably be fine, is valid regardless of whether you drive or not. It’s not about driving experience is about comfort with risk. If your DS has done plenty of roundabouts and duel carriageway driving before then it shouldn’t be a problem. It’s really up to the other your person and their family as to whether they’re comfortable. If DS hasn’t done duel carriageway driving before then it’s not very sensible.

yup this "he has form" and also the "hair and makeup" comment is just toxic.

personally, if I found out my son’s learner driver friend had driven him home I’d freak out in a mayor way. Your husband is out of order. You voiced a very legitimate concern. I’m a driver and I would never suggest a learner drive a friend home. I’d hide the keys if you need to, but I think safety first always and above everything else.

It's not illegal. My dad used to let me drive with family in the car

I havent' read most comments except yours but I will say that I think that you shouldn't be getting involved int he discussion around driving. If he's taken the lead on driving and he feels confident in your DC's abilities, that's all that matters and you don't have a say - I agree with him.

Having said that, he appears to have gone from 0 to 100 in a heartbeat which is a bit odd and concerning and I'd definitely have an issue with that.

Reading your updates though, rightly or wrongly, he obviously thinks you project anxieties onto the children. He could be totally wrong. Or he could have a point that is worth you taking a long hard look at yourself. I'm inclined to believe him because for you to get involved in this driving discussion with such a strong, negative opinion when you know nothing about it does rather suggest someone who is irrationally anxious and thinks they can/should control things.

Sorry.

Are you going to call him out on his childish sulking and silent treatment OP?

Your update is even worse I think. Rather than having a reasonable family discussion about risk, how well your DC is doing and whether he/she feels ready for it once discussed; your husband essentially cut you down to size, dismissed you entirely as irrelevant and incompetent, and totally undermined you.

Furthermore he then had a complete go at you. Frankly I'm incensed on your behalf. You're his wife, not one of his direct commands and presumably you pick up ALL the slack when he is on deployment. How very dare he?

If he's only recently come back, has your DC been driving for as long as their friend? It's not a bloody competition.

That would be a complete over-reaction.

The DC is going to pass their test at some point soon and without being much better at driving than they are now.

At that point, they're free to pickup friends and drive anywhere they like without any supervision. That's where the over-confidence and distraction of friends is a danger.

It's better the DC gets used to having a passenger. Let them see their driving needs their concentration at all times while the DH is there to correct it.

Hmm as a forces wife, do you have any access to pastoral support and does he? I have no experience of forces life but my late husband did have a job that took him away for months (not directly life threatening but risky) and I know what you mean about rebalancing time. We did have some snarkiness in the transition period but he would never have spoken to me like that or had a "narrative" in that way.

OP, I really think you should learn to drive, pass your test and LTB.

Who cares if he’s taken the flipping lead, he’s not the only parent. Too many men in the armed forces have balls bigger than their brains.

We don’t have sufficient info to know whether his confidence is just or misplaced.

For me it would come down to how much duel carriageway/night driving DS had done and how the other parents felt about it.

I've been driving for over 40 years and I agree with you.

Moreover, if I was the friend's parent, I would not allow it. I preferred mine not to ferry friends around even when they had passed their test, until they got some proper experience.

Your husband is being an utter arsehole.

Exactly, as I said before is not about driving experience it’s about risk comfort.

I don’t think I’d say yes to my kid being a passenger in that scenario.

I don’t think someone who has form for working themselves up into a frenzy and character assassinating their wife is an ‘all round good guy’.

He sounds like a nasty, superior shit, to be honest.

This is so hard to call without the nuance of the conversation, but do you have form for being negative/anxious about things and projecting a little?

I'd find it incredibly frustrating if I was trying to build our child's confidence with different things (driving, sports etc) and my DH was thinking of negative things to bring up that could happen, it isn't really helpful and if you have form for doing that then he may be impatient with it.. to me it sounds a bit of column A and a bit of column B, where you both could probably approach it better.

The main issue for me wouldn't be your DS capability as if you haven't been in the car with them at all, you couldn't know what he is and isn't ready for, your DH is the only person who can judge and take responsibility for that if he's the one teaching him, but having a friend in the car would be incredibly distracting IMO and that's the way you should have approached it.

Ex instructor here. It's a very bad idea for lots of reasons.

The questions are

1. Has the learner done any major roundabouts at the time of day the drive will take place?

1. Have they been taught joining a dual carriageway and if so was it during similar conditions?

1. Have they any experience at driving at 60+ mph?

1. Have they driven before with an extra passenger? (The car responds differently).

1. Have they experience around other traffic?

1. Can they carry out an emergency stop in emergency situations?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, their first teaching experience of it shouldn't be with a passenger because their attention is not 100 percent on the driving.

Op sounds very sensible, her partner does not.

It never ceases to amaze me how paranoid people are about teaching their DC to drive. No wonder so many people are such terrible drivers. @bogoffeternal is totally right - it's an overreaction

Except in this case, the friend already drives passengers around as a learner. It's in OP's updates.

As a parent, I wouldn’t allow my teenager to be driven home by a learner anyway and would expect the learners parent to respect this.

But by the by, your husband owes you an apology. You don’t have to be experienced in something to know it’s dangerous - I don’t have much experience with sharks but I know I wouldn’t want to be swimming anywhere near them!

His treatment of you and subsequent sulking is not ok, I suspect this is just one example of him being a dick and there will have been many more.

Irrelevant. He may be a much more experienced learner or have more stupid parents.

He’s a misogynist man type man. Quite pathetic comment about make up. Just suggest that your husband drives them there and on the way back when the friend isn’t in the car your son drives