To say no to DSD coming on holiday

[Hatfrog99]

So DSD is 15 and quite frankly is hard work- is rude and argumentative to DH (never to me) and he Pandors to her. She doesn’t bother coming to stay or visit and turns down all meals out/ family days but says yes to holidays. This year she has sent DH an extensive list of clothes for holiday but has not come to our house for 7 weeks and only messages to see what he has bought off the list and add stuff.
i feel so used that she is not interested in seeing us and spending time with us unless it’s a holiday where she demands hundreds of pounds worth of clothes that she takes to her mums and we never see again. I have tonight told DH that unless this improves after holiday next month she will not be invited again- AIBU

She’s just a kid :(
you sound like you’re just watching her implode. Help her and show her affection instead of judging her. Weren’t you ever a teenager OP??

I would invite her to the holiday but spend equal amount on all children re clothes. Give her a budget with a limit. Once she’s 18 then I wouldn’t invite her on holidays unless she showed a bit more interest in her Father the rest of the time.

You reap what you sow with kids though: if she’s not interested in him maybe he’s just a bit shit?

I'd put a limit on the holiday clothes, she gets X and if that goes on one item then she gets nothing more. I would however keep the door open for a relationship by including her in future holidays if that's all the contact she'll have.

Your DH needs to tell her no puffer jacket then. Reasonable clothing only. Give her a budget eg £250. Let her choose but that's all she gets. All kids get an equal amount.

@Lampshadeblue So you are falling into the same trap as OP . She gets to decide who goes onto the family holidays ?Decide who gets what money to spend . Thenwhen18 gets to decide if she gets invited ? The OP decides for the whole family does she ?

I’m a stepparent and parent of teens. DH and I take separate holidays with our children because that suits everyone, and we can both pander to our various kids’ needs - no apologies from me, I don’t mind indulging my kids on holiday!

It’s normal for. 15 year olds to want to sit on their own sun lounger away from their families. I don’t make my teens eat together for every meal, they’re committed to Sunday lunch and that’s it! OP you say we a lot but it sounds like it is more you and your DH isn’t on the same page. Listening to someone bitch about your child is very unpleasant. As you don’t have joint kids I’d suggest you take separate family holidays and then you and DH have your own adult holiday.

15 yr olds are stroppy and demanding, they soon grow out of it. Stop pandering to her shopping demands and give her x amount of money to buy holiday clothes with.

would you ban one of your own children from a family holiday if they did something you didn’t like?

Children will often prefer the softer parent. Often they are not the better parent.

At 15 the contact should be led by the parent. Teens pull away but parents need to take a step back while keeping a watchful eye. All normal parenting things.

Your DH needs to find a space in which to spend time with her. That may be him saying ‘next Saturday, let’s go shopping, I’ve a budget to get you some stuff.’ None of this buying off her list. She needs to show up, and it needs to be him and her. Lunch out, shopping, wrap up at 4pm, cinema, hot chocolate, or whatever. She doesn’t get to order items; you don’t get involved.

Do you know why she's so angry with her dad @Hatfrog99 ?

She is very hurt about something he did - maybe leaving her - but as she comes on holiday with you she clearly hasn't decided she won't see him anymore. And he panders to her because he feels guilty. Its a vicious cycle.

If you understand what she is angry about, you have half a chance of helping him improve his relationship with her.

Best of the best, it's a toughie but don't give up on her.

I wouldn't be taking my children away if they behaved like that, step children would be no different!

She’s 15. Your husband is her parent. No, he has an obligation to try to build the relationship or talk to her about her behavior. But you don’t punish a self-centered teen with exclusion from family events because she hurt your feelings.

Your DH knows how to say "No". He needs to practice it with his NVDD.

Yes, you have to take her on holiday if she wants to go. No, you do not have to buy her a new wardrobe to go on it. If your DH pays CM, he doesn't also need to provide new wardrobes of outrageously priced clothing.

As for those who say, "the children living with you get new clothes." Yes, but they don't pay CM for them either.

I would put money on the fact that the teen's mother is at least partially responsible for the teen's hateful, awful behavior towards her Dad and SM. Way too often, the mother works hard at poisoning her children toward the other parent and SM.

@Hatfrog99 How does this teen daughter treat her half-siblings? Did you say there is also a son with his ex? How does he act with you all?

Sorry, now I see that they are not half, but step-siblings. Question still stands.

I love the PPs who mentioned giving the teen a certain amount of money for her to buy her clothes with. I think she figures she will get more by giving/demanding a list to be filled. At 15, she doesn't need a whole new wardrobe for every holiday.

Perhaps, it would be good for your husband to take his daughter on a holiday by themselves and you take your son's on a holiday, just you three. You can always take a holiday with just your husband at another time and cut all the holidays down to long weekends so you can afford all three.

You can’t stop her from coming, she's his DD! It's none of your business

It the age. I had this to the extent that I now limit my holidays with the dc )cost of living helps here!).
it would be better to either decline to go on holiday or have a chat with your dh about expectations for basic behaviour on holiday.

Presumably the other children are given a limit or bought appropriate items needed for the holiday.

So offer that - 'heres £X for summer holiday clothing - we're going to Y so bring appropriate clothing, there won't be any more provided if you buy the wrong things.'

And he needs to tell her, she behaves appropriately on holiday, or she doesn't go again. That means being polite to one another and showing at least some interest in some of whats going on. If she wants to sit by herself most of the time, fair enough but she can't be rude and completely disengaged if she wants another holiday.

I don't think it is reasonable for her DF to refuse to take her without warning, or refuse to fund some holiday clothes if the other kids are getting that... but some rules and boundaries would be very reasonable!

In the late my term it's in your best interests to be as welcoming and inclusive as you can be. Your step daughter is a teenager and will not always be like this.

All of this including, excluding is a red herring.

What is your dh doing to improve the relationship and to get his dd to school? Everything else is periphery and will naturally slot into place if he can address these two things.

It sounds as though the girl’s basic needs aren’t being met and allowing a 15 year old to ban you from an activity is telling her that no one is looking out for her. Teens may pretend they are grown up and push a lot against their parents. Ultimately they do this because they want to feel the boundaries. These are what makes them feel safe. The fact that her mother has created none means she will be doubly difficult with her father in the attempt to create some.

I also imagine her mother has not helped and possibly hindered the relationship but ultimately he is also the girl’s dad and responsible for maintaining a relationship with his child. And at 15 she is very much a child. For reference, my dd is the same age.

Your dh needs to put serious effort into this. The girl is being failed and is getting zero education. He should be paying for therapy for himself and her if she will go to bolster him and help him understand where he can improve things. Idk if some kind of parenting classes would help him too.

Tell your husband that he needs to spend the same amount of money on all of his children for this holiday. He needs to treat all the children fairly. Might make him rethink the expensive coat and all the other designer items.

Just tell dsd she has x amount to spend on holiday clothes- same as the other clothes and once it's gone it's gone! And get your do to say if she is coming on a family holiday she needs to spend time with the family- not be rude and not sit with the family! But also do allow her some alone time

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Honestly I have two DDs and while they've never been quite so entitled, they'd definitely have tried it on at certain points. Especially in your situation.
Don't turn it into a battle. Speak with your DH and suggest he handles it better.

DSD will hopefully improve with maturity and boundaries, he's her Dad, he needs to set those boundaries and can laugh off things like the CG jacket...