To say no to DSD coming on holiday

[Hatfrog99]

So DSD is 15 and quite frankly is hard work- is rude and argumentative to DH (never to me) and he Pandors to her. She doesn’t bother coming to stay or visit and turns down all meals out/ family days but says yes to holidays. This year she has sent DH an extensive list of clothes for holiday but has not come to our house for 7 weeks and only messages to see what he has bought off the list and add stuff.
i feel so used that she is not interested in seeing us and spending time with us unless it’s a holiday where she demands hundreds of pounds worth of clothes that she takes to her mums and we never see again. I have tonight told DH that unless this improves after holiday next month she will not be invited again- AIBU

Toxicinlawz

"Op why do you keep saying that you never see the clothes again... I would say as the clothes belong to your dsd then of course you never see them again. And as the girls father he should be buying her clothes! If he was with the girls mum and they all lived together he would buy her clothes and she might still give him attitude. Maybe she has issues with him ... she's not rude to you and you don't even seem to appreciate this. You are unreasonable and you also sound jealous of her. P.s most teens want designer clothes!"

So op needs to be grateful sd isn't rude to her?

You deduct after you have agreed what the other will contribute, not before. Clearly, there is no communication otherwise, which is needed to agree the total.

She isn't argumentative with you cos she doesn't feel comfortable around you. You dont sound like you've assumed any close relationship with her.

Not really, it sounds to me that DSD isn't argumentative with OP because she might actually have some boundaries and won't put up with it.

You're saying OP should treat her like family and in the same breath saying that she can't have any say in discipline or consequences - well, having an equal say in those things IS treating her as her own family.

That's insane - it's a straight no.
Your DH has to speak with her in the same way that you would your children. Everyone gets the same budget for holiday clothes. You spend time together as a family or she visits often. She spends time with you during the holiday or she doesn't go.
I don't think it's unreasonable. If she wants to spend time with her dad alone that's also ok she can do that and no going your holiday. Sitting 10 loungers away from you is just beyond rude.

People here sometimes are a bit .... None of this is ok. Someone said OP sounds jealous - of what exactly! I couldn't justify spending over £500 for a winter jacket when going on a summer holiday.

He should be asking her to show up more often and I agree shopping with DH just them.
DH should explain that coming round more often makes it easy when they all go on holiday. - sounds like they have a terrible relationship anyway. I sympathise OP. I wouldn't be taking her if there's constant conflict at if it ruins everyone's holiday. DH and her can holiday on their own.

Saying 'you sounds jealous of the DsC' is a bit of a desperate last gasp effort from people on here who don't really have much of an argument.

Alongside 'if you don't want to stand wordlessly in the face of obvious poor behaviour and be treated like dirt then you shouldn't have gotten married'

This is good advice. Her behaviour is not acceptable. Time to give the list back and give her a set amount for clothes that’s the same as the boys. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

Your DH will not improve the relationship by buying designer clothes. It just doesn’t work that way.

I guarantee if you don’t take her on the next holiday she will demand the cost of her ticket.

Give an allowance for holiday clothing and can buy out of that. She's capable of going shopping herself. It may help her to understand how much things cost to do it this way.

Set some ground rules which are conditions of the holiday - we all eat breakfast and dinner together each day. You can hang out separately/do your own thing between these hours on these days. On X and Y day we are doing these day trips as a family and you are expected to attend.

I am not jealous of my DH child- that is absolutely insane! I am however frustrated by the behaviour and implications on everyone else in my household.
when I say we don’t see the clothes what I meant was they all go back in a bag and then she come back for the weekend ‘forgets to bring anything’ and wants money for shopping or turns up in old, too small or damaged clothing especially if she knows we are going somewhere again to get money to go shopping. I could not care less if she left nothing here and bought back and forward what she needed, actually with her lack of being here it would mean clothes are worn and used but not to the point she brings NO clothes here and again excepts money

Quite a few 15 year olds are horrible, judging by MN anyway.

You can’t just opt out of taking them on holiday because they’re being awful.

You (or rather your DH) absolutely can and should tell them no way to ridiculous clothing demands and pull them up on being rude.

she brings NO clothes here and again excepts money

Your DH needs to grow a backbone and say no to buying new stuff if she’s deliberately forgetting her stuff.

She may feel like she is ‘owed’ something by your DH. Without knowing the background it’s hard to say. It may not be so much about the expensive clothes. More about him showing her he cares. And I do realise she doesn’t visit. But teenage emotions and divorce emotions are complicated.

This is pretty poor behaviour to extract money and gifts though. There’s no getting away from DH needing to a have a talk. It probably needs to bigger than just the clothes though.

I don’t know if it helps but DH and ex split because ex cheated and admitted this- felt he worked too much and didn’t pay her attention (she didn’t work and never has). Ex dated that man for around a year and then was single for 6 months and is now engaged but he works away mon-Fri.
i meet DH around 9 months after they split up and were in separate homes, they were not divorced at this point and this happened about a year later.

Just say no!
buy her a couple of swim suits and shorts and t-shits and tell her the rest isn’t required! End of!
I wouldn’t spoil my daughter like this and wouldn’t put up with it from a step child either!
When she send a a list DH needs to scrutinise it and simply say yes to X Y & Z and no to everything else… a feather jacket for a sun holiday would be an instant response of a laughing face and a ‘are you serious?!… it’s going to be hot!!’

She wouldn’t have even been invited on this holiday after sitting away from you all on the last one… I’d have told her the clothes can be stored at your house too! She sounds like a spoilt entitled brat and Mumsnetters or not, she wouldn’t be welcome in my blended family until she showed some respect!!

And yes tell DP that next year you intend to holiday alone with your DC. I wouldn’t fork out money for a holiday and let it be ruined by a stroppy teenager… mine or otherwise… if my own daughter behaved like this on holiday she wouldn’t come again either!