To say no to DSD coming on holiday

[Hatfrog99]

So DSD is 15 and quite frankly is hard work- is rude and argumentative to DH (never to me) and he Pandors to her. She doesn’t bother coming to stay or visit and turns down all meals out/ family days but says yes to holidays. This year she has sent DH an extensive list of clothes for holiday but has not come to our house for 7 weeks and only messages to see what he has bought off the list and add stuff.
i feel so used that she is not interested in seeing us and spending time with us unless it’s a holiday where she demands hundreds of pounds worth of clothes that she takes to her mums and we never see again. I have tonight told DH that unless this improves after holiday next month she will not be invited again- AIBU

Not really relevant, but who buys their DC15 a Canadian Goose coat?
I have a nearly 15 year old and an older teen and they have never once asked for any designer gear. I got my arse handed to me once on here for saying I bought my DC things from normal high street shops and was told my kids weren’t wearing the latest stuff.

I think you need to take your DSD to family counselling. That would be much better value for money than some coat that was actually designed for climbing Everest.

The sitting separately is rude - though not wildly outwith stroppy teen behaviour - and I would tell her. The list of wants would get sent back with a 🤣🤣🤣 and told she can have x budget for holiday clothes to buy herself, or on a specific shopping trip with you . Take it or leave it!!

i understand I can’t say she can’t come on holiday - but I can say he should take his children away and I will take mine next year (if the next one goes the same way)- maybe time the 3 of them just them will do them good.
he does offer to meet up such as going for dinner, to ice cream places, shopping etc just the 2 of them and she says no I have also invited her on a London day to see a show, have dinner but was refused so we do try it’s just draining

The coat would be pointless anyway she never meets friends or goes out unless made so would be an expensive room decoration- and for the record I have a teenage and he would never get that coat bought for him either

15 year olds can be hard work, that’s normal.

It would be unkind of you not to include her in holidays with her own dad and half siblings. She is their family.

This!

Agree.
Tbh i would say your husband needs to say, no designer gear but you can have clothes. Id invite her on holiday...its hard being a stepkid..you also dont know what her mums saying also shes a teenager, at 15 i didn't want to be stuck next to parents on holiday ...eugh...its not cool. Just be kind to her but youve every right to pull her up kindly that its not acceptable.

My DSSs never acted like this. Many 15 year olds do not.

Personally I would offer to go on a shopping trip with either of you, or one of you. Or just give her an allowance for holiday clothes so she can go. Set a limit. Then the ball is in her court.

I'd also ignore behaviour such as sitting elsewhere. It's daft. Don't show it impacts you.

Swearing at you or whatever should be addressed as and when it happens. Then move on. Set boundaries. Apply them. Move on. Make sure she has the choices. Pick your battles.

One of the reasons schools struggle so much with behaviour these days is that a lot of parents have lost all perspective on teens.

One of the first teaching principles is ‘high expectations’. This means believing that teens can do well (including behaviour), being positive and encouraging, but also having strong boundaries and enforcing them.

Imagine a teen only coming to class occasionally when it interested them and then demanding special conditions when they did condescend to turn up. Sounds ridiculous, right? And there will be loads on here telling me it is a silly analogy-mainly because they can’t face the fact that believing teens are somehow special people who can behave appallingly with no consequences isn’t wrong.

If teens aren’t parented with high expectations and consequences, they don’t necessarily grow out of it. So many employers and managers on here have started threads about ridiculously entitled employees in their 20s who think start times are optional and enforcing deadlines is damaging their mental health.

Lots of teenagers behave in a selfish entitled way. You seem to have it in for her because she is a step daughter.

Really? I read it as OP has it in for her because she acts in selfish entitled way. It's not endearing behavior.

Its not fair to blame the child for the situation. Her parents are enabling bad behaviour. That is where your annoyance should be focused.

I'd say no to items in the list such as a Canada goose jacket because that's clearly not for the holiday.
Set some boundaries.
I'd still invite her because this is what some 15 years olds can be like whether they are step children or biological children and as others have said they usually grow out of it and become lovely again.
I remember my own ds not leaving the hotel room until way after the lovely breakfast buffet then asking for a huge lunch when the rest of us were still full from breakfast and calling us unreasonable when we asked him to go to breakfast for 10.45am. He's a wonderful considerate adult now.

I don't think it's unusual for 15yos to no longer be interested in family days out a meals but still want to come on holiday. Re the clothes that's a dh issue isn't it.

Also not sure why you say you never see the clothes and she takes them back to her mums. She's 15 do you expect her to keep them at yours and only wear there?

don't Primark sell puffa jackets?

@FloofyBird ,

Why are teens given this special dispensation that neither gets granted to younger children or adults?

If your husband didn’t want to do meals or come out with you but still fancied you paying for a nice holiday for him, is that ok? How about an 8 year old? So why, magically, do 14 and 15 year olds have all the rights of an adult and all the responsibilities of an 8 year old?

And of course I wouldn’t buy my children clothes that they only wore at their Mum’s, why would I? Of course they can use them there, but they also need to come back.

This attitude is damaging TBH.

Same as if they were commenting on a post by a male

Hundreds of pounds’ worth? Unless the family is loaded, I don’t suppose I’m only one who thinks this excessive.

Is the holiday already booked?

If it was bad last time I wouldn't have been bothering with this one.

Perhaps she needs her dad to make an effort/put in some boundaries?

Why should she miss out on a holiday if this is her only chance to have one with her dad?

It does sound as if separate holidays might work better?

Do all the boys get on & she feels left out?

Wow your stepdaughter sounds like a nightmare, I feel so sorry for you.

I think the invitation should still be extended to her due to her age, but all the choices should be on your/DH terms. Eg spending money, where you go.

She should be treated the same as her brother/s and not given a huge wardrobe allowance just for being the only girl.

I don’t think a whole set of new clothes are needed each holiday, I certainly never expected that. At 15 if she is still growing and needs larger sizes, sure. But most 15yo girls are not going up sizes every year anymore. Maybe give her a budget (£100?) that is the same as the other children to spend, and she can choose whether that is on vinted or primary or Canada goose.

If she doesn’t want to talk to you, don’t bother trying to talk to her. Just keep offering to let her join family activities and leave it at that. She’s not your responsibility to raise into a considerate pleasant adult, the boat has sailed for that.

Once she is 18, you don’t need to invite her to family holidays anymore.

She will still find things to moan about, so just leave her to it.

Why are posters suggesting OP has never met a teenager before? She has at least one of her own. She’s as experienced a parent as her DP and her kids have separated parents and live in a blended home as well. Her step daughter is not more deserving of the kid glove blank cheque treatment than anyone else in the household.

OP, is it too late to bail on the forthcoming holiday? It sounds like it’ll be shit for you and your kids. If you can afford separate breaks with your own kids do that from now. Don’t waste precious time and money feeling grumpy and resentful.

This girl is the product of the parenting she’s had from her mum and dad. You’re pushing water up hill trying to change her or them. Stop bothering. Detach detach detach. Focus on your own children. They’ll only have one childhood.

So her behaviour on holiday (not using the pool or facilities) is normal behaviour for her at the minute then.

You implied she was acting like a brat but she’s obviously struggling at the minute.

She sounds like a typical self conscious teen and just needs a bit of extra love and support right now, not be pushed out and made to feel unloved or unwanted.

Keep inviting her and she will soon come out of the other side.

Perhaps book a holiday that includes something she wants to do and remember that even if she doesn’t want to use the pool etc, that she’s still being included and still creating memories that she’ll remember forever.
It may not be our choice to spend the holiday that way but she’s doing what she feels comfortable with.
Not inviting her is going to make things a lot worse.

I don’t think it would be the worst thing in the world to have a couple of days away just her side of the family and you do the sand with your side too.

Agree a reasonable clothing allowance and then deduct what her Mum should be giving her from it. Pay that to her each month and tell her it is now up to her to buy all her own clothes. At 15 she could also do babysitting or waitressing or a paper round to earn money herself.