To say no to DSD coming on holiday

[Hatfrog99]

So DSD is 15 and quite frankly is hard work- is rude and argumentative to DH (never to me) and he Pandors to her. She doesn’t bother coming to stay or visit and turns down all meals out/ family days but says yes to holidays. This year she has sent DH an extensive list of clothes for holiday but has not come to our house for 7 weeks and only messages to see what he has bought off the list and add stuff.
i feel so used that she is not interested in seeing us and spending time with us unless it’s a holiday where she demands hundreds of pounds worth of clothes that she takes to her mums and we never see again. I have tonight told DH that unless this improves after holiday next month she will not be invited again- AIBU

Absolutely nothing about OP’s message suggests she hates her DSD seeing her dad. In fact OP is annoyed that DSD doesn’t seem interested in seeing any of them at all.

I understand that childhood hurts can last a lifetime, but you are doing nobody, least of all yourself, any favours by projecting your experience onto scenarios that do not match.

Doesn't sound like she has a great mother. Your DH needs to step up massively here. She has two parents who are responsible for getting her to school etc. He also needs to step in when she is rude and argumentative towards you (though she is a stroppy teen so maybe give her a little bit of leeway!)

Sod buying her the list of clothes! Put a stop to any bloody lists! Give her a sum of money and let her buy her own! It might teach her some budgeting skills!

She doesn't sound like a young person that's happy in her life...

I think teens in step-families are often a bit of an issue.

A lot of teens are difficult to like. They're too old to be cute, and they're demanding, self-centred and a bit annoying.

The reason they survive is because their parents may not like them at times but of course they love them (hopefully). That makes having them in the same house bearable (and of course there's only a few years left until they are hopefully independent and move out). And then amongst the angst and unpleasantness, there are moments when they are nice, decent, interesting human beings and that gives you hope for the future.

But of course this isn't your teen, you don't live with her and you don't love her (at least, not as her parents presumably do). And there's a lot of truth in the saying that 'Hell is other people's children'. Especially when they've been poorly parented, as it sounds like this child has by both mum and dad.

Your DH sounds like a wet blanket. Why has he accepted being relegated to being a breathing ATM in his child's life?

I don't blame you for not wanting to go away with someone else's surly, poorly-parented teen. But equally, if I could have tapped my useless dad for hundreds of pounds of stuff when I was 15 and got away with it, I probably would have.

Yeah step parent responses always are like this, projecting is a favourite defense against anyone with previous experience of being on the other side. Aren't we all projecting when we evaluate someone's limited post.

The op said nothing about any of these things so your evaluation is as limited as mine.

My step mum would also moan that I only called to ask for money. And I didn't visit enough. " See she never comes. She doesn't love you she's just using you." This story from op sounds so familiar. Truth is I didn't want to see her hostility towards me and had to walk on eggshells as she'd always find smt wrong to bitch to my dad about. It might be the same situation. We just don't know. Cos we're only listening ops take on things. Op knows what's true in her heart. All I'm saying is try to be in her shoes as well. 15 year olds are moody, are into fashion and phones.

I think this has zilch to do with you and all to do with her father.
If my partner were to tell me that my DD is not allowed to a family holiday, that would be it for me.

How long have her parents been divorced? She's a teen and also dealing with her parents break up.

Why bother coming on here to moan about your SD , or have you tried your husband . He was none of it ? You don't get to lay down the rules how she is treated by her own dad .

Sorry, what? You've told DH that she won't be invited? I hope he laughed in your face.

So much of your post is unreasonable, unrealistic and unpleasant. Clothes that she takes to her mum's and you never see again? What do you expect her to do with her clothes, leave them behind for you to look at?

It's common for teenagers to reduce or vary contact with the non-resident parent. Living between two homes is difficult for teenagers who are developing their social lives and friendships. And being rude and difficult is also par for the course - he needs to deal with it and parent her, not allow you to use it as an excuse to squeeze her out of family holidays.

She sounds like an utter brat OP- I’d refuse to entertain her whims- her dad has no choice- but she is using and manipulating him if your version of events is wholly accurate.

She can write what we she wants on the list, your DH doesn't have to buy it for her.

What's the backstory of how you two got together etc does she see you as other woman?

I think your DH should offer to take her out to dinner sometimes - she clearly doesn't feel comfortable in your house, it's not her fault she's not used to rules like what you have

I agree. She won't leave her clothes somewhere she doesn't live, would you op? If your mum bought you a coat as a present would you leave it at their house?

She really doesn't, if anything she sounds neglected.

Doesn't even have her basic needs of food and sleep met, nor does she attend school. Her relationship with her father sounds non-existent and apparently it's all her fault.

She's a kid.

Yup. She sounds like a normal teen. You don't like her op so why do you care that she sat a few sunbeds away from
You!

This can change firm boundaries need to be in place. She wants to come on holiday with you, then she needs to spend at least x amount of days at yours first.

She wants holiday clothes, this is the budget, this is what you need.

If she doesn't like these rules then she can decide herself whether she wants to go.

If she wants designer clothing she waits until Xmas or her birthday or get a Saturday job to pay for them!

There might be kick back, put I bet you anything she will do this to go on holiday.

She is currently setting the rules, this needs to radically change.

Don't buy it. Set her a budget.

Maybe she doesn't like you and that's why she never wants to come round.

Poor kid sounds like she has really crap parents

She’s a teen, so much of her behaviour is down to that (eg sitting away from you and spending time in her room).

She’s also likely to be self conscious and that’s why she wouldn’t use the pool or facilities (my teen was exactly the same).

I assume all kids were told to write a list, which she did.
Your DH doesn’t have to buy everything on that list.

You are negative about her mum, yet she actually wants to spend time with her mum and so she’s obviously a decent parent.

You don’t get to decide whether she comes on the holiday or not, that’s for DH to decide and him refusing to take her is going to make their relationship even worse.

Her age doesn’t help but this is the age where DH needs to make the most effort as she is going to try and push the boundaries.

You come across as quite nasty.
Not only about this child but also her mum too.

I don't understand the that's normal comments, so she doesn't come and spend time with her dad, or if she does it's intermittent, but demands a new wardrobe, and then fecks off again with minimum contact. I wouldn't be facilitating that either. It's selfish. I wouldn't be buying a whole new wardrobe for her either. I don't think it's unreasonable to say you won't go again, but it's really up to her dad and if he is willing to accept that behaviour and attitude and still take her on holidays, all you can do is go on your own with your kids and not with him and his

She's 15 FFS what a nasty way to speak about a child. Do you have teens??

I don’t understand - why would you expect to see her clothes again? Aren’t they for her to keep?

Has your husband tried having a conversation with his daughter about the incompatibility of £1000 arctic coats and hot holidays?

Have you been in her life for along time? Do you have an OK relationship?

I wouldn't exclude her from the holiday, that would be very hurtful.

So you say NO to his DD coming on holiday.

I hope he will finally takes the role of a responsible parent and chooses his DD.