Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

The stress and the heartbreak in this situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers, all three of you.

Especially you Op. I really, really hope things continue to improve for your son, to allow him an independent life and for you to live yours.

There is such naivety and ignorance surrounding both weed and mental health. Such a disparity in people dismissing it as next to nothing or completely willfully blind as to its prevalence, coupled with utter ignorance and lack of awareness to its impact on developing brains.

There is stress and self preservation at play in your DH's reaction. I hope he calms down enough to educate himself and support you, but without doubt it is a very tough situation and every individual will have their own limit to protect their own mental health.

You have my utmost sympathy.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having to go through this OP. Psychosis is a terrible and terrifying thing to watch someone you care about going through.

Your son’s behaviour when in the grip of psychosis is as outside his (& your) control as if he was having an epileptic fit or a stroke. People can be very cruel towards those with severe mental health issues, through a lack of understanding as to the impact of the illness - it’s very hard when you know how vulnerable your son is, that others (including his father) blame him for his strange behaviour during his psychotic episode. Imagine if his illness was eg brain cancer causing him to behave appallingly - would people on here be recommending you abandon him because his father can’t cope?

You are doing absolutely the right thing standing by your fragile boy and the medical treatment and emotional support he gets now is likely to impact his long term recovery. The last thing he needs is his father rejecting him because of his illness (& certainly not you too).

Please take care of yourself through this too though. Sadly as is often the case, the person who is reacting most sensibly in a crisis gets to carry the brunt of it & you’re now having to manage your husband’s unhelpful behaviour too. It may help your husband cope more effectively if he (or you both together) can have counselling so you have some support through this. Try contacting MIND’s &/or Rethink’s helplines as they may be able to provide advice/ info as to where you can get support.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
https://www.rethink.org/
I imagine your husband is reacting in anger because of how frightening this all is but given the chance I wonder if he may actually want to do the right thing and support his son.

Best of luck OP, my heart goes out to you & your son. Keep sticking up for him.

I don't think your husband is the abusive monster he is being made out to be by some posters. He sounds angry and frustrated with this situation which I think is understandable. He isn't going about expressing himself the right way but nobody behaves perfectly under stress and it sounds like this has been building up for a long time. I do not think you should end your marriage. He hasn't ended it (yet) so he obviously still wants to make it work on some level. You need to talk to him in a calm, detached way and listen to his concerns as being valid as well. Have you two tried couples therapy?

As for your son, I don't have any experience of this but I think there is a middle ground? Yes you will always be there to support him but he has to meet you half way and not working and staying in bed all day cannot go in forever for his sake as well as for yours and your husbands or your marriage will credibly end and you may be stuck with him relying on you to take care of him for another 10 or 20 years! I have heard of this happening before. There is a fine line between supporting and enabling... I'm not speculating that you are enabling him but that line does exist and I think you should be aware of it as often mothers love their children so much it's difficult for us to see the difference. Either way it sounds like a tough situation so good luck with it and please try to make things work with your husband. From what I've seen these few weeks of reading mumnet - divorce is no fun.

Sorry, just seen your son isn’t your husband’s child - it should read stepson/ stepfather.

Are you absolutely sure he is clean? Why is he vomiting... do you know people can have cyclical vomiting with cannabis use. I would try and verify this before you are sure. Addicts unfortunately lie. I've been there before, not with weed but alcohol. (Not me, someone in my life)

As for you op, as sad as it is, your husband has a right to choose himself and I am totally behind you choosing your son. Your boy sounds like he needs help.

Nicole Kidman did not abandon her adopted children. They cut her out of their lives because she's not a scientologist and they are (hence why they're still in contact with Tom Cruise). This is well known.

Is this the only thing that’s coming between you and your husband? Has he been a good husband and father figure up until now?

I fully understand those saying support your son and ditch your husband, but if this scenario is all that has come between you, I wonder whether it might be better to try to negotiate some time apart from your husband, while you try to sort your son out. If he’s a decent man, he might understand that you need to give your son more space and time than he feels able to, and give you the space to do so, while protecting himself.

I am 100% sure that he is clean, I made him agree to have weekly drug tests, via a private doctor.

He vomits when he is anxious.

My eldest, 19, has MH issues. At one point DH and I considered divorcing so at least one of us could be ‘happy’. We talked about kicking them out. However, we both feel that our child needs help, that we need the support of the other, and that neither of us could live with the fall out if we kicked them out and one day had the knock of a policeman on the door. It’s tough, but your kids are your kids forever and somehow you have to be there for them. I hope you have the support of your GP (for both you and your son) and that the adult community mental health team are looking after your son too?

Do you think your son was smoking weed for a lot longer than you think? I'm struggling to see how he suddenly took up this habit and brazenly started doing it in the house straight away? Even just the logistics of finding a dealer, learning to roll the joints must have built up over some time. Weed is a very dangerous drug in terms of what it does to the brain, so I'm not surprised he has depression and psychosis but I really feel for you and hope you all get better soon.

Why didn't he pass his probation? I suspect there's far more of a pattern to his behaviour than just suddenly smoking a bunch of weed and putting himself into psychosis.

I'm sorry if my post came across as harsh last night, but I genuinely believe all the posters shouting 'mean husband' and 'be kind' and 'mental health' will contribute to you continuing to enable a situation that is likely to ruin your life.

Not necessarily. People suffering from schizophrenia or related conditions often use drugs to alleviate their undiagnosed symptoms rather then the symptoms being caused by the drug use.

I'm going to be honest, I'm a year post psychosis and still can't manage to work. The side effects from aripiprazole are brutal and the effect of psychosis on the brain I'd akin to brain damage. I think supporting your son to work might not be the right call at all. Have a look at PIP and if he would qualify. Psychosis is a brutal thing for the body to go through, your son needs support right now. Your DHs idea of tough love is absolutely the wrong call and likely to trigger another episode.

You are in a difficult position - keep on trying to get medical help etc. As son is an adult he also has to try for help too. I doubt your H was not expecting this drama when he married you and it has been going on for some time. Where is the father??

Someone mentioned ADHD upthread. It is trotted out too often on Mumsnet as soon as someone has behaviour that deviates in any small way from what society accepts as normal.

BUT - it can also be underlying condition that leads to anxiety, depression and various forms of self medication. So it's valid and important to at least consider it. Your DS would need to be over his acute event in order to undergo assessment, so now is not the time, but it's perhaps something to bear in mind for the future.

FWIW ADHD would have been present in childhood. Looking back, were there any signs? A bright child who didn't meet their potential at secondary, a fidget or a dreamer? Are there people in the wider family who could have ADHD? If any of this resonates, you could perhaps mention it to the professionals involved.

I'd focus on trying to deescalate the situation with your DH. I'd also book in a couples counsellor now. You need ground rules. He can't be locking you out - that's just outrageous. If he can't agree to basic ways of interacts and thinks he's going to bully his way through you then you may need to separate but I wouldn't do it right now as you've got enough to deal with currently. Chucking a man out is often trotting out as some easy solution and it's not remotely easy and it takes huge emotional resources that you currently don't have. You need help. I'd focus on finding that help.

A really good, non judgemental and compassionate post @DrFroggy .

I agree with you, Op does sound like sn sizing mum.

The suggestion of volunteer work is a very good one.

Op does sound like an amazing mum . Sorry missed the edit time.

DH probably imagined that after a few years your son would grow up and leave home, and then it would be just the two of you.

The double standards on MN are amazing. If OP was a step-mother telling her step-daughter she should just suck up her mental issues and woman up and telling her husband to choose between her or her step-daughter, you'd be telling her she is a terrible person who knew her husband had a child when she married him.

And yet because he's a step-father, you dismiss his abusive behaviour to OP and blame it on the step-child.

He has just been diagnosed with ADHD, we are also waiting on a ASC diagnosis for him.

There is lots of family history of ADHD, but he did not present as typical ADHD.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you're having to deal with all of this on your own. It's times like this that your husband should be supporting you, but instead he's making everything harder, it sounds exhausting

And some do...all depends what started it all.

He did not pass his probation as he was unwell, and depressed.

My son was an A grade student, went to a Russell group uni, never in any trouble, played sport at county level and was invited to try out for England and UK for his chosen sport, he probably had the odd joint at Uni.

@Peppermintytea I am interested to know what you would do if your child was like my son, and please do not say it wont to yours as he had a privileged upbringing.

My son, and I’ll be damned if I’ll be locked out of a room in my own home either!

Then your husband's behaviour is absolutely vile.

I know you don't need more stress right now but I think he's making it worse

If he can't support you he needs to go