Page 11 | DH not talking to me today because….

Passthecorkscrew · 2024-05-20T09:33:48+00:00

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU… Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come. DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process. DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up. I don’t drive. Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door. I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car… Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this) I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right? When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!! Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue. AIBU

Reallybadidea · 21/05/2024 20:08

EmeraldA129 · 21/05/2024 20:00

I thought it was illegal to drive with a passenger when learning to drive. Could be wrong on this though, it’s 2 decades since I learnt to drive!

Yeah, you are. As you'd have known if you'd bothered to RTFT. Or even the first few responses.

Isinglass20 · 21/05/2024 20:15

A Learner driver is not permitted under Road Traffic Act to drive if not accompanied by a driver who has a valid licence.
And so if pulled over by the police in a car with L plates and police checks on computer they’re not the owner and no licence and then accused of TWOC and then banned and dad also accused for allowing a learner to drive his car knowing he’s breaking the law, and the insurance premiums shooting up with points added to his licence.
I’d be questioning whether he’d lost his marbles.

Missola · 21/05/2024 20:30

He’s set a very bizarre precedent in your relationship and also generally in life that you’re not allowed to have an opinion on anything unless you are either an expert or have directly done something yourself…

Surely it’s not about his driving instruction skills more about what your DC is legally and safely able to do, you are absolutely allowed an opinion on that!

fieldsofbutterflies · 21/05/2024 20:31

Isinglass20 · 21/05/2024 20:15

A Learner driver is not permitted under Road Traffic Act to drive if not accompanied by a driver who has a valid licence.
And so if pulled over by the police in a car with L plates and police checks on computer they’re not the owner and no licence and then accused of TWOC and then banned and dad also accused for allowing a learner to drive his car knowing he’s breaking the law, and the insurance premiums shooting up with points added to his licence.
I’d be questioning whether he’d lost his marbles.

What are you talking about?

The dad would be there supervising!

DisabledDemon · 22/05/2024 00:29

Passthecorkscrew · 20/05/2024 10:47

Thank you everyone,

He is generally an all round good guy but he did take this very personally for whatever reason..

I did try and explain that isn’t about his coaching or DC’s ability…they are actually doing really well, just that neither of them can control other drivers and DC’s reaction time is still a work in progress.

Ahh - men and driving. You do realise, of course, that this is a sacrosanct talent that is natural to men and which we mere women cannot comprehend?

EmeraldA129 · 22/05/2024 00:50

Reallybadidea · 21/05/2024 20:08

Yeah, you are. As you'd have known if you'd bothered to RTFT. Or even the first few responses.

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Oh geez, I read the IPs first few posts. Sorry I annoyed you so much with my response. GAL.

RawBloomers · 22/05/2024 00:50

DisabledDemon · 22/05/2024 00:29

Ahh - men and driving. You do realise, of course, that this is a sacrosanct talent that is natural to men and which we mere women cannot comprehend?

Show quote history

A dad, passing on his talents to his daughter (and whom he may or may not have judged as capable - unclear if he actually responded to DD’s suggestion before OP jumped in to tell him the score according) objects to his with a wife who does not drive trying to tell him how to do it, and you think he’s objecting to her comment because he thinks it’s a sex-sacred talent. There’s no basis for that in what the DH has done here. Driving is a unique set of skills that is learnt and practiced by drivers. Not by people sitting on the sidelines watching others do it.

ErinBell01 · 22/05/2024 00:57

Your concerns and comments to your husband sound perfectly reasonable to me. Even if you don't drive you are capable of seeing the dangers in the situation. I'm afraid your husband is being very arrogant and controlling in this situation.

RawBloomers · 22/05/2024 01:57

ErinBell01 · 22/05/2024 00:57

Your concerns and comments to your husband sound perfectly reasonable to me. Even if you don't drive you are capable of seeing the dangers in the situation. I'm afraid your husband is being very arrogant and controlling in this situation.

The dangers are always going to be there. Driving is inherently risky. Pointing out lots of dangers is not a useful thing for someone who isn’t involved to do unless there is good reason to think the drivers are unaware of the risks. Pointing out dangers in a way that might induce doubt or increase nervousness in a new driver, whether her DD is allowed to do that particular trip or not, can make drivers worse and increase the danger.

What OP doesn’t have any idea of is whether her DD is at a stage where she could reasonably handle the risks - that’s what her DH has been assessing every time he takes her out - something that OP says has been going really well and she “can’t fault him for”.

DisabledDemon · 22/05/2024 02:50

RawBloomers · 22/05/2024 00:50

A dad, passing on his talents to his daughter (and whom he may or may not have judged as capable - unclear if he actually responded to DD’s suggestion before OP jumped in to tell him the score according) objects to his with a wife who does not drive trying to tell him how to do it, and you think he’s objecting to her comment because he thinks it’s a sex-sacred talent. There’s no basis for that in what the DH has done here. Driving is a unique set of skills that is learnt and practiced by drivers. Not by people sitting on the sidelines watching others do it.

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Pretty much aware of that. Women drive as well as (if not better) than men. I think you're having a sense of humour failure.

And there's no reason that someone who doesn't actually drive can't exercise a proper sense of caution.

RawBloomers · 22/05/2024 03:03

DisabledDemon · 22/05/2024 02:50

Pretty much aware of that. Women drive as well as (if not better) than men. I think you're having a sense of humour failure.

And there's no reason that someone who doesn't actually drive can't exercise a proper sense of caution.

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It would need to be funny for it to be a sense of humour failure - but the way you used it it’s just a tired cliche that did not even fit.

As well as an understanding of road dangers, a proper sense of caution in this situation requires a full understanding of the DD’s capabilities - which OP does not have.

Itsallok · 22/05/2024 03:50

Passthecorkscrew · 20/05/2024 16:47

Wow MN at its finest

(the minority not the majority, thanks for all your views on my AIBU)

The judgment on why I don’t drive is astounding considering I didn’t ask for any opinions in my OP.

There are many reasons when people don’t, medical, impairments, legal, trauma, expense…

You have no idea my reason so keep your unwanted views to yourself.

Its a life skill - and if you have a good reason for not holding a licence - impairment or medical - then that is fine. But just never bothering when you live in a rural area and have a husband who is not around much it does seem limiting. And maybe your husband is sick of it.

andyourpointiswhat · 22/05/2024 04:08

He is being totally out of order and there is never an excuse for pure nastiness. My kids knew that they were never allowed to be driven by learner drivers outside the family where myself or DH would have been the supervising driver. I wasn’t too thrilled about red P platers either but had to give in on that one. I would be furious with your DH if he had let your son drive mine home.

sashh · 22/05/2024 04:26

I do think he has a point. I don't think he should have made it the way he has.

What non drivers interpret can be way off what drivers see. I've had non drivers try to give me directions including sending me the wrong way up a one way street.

I've said to passengers things like, "I need to be in the left lane if we are turning" to be told we are not turning then suddenly told, "turn here" which I can't do because I'm in the wrong lane.

I know you are not in the car with your DC but assumptions can be wrong.

Motorway driving is one of the easiest things to do in a car, you don't have pedestrians, horses or zebra crossings. You just drive under the blue sign telling you where to go.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/05/2024 07:25

FictionalCharacter · 20/05/2024 10:40

Of course you're entitled to a say. You're her parent just as he is.
character assassination. (DH has form for this)
This isn't good OP.

This

bogoffeternal · 22/05/2024 10:13

andyourpointiswhat · 22/05/2024 04:08

He is being totally out of order and there is never an excuse for pure nastiness. My kids knew that they were never allowed to be driven by learner drivers outside the family where myself or DH would have been the supervising driver. I wasn’t too thrilled about red P platers either but had to give in on that one. I would be furious with your DH if he had let your son drive mine home.

You were more concerned about your child being given a lift by an inexperienced driver with an experienced driver supervising than you were with your child being given a lift by an ever so slightly more experienced driver with no supervision.

Have I read that right?

DisabledDemon · 23/05/2024 00:58

RawBloomers · 22/05/2024 03:03

It would need to be funny for it to be a sense of humour failure - but the way you used it it’s just a tired cliche that did not even fit.

As well as an understanding of road dangers, a proper sense of caution in this situation requires a full understanding of the DD’s capabilities - which OP does not have.

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Yawn.

wellington77 · 23/05/2024 01:23

You have every right to not only voice your concerns but stop the car journey. Your husband sounds like a control freak with an anger problem. Stand up for your self and tell him what’s what or get rid. I’d never let my husband speak to me like that

EmeraldA129 · 23/05/2024 11:16

EmeraldA129 · 22/05/2024 00:50

Oh geez, I read the IPs first few posts. Sorry I annoyed you so much with my response. GAL.

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Thanks for the unnecessary dose of passive aggression. I didn’t have time to RTFT but DID read all of the ops posts. Looking back now I can see that a large number of posters thought the same as me.

im sorry you clearly have more time on your hands than I do.

WilliamButt · 25/05/2024 20:52

Isinglass20 · 21/05/2024 20:15

A Learner driver is not permitted under Road Traffic Act to drive if not accompanied by a driver who has a valid licence.
And so if pulled over by the police in a car with L plates and police checks on computer they’re not the owner and no licence and then accused of TWOC and then banned and dad also accused for allowing a learner to drive his car knowing he’s breaking the law, and the insurance premiums shooting up with points added to his licence.
I’d be questioning whether he’d lost his marbles.

I think it's you who've lost your marbles.

PrincessofWells · 26/05/2024 17:24

sashh · 22/05/2024 04:26

I do think he has a point. I don't think he should have made it the way he has.

What non drivers interpret can be way off what drivers see. I've had non drivers try to give me directions including sending me the wrong way up a one way street.

I've said to passengers things like, "I need to be in the left lane if we are turning" to be told we are not turning then suddenly told, "turn here" which I can't do because I'm in the wrong lane.

I know you are not in the car with your DC but assumptions can be wrong.

Motorway driving is one of the easiest things to do in a car, you don't have pedestrians, horses or zebra crossings. You just drive under the blue sign telling you where to go.

Motorway driving is NOT one of the easiest things to do in a car partly due to speed, but especially when things go wrong they go wrong in what appears to be a split second when you're inexperienced, and you have to make decisions very quickly. That's something many inexperienced drivers struggle with.

Grammarnut · 27/05/2024 18:21

I think one problem you have is that you do not drive and so your DH won't regard what you say. But you have a valid point about DC driving a friend home on a route that includes large roundabouts and a dual carriageway. It is not illegal for a learner with a provisional licence to drive on either of these types of route, as long as there is a licenced driver with them - so presumably DH is going with DC. However, it's not ideal to do these things at night and with a friend in the car who may be distracting or just chatter and give advice. If DH wants DC to try driving on such a route before having formal lessons to drive he MUST be with DC and it MUST be in daylight and with no particular end in view but to practice the roundabout and dual carriageway. Big roundabouts are a nightmare, esp if you are not sure where you are going. My late DH always started talking to me at large roundabouts and got very offended when I said (forcefully, I am afraid) don't talk I am negotiating a roundabout and not sure which exit etc. It takes some skill and knowledge to get round one and off at the right junction. Thus DH is being bloody stupid suggesting DC should take a friend home after dinner, which must be either after dark or at dusk (very, very dangerous). Tell him so and then do the silent treatment on him and see how he likes it - sulking is the worst kind of abuse (my ex-DH would do it, as a gaslighting technique).