DH not talking to me today because….

[Passthecorkscrew]

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you. Do you feel like an equal partner in the relationship?

@Hameth “Will the husband be in the car and will he be sober?”

Where did that leap of a question come from?!!!!!

I dont see the problem with your DC driving that route tbh. If they're learning then they need exposure to driving in as many scenarios as possible. Professional instruction with dual controls is not mandatory.

I do however see your DH's response to you as a problem, definitely no need for him to be so defensive. And driving is definitely not a unique skillet, most adults drive for a start.

They are, just googled as I agreed, but they can carry passengers up to the car limit if all wearing seat belts.

Does your DH have a 'chain of command' mentality in your marriage OP, with him at the top?

It sounds like he diminishes your concerns and dismisses you as over-anxious.

@changewashing why do you think they wouldn't be insured?

It's perfectly legal for learners to carry passengers as long as the person in the passenger seat is over 21 and has had their license for three years.

by his rationale then, neither of you could give DC advice or raise concerns about anything you don't have personal experience of? So if they wanted to, say, live in a foreign country or start a career in porn, or invest all their money in a dodgy scheme or go sky-diving (insert other example here) it wouldn't be appropriate for you to say anything at all, not even a mild 'are you sure that's a good idea?' if you hadn't personally done it, no matter how potentially dangerous?

If someone has severe food poisoning or sunburn or have been stung by a hornet or something, only people who have had the exact same experience are allowed to give advice, even if it's something as basic as 'drink lots of water,' or whatever?

If any of your dc are female and get pregnant, he accepts that even if he saw them necking a bottle of wine or deciding to go abseiling at 8 months he has absolutely no right to any input, because being pregnant isn't something he personally has experience with? Somehow I think not.

The fact he used make up as an example to justify his position is pathetic.

There are situations when he could have been justified in pointing out that without experience you might not be best placed to comment - if you were in the car with DC and started saying things like 'should you have indicated there' etc - minor things. Pointing out that a teenager who hasn't yet had a single professional lesson shouldn't take passengers isn't that, it's just common sense! And even if you were in the wrong, it sounds like he went completely OTT in responding to you.

If they practiced the route a couple of times, checked with the friend’s mum and are actually insured to have a passenger, plus if they’ll be travelling at quieter times of day, it might be ok. Have they had much practice on big roundabouts, dual carriageways etc? It wouldn’t be good having a passenger if it’s very early days trying out these kind of routes. The learner driver might get more flustered with an audience. You should be allowed give your opinions without being treated like this by your H!!

If you don't drive and haven't done any of the lessons then you were in no position to make such a comment, especially you've now added that the friend drives your DC home with their parent in the car.

Your comment completely undermined your DH's parenting. As he is the one that has put in all the time and effort to teach your DC to drive, then surely he is capable of making the decision on whether it is sensible for him to drive his friend home? If he didn't feel it was safe, then he would say no.

My mum did this with my sister....they crashed

I didn't think you could do that if you haven't passed your test?

The point is not that the OP was right or wrong in her question.

The point is that she should be able to raise a concern without being shouted at and having her character assassinated. A couple should be able to disagree without this much aggravation and aggression.

I didn't think you could do that if you haven't passed your test?

Yes, you can. It's perfectly legal for learners to carry passengers as long as they're supervised appropriately.

Lots of people on this thread need to brush up on their driving knowledge 😬

DH knows what he’s doing and you don’t - that is fact.

That does not mean that you don’t get an opinion or can’t express a concern.

He was BVU to speak to you like that and argue about it.

But I do wonder if you have form for unnecessarily worrying your kids, which would annoy me too.

Why don’t you drive?

If it’s to do with anxiety then there’s a big chance that you often putting your anxieties into your kids.

You are entitled to voice your safety concerns about your child AND someone else’s

he sounds obnoxious I’m sorry, his ‘stay in your lane’ attitude when your having a family chat would piss me right off

Not in UK no idea because the legalities.

I don't think your husband handled this well but I can see his point of view.

You have completely undermined him and it's obvious that you don't trust his judgement or ability to know your daughter's proficiency. You may even be right not to but it's still not nice for him to hear.

You also don't drive so aren't best placed to judge. You also aren't the one assessing DDs ability.

Do you really think that your husband would put his daughter at risk or that he would allow her do this if he thought she wasn't capable?

His other comments about feeding your kids anxieties indicates that you seem to be s cautious, worrier and he seems to thing you hold your children back? Can you look at this objectively? Do you or do you think it was just added to the argument in the heat of the moment?

For anyone else who can't RTFT - IT IS LEGAL TO CARRY PASSENGERS AS A LEARNER IN THE UK

<unclenches>

I think it's reasonable for DH to say that it's his decision not yours to decide whether DC is skilled enough to take a particular route, as you haven't been involved in giving the lessons. (I say this as someone whose DH taught our DC to drive.)

It does sound like he overreacted though.

So I would tell him I'm happy to apologise for interfering if he will apologise for shouting at you.

I think thst you have a perfect right to express sn opinion but your DH is acting like a dick.

To shout you down and use personal insult as a means of shutting you up is deplorable. Giving you the silent treatment is the behaviour of a spoilt toddler. He is not a nice man.

Enjoy his silence and get yourself some driving lessons on the sly. Having a licence is a game changer. For instance you can drive off next time he throws a sulky.

Your DH should not be erupting at you. In normal healthy relationships couples talk through their issues. This is a red flag for domestic abuse.

I would not allow my son who had not yet passed his test to drive with a passenger when we were out on practice. Not even his sister let alone someone else’s child .

Yes, this would have been fine. It’s similar to what my DH said when we had a discussion about DS cycling - there is no way I’m not making my view clear, and I haven’t been on a bike since I was about 8 …

The comparison to hair and makeup is ridiculous. Your DH needs to know that the sergeant major act has no place in your home and he needs to drop it quickly.

He is generally an all round good guy but he did take this very personally for whatever reason

I'll have to take your word for it! He sounds like a tosser to me!

It would actually be worse for your learning childs confidence if they mucked up in front of their friend

I agree with you OP.
Qualified instructor to teach, dad for practice.
No passengers unless with dual control car plus instructor.
That is how all my DC learned to drive.
Also, they all had a further lesson with the instructor on the motorway as soon as they had passed their test.
Aren't there rules/insurance requirements around this?