To say no to DSD coming on holiday

[Hatfrog99]

So DSD is 15 and quite frankly is hard work- is rude and argumentative to DH (never to me) and he Pandors to her. She doesn’t bother coming to stay or visit and turns down all meals out/ family days but says yes to holidays. This year she has sent DH an extensive list of clothes for holiday but has not come to our house for 7 weeks and only messages to see what he has bought off the list and add stuff.
i feel so used that she is not interested in seeing us and spending time with us unless it’s a holiday where she demands hundreds of pounds worth of clothes that she takes to her mums and we never see again. I have tonight told DH that unless this improves after holiday next month she will not be invited again- AIBU

You can’t stop him going away with her but you can decline to join them. Are there other children involved?

Yes I have 2 DS and he has a DS also

My parents always bought me new clothes for a holiday.
What's wrong with her having nice new clothes if she's going away?

Oh ffs she's 15! Do you buy your son any clothes?

She does sound like a pain in the arse but also, she’s 15 and some of them are like that. I think it would be very unreasonable to leave her out of a holiday at this age. If she was 18/19 that would be different.

I know this is far, far easier said than done but you need to try and find common ground with her, what is she interested in? Is there any way your DH/you could also show an interest so you build a relationship that doesn’t just consist of buying her stuff? It’s like when you watch Peppa pig or whatever with toddlers, you’re not watching it because you like it but because they do. It’s more difficult with teens because they’ll know if you’re faking interest!

All the children are bought clothes but her list is the only contact she has has nothing else and it’s designer items that we never see again and then once holiday is over we don’t hear again

We have tried taking her to her hobby and showing an interest and she called DH a swear word and banned him from going but said he could still pay

You’ll never get a sensible reply here OP as the non step parents will just jump on you and say what a wicked awful person you are.

Then don't pander to it. Make sure she knows she is invited and leave it there.

Haven't you posted this before? It's very familiar.

She's 15. Suck it up for the next few years for the sake of the longer term relationship.

My DSCs are going through this stage and I'm sorely tempted to make zero effort on birthday/Christmas presents this year. However, I will take my own service and suck it up. They have until they're 25 to become nice humans again (they were great kids).

Yanbu. He can take her away if he wants, but I stopped going away with DSC at about this age due to similar issues. Spoilt, rude, etc. What should have been a lovely holiday was a two-week long punishment; I wasn’t taking precious holidays from work for that.

Most kids and teens need new clothes for
Holidays because they've grown out of last t years.

Most 15 year olds are annoying. They grow up past it.

When they are yours it isn't possible to refuse to have anything to do with them you just have to keep going and show them they belong and they turn into sensible adults eventually.

You aren't unreasonable per se but your kids will do this too.

Last holiday she would use pool or any facilities and wouldn’t even sit with us in the day and sat 10 sun loungers away.
her list of clothes includes a Canadian goose puffer jacket- for 35 degree holiday

You shouldn’t have one child getting more than the rest so DH might have a word with her about the clothing.

On the surface, lots of teenagers don’t want anything from their parents except money but she could be a little more gracious about it.

She sounds like a little madam but not being invited on holidays is a BIG punishment. Maybe when you are away there will be time for you or DH to have a word with her that her behaviour isn’t acceptable. It will be easier to communicate well when you are all more relaxed.

YABU in that it isn’t your call. You aren’t in your opinion, though.

Teens do grow up but the only way they grow into decent people is when they see healthy boundaries.

If you just want clothes and a holiday and no companionship, you shouldn’t get the clothes or the holiday.

More info needed - what kind of days out do you suggest?

Are there other younger children?

Can he not just say no to the clothes ?

When they’re yours, you have some agency over how you can encourage them to behave and become nice people down the line.

When you don’t; it’s thankless

When you were a teen honestly how much effort did you make? Because while I was quiet and polite I literally just did a passing hi to my parents, life was just tv books and make up and I had very little interest in being sociable but yes would go shopping with my family and gratefully accept new clothes etc!!! If all teens were punished for not being lovely, friendly sociable creatures none would ever get a holiday!!!!

And I hate the word pandering- if you give your children something or go for the easy option it’s seen as pandering to kids- what do you want life to be a full on fight all the time? People pick their battles

Time for her to get a part time job

Like hell would I buy a 15 yo a £1000 coat! She's still growing ffs.

Unfortunately, I think this one is between her and her dad and what he's condoning. You're well within your rights to refuse to holiday with them, but that will throw the whole family dynamic.

She's clearly using her father, and he's obviously pandering to her whims and enabling this behaviour. And, she knows it. Does he feel guilty for some reason?

She's also, I believe old enough to choose what visitation she has.

Personally, I feel that She's either involved in whole family and not just reaping the benefits because she can't be fucked.

He's also not doing her any favours by allowing her to request such outlandish things. Fine if she's pays a portion of it or working chores off in exchange. But she will never understand the value of money otherwise, if it keeps coming to her wrapped in ribbons and fluff.

What parent agrees to an expensive winter jacket for a sun holiday? More fool him

Just buy the list but unbranded. So she wants 5 strappy tops cool. A coat. 4 shorts.

Just buy how you do for the others and she can like or lump.

So if it was one of your biological children you would do the same then? Sure

You'll get weird replies of how this is ok. My 15 year old would never dream of acting like this, it's not ok. Tell him to holiday with her alone in future.

I don't think YABU but there will be the usual contingent making you the wicked step mother.

New clothes for a holiday is fine (though the designer brands are imho excessive), the problem here is the wider context.

Part of good parenting is teaching that actions have consequences.

What she's doing is essentially using her father to buy new things and score a holiday, whilst simultaneously refusing to have any relationship beyond one which is rude and disrespectful.

By allowing this she is learning that treating people in this way. It's not.

She behaves like this because your DH lets her and one day he will wonder why the hell his DD has grown into a selfish, self absorbed adult.

Personally I'd be happy to give her a reasonable budget for holiday clothes which she can source and buy herself on the basis she quits the rudeness/stroppy texts.

I'd also be clear that she's expected to behave on holiday and be polite. If not she won't be invited again.

Re: contact I'd give more leeway and I would not make this an issue about being able to go on holiday. At 15 she'll want to hang out with her mates rather than family.