Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

The whole point is that her dh has said she can’t

He has given her an ultimatum. Either she fights for her ds or her dh. He won’t allow her to do both

Words fail me.

You choose your son as you so rightly say. You will find the strength. You will get through this. Use the wisdom and power of the women of MN and any therapy you can get your hands on to move on from this marriage.

My son started to display signs of illness 10 months before his psychosis, he was down and depressed and it snowballed. I tried everything including taking him to the doctor but he was good at not telling the truth, finally after the death of a family member and not passing the prohibition of a dream job, he started smoking weed constantly and within 5 days he was in psychosis.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and it is our house although I own 80% of the house and there is an agreement in place stating this, my husband was a great step dad before but feels that this is his fault as he smoked weed and he should just return to normal.

If my son was to start smoking weed again them I would remove him from the house and make him homeless. As I do not want that in the house and he would be putting weed above me and himself.

Your son has an illness and your hubby acts like that. Your story is exactly what happened one of my brothers I'm so glad both our parents even tho not understanding at the time of the illness coming out were supportive,kind and caring. I would hate to imagine what could happen should son have a very very bad day and your hubby pushes him with his behaviour. Mental health stings but even worse so do people who try to pretend it doesn't exist. Your doing a great job in support

The absolute cheek of your husband locking you out of your bedroom.
If he doesn't like it, I'd tell him that he and his 20% can move along. (You have another man experiencing grandiose ideas in your home.)

he started smoking weed constantly and within 5 days he was in psychosis.

@strugglingflower so he had a psychotic episode after excessive usage of pot?

Having had (well still have) a brother that had episodes of psychosis in his 20s (brought on by smoking weed) who is now early 40s and is a paranoid schizophrenic living in sheltered accommodation you have a lot to think about here.

Your husband is behaving appallingly as he should be supporting you BUT by helping your son like you are you are enabling this behaviour and speaking from experience it is a cycle that will never end!

You will lose your husband over this I fear, as I said his behaviour towards you is appalling but you will also lose your son - there isn’t enough MH support in the U.K.

I am speaking through experience

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this OP- how extremely difficult.

Ultimately- OF COURSE- you choose your son. Your DH has clearly had enough and I can totally understand that- it’s a very hard situation but I’m afraid an ultimatum for me would always mean choosing my child.

While it’s extremely difficult I do feel your DH should show a little compassion because:

1. Your son is UNWELL- psychosis is an acute symptom of mental illness. So it’s not just like he’s messing about here or being a little shit- he’s very unwell.
2. DH is married to you & loves you so he should try and understand & support you here however hard. He should think of you in all this.

Yes there’s a point DH has to look after himself too and clearly he can’t take anymore but his attitude of your son should “man up” rather than seeing him as he is- unwell at the moment- is misaligned with you and reality and lacks compassion. To the point he’d rather end his marriage. He should never ever put you in the position of- choose me or your child.

I think OP I would give it a final shot sit DH down & ask if he can stretch his understanding & compassion towards you and your son at this difficult time. But I think you should make sure you show that you appreciate DHs feelings too and how hard it’s been for him too. Is he feeling unheard in all this? Could you work something out for save your marriage?
More importantly what can you do to address this situation with your son? What other support can you call in professionally and family? Your son needs professional help but I see you’ve tried a lot if things. Would he see a drug counsellor for example once not in psychosis? You’re obviously a good mum. Best of luck with it all.

This 100%.

Also, I have a friend whose son suffered psychotic episodes and who was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He’s stable now and working again, but her suffering has been immense and I know that she felt lucky to escape with her life on more than one occasion. Getting him the right help was a nightmare.

You’re an amazing Mum, hang on in there and good luck.

I also have a 40year old schizophrenic brother because of cannabis psychosis in his late teens. He hasn’t touched cannabis since but too late damage was done. He still lives with my mum. My dad died 12 years ago so it’s just her and him and he honestly has ruined her life. He has never been abusive or stolen. I think you need to think carefully about what your own boundaries are towards your husband and son. Rethink mental illness offer excellent support around psychosis.

He has no Psychosis thoughts now, is engaging with all medical professional he is ashamed and depressed now, he lost friends because of his behaviour.

My son started to display signs of illness 10 months before his psychosis, he was down and depressed and it snowballed. I tried everything including taking him to the doctor but he was good at not telling the truth, finally after the death of a family member and not passing the prohibition of a dream job, he started smoking weed constantly and within 5 days he was in psychosis.

So, this is the actual issue; your son has a long history of not being able to cope during difficult periods, used drugs to try and make himself feel better, abused you, stole, had a mental breakdown, lost his friends and is now unable to cope again.

I know someone like your son - they had a psychotic break at university - and although I've stayed in touch, they are exhausting. Everything is always against them. Nothing ever goes their way. Enter drugs/depressive thoughts. Spiral again. Lose friends - more spiralling. Gets clean. Something else goes wrong. Back to drugs/depressive thoughts.

It's great you want to support your son, but this is never going to improve. This will be your life for the next 30-40 years and I can see why your husband can't cope.

I'm sorry, OP. But I don't think you'll get any help from this thread as it's not a black/white yes/no matter. Yet, lots of people have experience with psychosis/serious MH illnesses - and none of us have ever stolen or abused our mothers. And you seem to be unable to accept that.

I grew up in a house where my mums husband was a twat to me. She never picked me over him. My mum did end up leaving him after I moved out. I love my mum to bits but putting me through all the growing up has really damaged me. For your sons sake leave your husband and concentrate on your son

Your son's MH could have been declining and the drugs and other behaviour could have been the sign of that / a coping mechanism. It doesn't excuse the behaviour of course but does explain it to a certain degree. How is your son doing now apart from the job issue? If your son is engaging with the professionals for treatment and trying to get better I would have a chat with your husband and explain all of this to him.
Locking the bedroom door though is inexcusable.
Best of luck OP for you and your son.

I think you know the answer OP and I'm glad you're standing by your son, but sorry both of you are going through this. I'm not saying parents have to martyr themselves their entire life if their grown up children have problems that they don't properly seek help for well into adulthood, but....I think there's a degree of your parents are the people who are 'supposed' to love you unconditionally even if you fuck up, and for anyone who's ever messed up (everyone) knowing you have the unconditional love and support of a parent can make so much different to your future life chances (and obviously sadly so many people are not that fortunate to have that).

Your son is still a very young adult and fragile so yes, having the unconditional love and support of his DM will make so so much difference to his recovery. If your 'D'H was really a supportive partner he would be supporting you AND supporting your DS in his recovery, not getting mad at both of you which just piles on shit when you're already coping with a difficult family situation.

Actually you’re wrong. Psychosis causes a number of issues and can and often does cause reckless behaviour.

This sounds like my brother in law. He developed psychosis after smoking work long term. He was told by doctors, the weed triggered it. I would encourage him to get a job where he lives on sites e.g. butlins/haven he'll make friends and have people around him, it will be easier for him to get to work etc. He is a man now and needs help finding a suitable job. Once he's settled he'll meet someone and move on with his life. Staying at yours unemployed isn't helping him at all.

Your son has had an admission to hospital for psychosis, he shouldn't be looking and going to work while he's recovering. An episode of psychosis is life changing, and it's early days for him!

He needs to put in a claim for Universal Credit/Contributions based ESA and PIP. Hr needs to get to a healthy state. He should look at whether there is an early intervention psychosis team locally. And start some voluntary work if he feels able to.

Your husband sounds like a dick, even though your son has been hard work, he still needs and deserves love and compassion. And to take the medication for as long as he's told to.

Get your husband to listen to some of the excellent mental health podcasts on BBC Sounds. Especially the ones with people explaining their experience of psychosis. It's such a horrific thing to go through.

And also have a listen to Eleanor Langdon on TED. He may have been heading for a psychotic break before he was smoking weed and that contributed.

Choose your son. Please.

as someone who suffers with mental health, having those who are meant to love you not advocate for you is so debilitating. I really hope your son can get the help
he needs x

Wishing you strength @strugglingflower . What a horrible time you are going through. I'm sorry that your husband is not supporting you. 💐

You are making the right decision to help your son. Is your son's dad around? Can he offer some support?

I am going to sound like a voice of doom and gloom but I think you are going to face awful choices here over the next few years.

I think your son is going to make his choices and he may never recover from this if he makes the wrong choices. I doubt that, at that point, you'll walk away from him and your life will be dreadful. I don't blame your husband for wanting him out of the house now but he isn't his parent and doesn't sound very emotionally intelligent from what you've written. I don't think I'd want to live with your husband either.

Hi OP, yes the thc in weed both causes and increases psychosis. As does nicotine actually, very much and should also always be avoided.
I'm sorry for your situation and the "Crisis what crisis?" team.
Although the situation must be stressful for your husband too he's behaving like a child and if he's not a support system to you in any way he's just another massive painful stress you have to deal with.
I think it's time to ease yourself of that massive stress.
This is a brilliant organization for both yourself and your son. 💖

Your husband thinks that mental health conditions can be overcome by manning up. What would happen if you were to become sick in the future. Would he care for you? Would there be any compassion?

Oh my I cannot believe what I am reading here, FFS where is your empathy?! Why are you telling the OP what she needs to do? You do not know this person or her family so stop with your nasty, ill informed judgmental bullshit.

OP - I am remarried and have two DC one late teens and the other early twenties. In your situation there is no fucking way I would put up with this shit from my H. He should be willing to support and love you through an incredible tough time. His attitude is a disgrace and I could never look at him the same again. You sound like a lovely Mum

sorry this is weird but, our usernames are so similar?