To say no to DSD coming on holiday

[Hatfrog99]

So DSD is 15 and quite frankly is hard work- is rude and argumentative to DH (never to me) and he Pandors to her. She doesn’t bother coming to stay or visit and turns down all meals out/ family days but says yes to holidays. This year she has sent DH an extensive list of clothes for holiday but has not come to our house for 7 weeks and only messages to see what he has bought off the list and add stuff.
i feel so used that she is not interested in seeing us and spending time with us unless it’s a holiday where she demands hundreds of pounds worth of clothes that she takes to her mums and we never see again. I have tonight told DH that unless this improves after holiday next month she will not be invited again- AIBU

Sounds like the problem is with your DH, because most sensible parents wouldn't entertain the huge clothes list.

But blended families can be complicated and we don't know how she feels about her dad and the divorce/subsequent new families etc.

She's possibly angry and resentful over some things and this is how she shows it, but that doesn't mean your DH should let her treat you all like this.

Obviously you can't stop him taking her away though.

I would say there is a budget for holiday clothes and that is all you are buying. Similar budget for all DC (may need extra for older as clothes may be more expensive but not designer clothes)

Just seen the comment about the jacket.

Well tbh more fool your DH.

He's taught her she can behave this way and make ridiculous demands and have them met.

He lets her text/speak to him rudely.

I'd say this issue is more about your DH's parenting than your DSD's behaviour tbh.

I think you tell dh you're not prepared to go on holiday with him and his dd unless he agrees to set boundaries around her behaviour so she doesn't spoil the holiday for the rest of you. And she needs to sit down with you and dh and hear him explain this in advance so she can choose to come on holiday, or stay at home. If she won't participate in this then she's chosen not to come. Not a punishment, her choice.
Clothes budget - surely she gets the same as her brother to spend?

I stopped going away with DSC for similar reasons. You can't not invite her, but you can step back from holidays. DH takes them alone now. I've spent 8 years giving my all to those children, I'm not spending my precious annual leave being moaned at. Protect your own sanity OP it's the only thing you can control!

I think she’s 15 and being a bit of a dick as many 15 year olds are. She can’t see further than herself at the moment. Another few years might sort it out and I wouldn’t want to throw down a gauntlet that might jeopardise a nice future relationship.

You could buy only a selection of the clothes she demands - those suitable for the holiday. You don't have to give in to all her demands.

I assume she's doing GCSE's at the moment so I can understand your DH wanting to give her a holiday but you don't need to go with them. Or you could book a villa for two weeks and ask her along for one week. Expect her to want to spend time alone - she's a moody teen, but take no notice. Get on with enjoying your holiday with your children.

My DD1 was horrific at 15 real nightmare. She was similar on holiday and with demands. You can say no.
Now she's an absolutely wonderful 22yr old person and I have a really amazing relationship with her.
Good thing I didn't just throw her away when she was difficult eh. But she's not yours right so it's ok....

You can say no

Step-parents can’t usually say no, if the child’s own parents will not.

You lost me with the puffer jacket for a summer holiday. You’re both being unreasonable in facilitating this madness and allowing her to get to this level of behaviour. Of course she can’t have hundreds spent on her and be disrespectful and swear at your DH and still expect to be treated?

Your husband is the one not parenting her. Your beef is with him, so leave him at home.

Has your DH actually bought her a Canada Gosose jacket for a summer holiday? If so, more fool him. She gets the same as everyone else spent on her and that's that. If she doesn't go away, the clothes get returned. Keep the tags on.
If he has been stupid enough to buy her whatever she's asked for then you have a DH problem, not a DSD problem.

No he has not bought her the jacket- he didn’t even know what it was was or how much it costs until I showed him.
i just feel used for items then she ruins the holiday sulking, moaning she wants to go home, refusing to go on trips/ excursions and then no contact for months - I genuinely don’t understand why she wants to come away as she is so miserable when there

I'm really sorry, but if she hasn't been to your house in 7 weeks, then something has gone wrong. She's 15 and being bratty comes with the territory But why does she never want to spend time with her dad?
And to be fair, you must be saving a fortune in never having her round. My teens would eat me out of house and home.

Come on OP, see the funny side. She's a teenage girl and they can be challenging ... as well as totally unreasonable!

She doesn’t come here as we have rules such as keeping rooms tidy, having meal together with no devices, internet automatically turns off from 1.00 until 6.00am , no swear. Her mum is single and is more like her ‘friend’ so never at school, constant junk foods and takeaways and allowed to stay up all night and sleep all day

Why doesn't your DH set a limit for holiday clothes for her - £100? £200?

Why doesn't he Parent her when she misbehaves on holiday? How does he handle it?

So does she not see her dad at all during those 7 weeks? Does he not go and see her?

There's obviously a relationship issue here and I don't think you can blame that solely on a 15yo.

Her mum is single and is more like her ‘friend’ so never at school, constant junk foods and takeaways and allowed to stay up all night and sleep all day

Both parents are equally responsible for ensuring their children attend school. What is your husband doing about that??

It all sounds very sad, poor kid. Is anyone actually looking after her at all then? No wonder her behaviour is so poor, sounds like she's raising herself.

I genuinely don’t understand why she wants to come away as she is so miserable when there

She's a difficult 15 year old. She wants to come to make sure the rest of you don't have a good time 😁 I'm only half joking. The key is, when you are away, ignore her. If she chooses not to engage at all then fine. It's her that misses out. Don't plead, don't beg, just be bright and breezy. If the behaviour escalates because she is being ignored, then your DH can stay with her while you get on with enjoying yourself. Or pretending to. Let him feel the consequences or else next time he will insist it wasn't that bad and of course she's going. It's his problem.
Then next holiday, she doesn't come. It's that simple. It doesn't have to be a drama, if she doesn't behave this time then she doesn't go again.

She sounds a right little madam, and I would not accept that behaviour at all

That being said, you can’t veto your permissive husband pandering to her anymore than you can stop him holidaying with her.

Just think long game. She has fewer years of childhood behind her than ahead, so you won’t have to deal with this for much longer.

There are two sides to these stories. You could've been my step mum when I was 15. She hated me seeing my dad, taking attention and time and money away from her and her child. She tried convincing my dad I was only after money (cos I asked for clothes) when I was just a normal teen interested in normal teen things. She tried to paint me in a bad picture every time I called, she was hostile, always looking for me to do or say smt wrong so she could moan and say I told you do to my dad. Zero affection. Always me me me. She told me I shouldn't go to holidays cos she can't relax when I'm around. I loved my dad and he did and she couldn't stand that. Anyway long story short, they're divorced now. Dad saw right through her.
You should try to look from a 15 year olds perspective and accept that she's your husband's daughter. Children come first and she needs a family. These precious days with children end quickly when they leave to go to uni. Don't be the one that goes in between the daughter and her dad.

It's not your decision to make.

I think your husband is daft to put up with the clothes list and her rudeness, and in your shoes I'd be telling him that. However, ultimately it is up to him what he buys for his DD and also if he provides her with a holiday. As PP suggested, if you find her behaviour intolerable all you can realistically do is tell him to take her away without you.

Put it this way step child or your own child in my house if your rude, disrespectful, using people and can't be bothered with family life then you wouldn't be rewarded with brand new designer clothes that they have demanded and a holiday.