To say no to DSD coming on holiday

[Hatfrog99]

So DSD is 15 and quite frankly is hard work- is rude and argumentative to DH (never to me) and he Pandors to her. She doesn’t bother coming to stay or visit and turns down all meals out/ family days but says yes to holidays. This year she has sent DH an extensive list of clothes for holiday but has not come to our house for 7 weeks and only messages to see what he has bought off the list and add stuff.
i feel so used that she is not interested in seeing us and spending time with us unless it’s a holiday where she demands hundreds of pounds worth of clothes that she takes to her mums and we never see again. I have tonight told DH that unless this improves after holiday next month she will not be invited again- AIBU

can you give your a budget for the clothes she wants, so just give her the money to buy her own stuff and if she can't afford the canadian goose feather jacket for a summer holiday on the budget she has ...... too bad.

Have been both the 15yo & SM.

As some may say, you have a DP problem.

Most of all, SD needs her father’s time, interest & affection. That is time spent just the two of them hanging out, maybe a hobby, going to the movies, pottering about at home, making brunch for everyone, going to buy her an outfit on a fixed budget. This when the everyday sharing of everyday concerns, hopes & dreams are shared. When his DD knows in her bones that her father is there for here as she grows up.

Forthcoming holiday: yes she goes with you, accept her affected indifference with humour, give her a gift card for her favourite shop with fixed amount for her to buy a holiday outfit.

It’s important that she’s included, gets to know her extended family.
If she steps badly out of line, tell her off as you would your own.

In times to come she may be the person who makes all the difference with her siblings, I.e. your children.

Set a budget, stick to it and tell her it is for her to decide how and what to buy, but that's it, for the trip, so shop wisely as there will be no extras. Do the same with any spending money. At 15 she is making her own way, but being rude or obnoxious is not excusable whatever the circumstances, whatever the relationship. Set the rules, the boundaries and it is unlikely many more family holidays on the horizon at her age, but her Dad is not a piggy bank and it does sound like that's all she cares about, which bodes ill for the future.

I don't understand why you don't just say no to the clothes but keep inviting her on the holidays.

Just give her a budget of whatever you deem reasonable for a few new clothes at say, H&M prices and then she can use it on what she wants, eg just huy ine designer top if that makes her happy.

She has obviously learned to be this entitled re designer brands from somewhere?

Dh needs to be better at saying no. Be a big fat no to the list of clothes from me. If you have a budget for clothes for other kids, she gets the same. Surely she doesn't need loads of clothes.
Dh should also be saying that he will take her shopping for the clothes.

15 yr olds are a pain but dh cant play disney dad either to her whims

Does your DH put a limit on the cost of the clothes his daughter asks for or does he just buy/provide the money for what she asks? If she's sending long lists with each item being designer, then it's totally unreasonable and she needs to learn that life's not like that. If she wants extra money she'll either have to do chores for it or get a job outside school. She should not be allowed an 'open chequebook' sense of entitlement.

If she's rude in her communication this needs taking up with her too. At 15 she's old enough to show respect if she wants respect in return, and to learn that you don't get whatever you want by being rude. It also seems she's selective in what she will or won't get involved with when it comes to family life. I think this needs a word or two as well. You're not there to provide a list of options for her and pander to her wants, and this needs to be made clear.

She could kiss goodbye to any payment as far as I would be concerned. At 15 she's not going to be easy, most teenagers aren't and that's not unusual, but she sounds rude and entitled enough to need pulling up.

I’d continue to invite her on holiday but not put up with the ridiculous clothing demands. Your dh needs to stop that ridiculousness, she sounds spoilt.

ps at 15 I’d be giving her her own holiday clothes budget. £200 if I was feeling very generous and I could afford it

Goodness me! Just because she gives her father a list, doesn't mean he has to buy everything on it.

What a daft bint your OH is to pander to this spoilt entitled brat. What do you mean she doesn’t go to school? To be harsh - if she doesn’t get an education she is going to struggle to get a job. What on earth does she think a Canadian Goose jacket costs and why she is demanding it?

She clearly has no boundaries so behaves like this. Unless boundaries are set by her Mum and Dad she is going to get worse and worse and probably end up on benefits. It’s the school element that concerns me. What is her plan for the future??

And no - she doesn’t come on holiday. What does she add to coming along and then complaining she wants to go home.

She is a child. If your husband allows you to be this controlling, he is a shit father.

She is a child that is demanding a CG jacket. I don’t think we should be making excuses for her.

She’s not an argumentative kid: you’ve said yourself she is fine with her Dad.

This is an issue about your relationship with her and her resenting you.

Reading the way you write about her, I can see why she resents you being in her life. I would, if you were saying it about me.

I don’t know what to say about the trip because teens are difficult and all parents have to grapple with it. Unfortunately for you, you have your DH’s to grapple with as well. That was your choice not hers. I don’t think you have the remotest intention of putting in the effort. So I don’t know, maybe a trip if simmering resentment isn’t good for anyone. But if you don’t want her coming, it’s only reasonable your DH takes her away for her own trip. He’s her dad; she has every right to enjoy holidays away with him.

I expect she is being demanding because she feels owed something . Unfortunately what she is owed is comfortable inclusion in her Dads life. Because that clearly isn’t working, she is consciously or unconsciously asking for clothing in lieu.

I don't think you're focusing on the right thing here. Sure she's acting like a spoilt brat over the holiday. But why doesn't she want contact with her dad? What the hell happened to their relationship that she doesn't want to spend time with him? Because my son doesn't want to see his dad, and that is purely down to the fact that he's not put any effort into the last few years and their relationship has gotten worse and worse. They don't argue, they just don't talk. He couldn't tell you what his son likes to do, or talk about; what he enjoys at school or hates; he forgot his presentation ceremony for a certificate at school and has generally let his son down at every turn. What reason does my son have to go and see him?

It's rare that a child doesn't want to see their parent on a regular basis if they have been consistent and supportive over their lifetime.

The holiday isn't the issue here. The relationship between father and daughter is the problem and nothing will be resolved unless he looks at the bigger picture.

would you leave your own child at home if they asked for clothes and are rude?

when you marry someone with children the children are not optional.

Missing the point I think.

She is argumentative to my DH but never to me - as I would not tolerate it as my children don’t swear or shout at me so I will not tolerate it from any others. DH is so desperate for her to come round he is scared of telling her off as whenever he has she hasn’t come back for weeks regardless and I get he wants to see her but she still needs to be pulled up for behaviour.

I’m really sorry oP I read you post as rude to you but never to her dad . I see now it is to her dad not you. That’s a different story then …

All these people telling the OP that she should just have a separate holiday with her children and he has one with his daughter. Well most families can only afford one holiday a year. So why the hell should OP miss out on spending her holiday with her DH just because her SD is being a brat? That’s a big no from me. Why do step kids seem to get this oh so special treatment and the step mums have to lose their partners because of it? Women in non blended families don’t have husbands that disappear on holiday with only one of their joint children because one of them is being a brat. The child is forced to go on holiday regardless and made to behave themselves. They are not let off with rude behaviour and swearing or treating their parents as a ATM. It’s the husbands fear of losing her which is why he allows himself and the stepmum and half siblings all to be treated badly. Those are the people he lives with full time, and who presumably don’t act badly and they should be prioritised over a DD who treats people badly. The step daughter should either be uninvited because of her lack of contact and rude behaviour or made to come and made to behave. She’s either a part of the family or she’s not, she shouldn’t be allowed to pick and choose and use her dads fear and guilt to her advantage and to ultimately harm the other family members. OPs husband needs to step up and make a stand one way or the other.

When did it become OK to go around calling a child a brat. It's absolutely awful you don't even know this child and the way she is being talked about is not OK. Step children have a very tough time feeling pushed out of one parents home clearly this child feels unwelcome and is acting out. The grown ups are the ones who need to grow the fuck up.

15 yr olds are stroppy by nature. It's the job description, but this young lady is taking the biscuit.

DH still needs to discipline his daughter. He's doing her no favours by letting this sort of behaviour ride.

Just sounds like you don't like her tbh. Why can't she take the clothes to her mums , you don't need to see her wearing them at your house to justify buying them🤷‍♀️

Stop trying to be as petty as her. You’re the adult she is entitled just as the other siblings to have her father spend money on her