Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

Whilst it must be very difficult for both you and your husband, I lost sympathy for him at this bit “when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.”

I would always choose my son.

Choose your son

I'm sorry but this looks like the end of your marriage of course you must prioritise your fragile son.
I'm sorry you are going through this

"Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son."

This should not be a difficult choice. Stand by your son who is severely ill, or support the twat who shows no humanity and no compassion for your severely ill son.

How old is your son?

Your DH is behaving appallingly - but as you support your son you must be clear that the drug use stops now. He is not going to recover if he carries on smoking weed.

Early 20s

Thing is, no matter how little he feels for your son, he should want to support you.

He has been clean since he was in hospital.

Your son always.
Your have given reasons why your DH might be pissed off with your son but he is behaving appallingly towards you.
Locking bedroom doors and the silent treatment just so pathetic.

I would think you should choose your child, but your child is doing drugs, stealing from you and becoming aggressive towards you - I can understand your husband's upset at the situation, especially if it's getting worse and your son wouldn't seek help.

His comments about manning up are totally unhelpful, but I wouldn't want to live with a man in his 20s who is aggressive to his mum / doing drugs / stealing, regardless of if it's mental health related or not. Perhaps your husband sees what your son is putting you through and just doesn't want to continue with that.

It's up to you who you choose.

Your son won't recover if he still on drugs
Horrible situation for you. Notice I'm ignoring the dh situation....you need to get your son clean and get him support. He steeling from you so kinda under why your dh gone into protective mode for you. Your priority should be your son now. Talk to agencies...gp, mental health. .it's a long road and sadly very poor support if any... Your son has to want to help himself first which is hard to take. Hugs x

You sound like an amazing mother, choose your son , like its sounds you already have been doing.
My eldest went through something similar, I stuck by him, he came out of it, he is now at university ( a bit later than others as early 20s) however he really appreciates that I choose him and mentions its alot and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Your son sounds very fragile atm and needs as much love and support as possible, I found my ex was almost jealous about the fact I was giving my energy to my son and not him , also my ex was resentful as his parents had been really unsupportive towards him... ironic really.

@strugglingflower
Great to hear that your son has been clean since leaving hospital. Weed demotivates people and there is always the risk of psychosis.
Hopefully now your son will continue to recover mentally and find another job. He will need support from his Mum. I'm really sorry but your husband should see this and be supporting you.

He has always asked you to choose between them? Did this start before he was an adult? If so I'm sure your husband has probably contributed heavily to your sons MH issues.
Get him out and focus on your son.

My son is clean of all drugs, and has had regular drug tests, as I want to be 100% sure.

I’m with your husband. Your son is a disgrace. MH aren’t an excuse, plenty of people with poor MH do not steal or abuse their mothers.

The behaviours mentioned above were in the lead up to the Psychosis, you do know what Psychosis is.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this with your son. Coping with your child in this state is difficult enough without extra pressure from someone who should be your rock. But it sounds as though your DH is struggling too. It's probably better for everyone if you remove him from the situation and focus on both your son and yourself.

This is so easy to think but until you are going through something like this, believe me you have no idea.

I think both your son and your husband are at fault. Your son has brought a lot of this on himself by smoking weed in the first place. I wouldn’t give up on my marriage if I loved my husband because my adult son was a drug user. You can fight for both!

I'm not sure you know what psychosis is OP. It doesn't cause theft and abuse.

Horrible situation and I empathise as I ended my relationship with father of DS2 and DD due to how he was with DS1 (not his son). It was no way to live, when he had gone it was a different household. My ex knew I would chose DS1 over him easy and I think that’s why he started it all up. Your husband is being horrible to your son, he has no sympathy for the fact he is mentally ill and I think I’d slap him myself if he told him to man up in my presence. Wishing you strength

I am going to have to disagree with you on this, it alters your normal thinking, my son thought that special messages were being sent to him through music, that people were stealing his DNA, and there were snippers outside our house trying to kill me.

If your son is in this state you have bigger worries than a DH you need to ask to leave. I hope your son gets well.