To say no to DSD coming on holiday

[Hatfrog99]

So DSD is 15 and quite frankly is hard work- is rude and argumentative to DH (never to me) and he Pandors to her. She doesn’t bother coming to stay or visit and turns down all meals out/ family days but says yes to holidays. This year she has sent DH an extensive list of clothes for holiday but has not come to our house for 7 weeks and only messages to see what he has bought off the list and add stuff.
i feel so used that she is not interested in seeing us and spending time with us unless it’s a holiday where she demands hundreds of pounds worth of clothes that she takes to her mums and we never see again. I have tonight told DH that unless this improves after holiday next month she will not be invited again- AIBU

I’m a non step parent here but I’ve kids and am divorced. My kids don’t see or text their dad much these days (12&15) as he doesn’t really see them that often. Not my fault or the kids fault. His fault. He works a lot on weekends and lives out of town and the kids have lots of activities in the week. He also has another child and is separated from their parent. He seems to see the other child more often though. Not sure why or if it’s because she does less activities and it’s only her and maybe her mother pushes it a bit more as she’s younger. He could t manage picking her up from school and also mine as they live in completely different towns.

Currently though I do make sure that on a weekend he does want to have them over that they go. It’s non negotiable. It I know there’s no back chat and poor behaviour either as they just aren’t that type of kids. They are argue with each other though. When he took them abroad last time (the only time he has taken them) I actually went half on new clothes for them and made sure that some came back to my house. We do have issues with clothes though as he never sees them that often I won’t let decent clothes go to his as they get left to wash and aren’t seen for months. He rarely buys clothes but his parents sometimes do and they like a label (not Canada goose though). So he will try and keep the clothes like that at his. He kicked off as eldest needed new trainers and they’d bought her some decent Nike ones more expensive that I’d pay. I’d asked him if we could have them here and he refused til I pointed out that she would grow out of them and they’d still be new if they stayed at his.

I’d be curbing the OPs step child’s shopping list though. By all means buy new clothes for the holiday but give her a spend limit. If she doesn’t come to yours that often then I’d let it go about the clothes going home with her but I’d also be having a word with the mother about her coming more often and joining in with family life.

I don't think any sane person would say a £1000 winter coat was reasonable for a summer holiday but hey, maybe you rock that way

She's 15. Give her cash and tell her to sort herself out like a big girl. If she spanks the lot on a coat that's her problem.

Everyone who is excusing her behaviour because she's 15 sounds ridiculous. Crying "she's a child" is clutching at semantical straws - 15 is yes, legally a child but she's not a little girl, she's a few years away from adult so let's not pretend the poor little darling doesn't know any better.

I agree that teenagers in general have it tough sometimes, navigating lots of change in all aspects of their lives and that it's likely poor parenting and lack of boundaries that's contributed to her entitlement and spoilt behaviour - but it's not 'normal' and shouldn't be just waved away because she's 15 or the child of separated parents. She is accountable for her own behaviour.

I would still invite her on the holiday and set a firm budget. If she wants to come then great, but she is treated no differently to the other children. If she says she doesn't want to go then I wouldn't be begging her - her dad could maybe use some of the money to offer to take her to dinner, days out etc and she can make the choice then.

Sounds like this girl needs some decent boundaries. Mum doesn't get her to school or bed on time and her dad doesn't challenge her behaviour. And then she comes to your house to see a (presumably) happy, stable family with rules. I'm not surprised she hates it. I think not inviting her next time is a bad idea. Dad should only buy her clothes she needs and are within budget (that boundary thing she obviously needs) and i would leave door open for her to your home and holiday and not sweat the refusal to spend time with you. Let her dad figure out how to handle her behaviour but I do think, once past her teens, she will come around. But not if you close the door on her.

You sound like a disgruntled Granny. Yes 15 year olds are hard work. But you have to put the time in. That’s DS and whatever disgruntled Granny’s are called on Mumsnet. 🤷‍♀️. But I do appreciate that she might be a complete PIA.

I completely get this, as we went through a similar issue with DSD at same age. Her last holiday with us was when she was 15 after ruining a summer holiday abroad with same behaviour you outline plus staying in bed to lunchtime, not getting ready for dinner, not wanting to join in etc Decision was made by my DH, he felt we both worked FT in demanding jobs and there was her younger brother and our DC and he felt she was ruining it for everyone, was the right decision for everyone.

It’s nearly twenty years now, we take her on holiday now with her kids, it’s never mentioned.

Is your dsd in year 10 or 11? If the budget is there, your dh could consider linking the Canada goose to going to school or college. There are 195 school days a year. X amount put into a savings account for her for each day she goes in. Your dh has Parental Responsibility and she’s under 18 so he should be able to have this verified. If it’s too hard for her to do it at her mum’s, can she stay with you? I know it would be hell in the beginning. And yes, I understand it is bribery. But this girl is way out of control and needs to be brought back in so maybe a glorified sticker chart could work.

No one has bought the coat FFS. 15yr old girls ask for ridiculous things. My teen girls have the most absurdly expensive things on their Xmas lists. They don't get them or even really expect to..

Honestly OP I think your DH and his ex need to have a realignment on what the rules are with her and consequences.

This op. I don't think Yabu. She sounds like a nightmare and a brat. I would expect dh to have a very clear and firm chat with her about her behaviour and what's to be expected and telling her how she spoils things for everyone else. If she doesn't even want to have a conversation about it then she will definitely ruin the holiday.

Funny how so many 15yo are also not horrific nightmares but it's always justified on here.

Really he's meant to drag a 15yo to school.
I find it hypocritical that people are saying being an absolute brat like she is now is ok and he can't force her to visit, but expecting him to force a 15yo to school and put in some boundaries while at her mother's house is a failure on his part.

I think you’re concentrating on the coat as almost a symbol of what a knobhead she’s being. If you wouldn’t buy one for any of your other children then obviously she doesn’t get one either. But teenagers try their luck. Was there really nothing you ever wanted as a teen that your parents refused to buy for you? So you respond the same way, laugh and say absolutely not.

You have absolutely no right to tell your DH that she’s not welcome on the next family holiday though. No more than he would have a right to tell you that one of your sons isn’t welcome if he starts being a knobhead. She’s pushing boundaries and probably has some issues seeing your family unit, with her dad, while her own home life sounds chaotic.

Holiday separately if you must, but wouldn’t it easier to just rise above it? If she doesn’t want to sit with you at the pool, is it really a problem if she sits 10 seats away? If she swears at her dad, let him discipline her. She’s not swearing at you. Just remove yourself, your boys and your DSS from the situation and let him sort it out. She’ll probably start responding a bit better if she isn’t sensing so much resentment emanating from you.

I think this is one for your DH to resolve really- I think I might suggest that it might be a good idea to still let her come on holiday but buy minimal clothes etc- maybe 1 or 2 items she asks for. My kids never get new clothes unless they’ve grown out of the stuff they need and even they they aren’t designer. Then you can see whether it’s the holiday or the stuff she’s after! As to the other contact, I think that’s reasonably normal for 15 yr olds, sorry.

I’d also not be putting up with the worst rudeness but TBH I’d pick my battles- again it’s between your DH and her so unless it’s affecting the other kids I’d let them deal with it.

Overall though I think I’d be trying my best to keep her on the holiday itself as it sounds like it’s perhaps the only quality time she and your DH get. Chances are she will look back fondly on the holiday in future when she’s a bit older.

This isn’t a 15 year old SD problem, this is a DH problem. My SS12 can be a little on the selfish side now he’s coming into his teens, his mother has confirmed the same, but we all know he is the same sweet child under it all, he’s just going through a developmental stage. What is important during this time is a huge amount of boundaries!

DH should be saying that her budget for clothes is xxx (whatever it is for the others)…. Then she gets to pick and choose and exercise her independence within a budget (which is also a good lesson for her to learn).

If not sociable to you holiday, that’s fine, continue to enjoy yourselves, it doesn’t hinge on her being a part of things, but, if she sees the rest of you doing so I suggest FOMO will be a thing! If it’s not, hey ho, you did the right thing and still enjoyed your holiday too at the end of it and you haven’t come off as the asshole or deprived her of the opportunity and if she wants to sabotage her own holiday then that’s on her 🤷🏻‍♀️.

She isn't argumentative with you cos she doesn't feel comfortable around you. You dont sound like you've assumed any close relationship with her. Also. Wait till "your" children, as you put it, are that age then see how teens behave. Saying you wouldn't tolerate is easy theoretically. You married this man and his kid needs to be with him, meaning holidays as well. Do what teen parents do, set budgets, say no to things, but don't exclude her, she has every right to be i your house and on your holiday, she's a member of your family. If you don't like that you shouldn't have married.

Agree a reasonable clothing allowance and then deduct what her Mum should be giving her

Or Dad can just take his ex out of his relationship with his daughter and give her a clothing allowance.

"She isn't argumentative with you cos she doesn't feel comfortable around you. You dont sound like you've assumed any close relationship with her. Also. Wait till "your" children, as you put it, are that age then see how teens behave. Saying you wouldn't tolerate is easy theoretically. You married this man and his kid needs to be with him, meaning holidays as well. Do what teen parents do, set budgets, say no to things, but don't exclude her, she has every right to be i your house and on your holiday, she's a member of your family. If you don't like that you shouldn't have married."

But she's not HER child! Why pretend op should feel the same way? When her own child reaches that age, she'll be able to discipline.. with sd not only can she not, her dh doesn't either!!

Op 15 is a really hard age, dh went on many holidays when our combined dcs were that age and they were no holidays.

Unfortunately my sd started out the same, is now an adult and her relationship with dh is pay-per-view.

*dh and I went on many holidays

True, but Mum might prefer to be kept int he loop. Communication and joint parenting decisions is preferable when possible.

Is deducting money the only way to communicate?

Op why do you keep saying that you never see the clothes again... I would say as the clothes belong to your dsd then of course you never see them again. And as the girls father he should be buying her clothes! If he was with the girls mum and they all lived together he would buy her clothes and she might still give him attitude. Maybe she has issues with him ... she's not rude to you and you don't even seem to appreciate this. You are unreasonable and you also sound jealous of her. P.s most teens want designer clothes!

I don't understand why you would expect to see the clothes again.

Yes this !! My girls are asking to go away to the Maldives if they do well in gcses this year... don't worry the response was alot of side eye from me 😂