DH not talking to me today because….

[Passthecorkscrew]

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

You don't need to understand the "unique skill set of driving" to know that trying new, more challenging elements isn't the time to have a friend in the car. You were talking absolute sense, it's common sense.

Even if he disagreed with you, why did he feel the need to be so bloody horrible about it?

I'd have to use that "unique skill set" garbage every time he tried to mansplain something to me. But then I suppose my marriage wouldn't last that long. It wouldn't anyway if I had someone treating me like that in the first place.

I can’t get over the fact that he nipped you.

'I've never worked in a circus, but I know a fucking clown when I see one'

You are right on so many fronts! It's really foolish to do all these difficult manoeuvres in one go, ( possibly in the dark if it's after dinner ) a passenger is a distraction, plus I'd be VERY unhappy at my child being a passenger with a learner driver who hadn't even had a proper lesson.
You may find out when your dc has a lesson with a qualified instructor your dh isn't as hot at driving as he thinks, is quite possibly teaching bad habits of which one, over confidence, is very dangerous.
The comparison with make up is fucking stupid, insulting, and misogynistic.

You have every right to have a say in ANYTHING that has a risk factor, not only for your child but someone else's child in your care.

Your husband is a bully, and I don't buy all of this "but he's a great guy" bullshit for a second. No decent man would speak to their wife this way. He quite enjoys making you feel stupid and inferior.

What's with all the amateur law students?

Stop giving advice on laws when you have no idea!

Unfortunately this ^^ is absolutely correct. Most drivers develop at least some bad habits which will be fails for your DC if she has picked them up!!

Also, I'd have to learn to drive now, just because he'd been so fucking patronising.

"When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!"

Slightly different isn't it! I mean, doing your friends hair and makeup is unlikely to result in an accident!!!

This makes me glad I live in Germany where all driving is with an instructor until you pass your test!

No unqualified people deciding how capable others are at driving!

I think this is very relevant. I was imagining the friend’s mum being horrified by the idea when she wouldn’t have much right to be.

I personally think it’s a terrible idea for anyone who hasn’t passed their test to be driving anyone who’s not their instructor about- especially minors and especially in a car with no dual controls. I am surprised any parent is happy with it.

Your husband was being an arse though, yes.

I agree. We got our DC to drive wherever we were going. Dropping siblings off, Uni visits that didn't involve Motorways, driving to clubs. All to give them different experiences and not just learn the test route.

Although the stats for young, newly qualified drivers being involved in serious accidents are horrific, the scenario of having a parent in the car is rather different. There is a reason that insurance for learners is comparatively inexpensive, then rockets as soon as they pass their tests.

No excuse for DH being a dick though.

Surprised so many think it’s illegal. Mine passed last year at 17. She was insured on my car. Anytime we went anywhere she drove to practice. On a few occasions her friend would be with us, I never gave it any thought. I was happy with her driving and felt safe. All her peers parents adopted same approach. She also had a 2 hour lesson a week. Given lessons cost £70 a week, any opportunity to practice was taken. she passed first time.

A friend’s son, who is a lovely lad, had an accident shortly after passing his test. It was his mistake but luckily nobody was hurt.

Why do so many people think it's illegal it's really odd!

Could dad drive them both to friends house then your DC drive home?

He sounds like he's overreacted to your concern and has form for being a bit of a knob!

What!? That is crazy.

Why isn't your ability to drive important to the family ..you should be taught to drive first ..
Why would you not want to learn

My husband taught all our DC and as each one became more experienced they often took DC's friends home or took me with them etc. I think it's good practice to learn to drive with passengers and understand how different and distracting it can be. I'm not sure that tackling new and more complex routes is the best time to be taking passengers though so I fully understand your concerns BUT your DH has behaved appallingly, dismissing your valid concerns for the sake of his own ego in such a horrible belittling way. Shame on him.

DD’s instructor very much encouraged going out with her.
They also go on the motorway with a qualified instructor now - mine was on motorway after only a few lessons as it was quickest way to test route. Parents can’t supervise on motorway.

Parents teaching their kids to drive is a terrible idea unless they are a driving instructor by trade. You will have all sorts of bad habits and lack the ability to think ahead of what the driver is about to do.

Gosh how on earth do you manage when he's away months at a time ,must be so hard for you ,you know ,with you not understanding your dc abilities and that .
He sounds like a bully , determined to undermine you .
You need to get driving yourself

He’s a prick!

hair and makeup isn’t a life or death scenario!! What a stupid comparison!

I’d be the one in the huff and wouldn’t be talking to him till he apologises … he sounds like a very condescending idiot

They don't even need to be 25 in most cases - that's only the rule for certain insurance companies, it's not the law.

As long as the person supervising (in the passenger seat) is over 21 and has held a driving license for three years, the learner can carry as many passengers as the car can legally hold.

https://www.gov.uk/driving-lessons-learning-to-drive/practising-with-family-or-friends

Why wouldn't they be insured! Do people not realise that you get the learner insured as a named driver on your policy (or their own if its's their car) with their provisional license?

None of dc had lessons with a professional instructor. None have had any accidents yet and they now have 10 years experience between them.

My dd drove her friends on a trip out as a learner, I took the car home and they returned on the train.

As long as your dh is happy that she's up to it (as the competent adult teaching her), then it's his, and their parents call.