Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

I would choose my son.

Please look after your son, he is obviously hurting and needs you desperately.

Your husband is behaving like a spoilt bastard because he cannot cope and clearly does not want the hassle.

In your scenario OP, I’d support your ds. He is the more fragile person in your life. Your dh needs to ‘man up’ and support your choices.

DH shouldn’t have thrown a tantrum and locked the bedroom door.

But as PP have said he’s in a very difficult situation. You haven’t said when you got together but I’m guessing it was a while ago and your son was probably a child. If so, DH probably imagined that after a few years your son would grow up and leave home, and then it would be just the two of you. Instead, he finds himself living with a very troubled young man, with severe depression, unable to hold down a job, recently addicted to drugs, who absorbs a huge amount of his wife’s time and energy. It sounds like there’s little prospect of your son moving out soon, so from DH’s perspective this might be starting to seem like a life sentence. It’s almost certainly not what he thought he was signing up for when you got married. In the circumstances, I’m not surprised he’s upset.

I’m sure you can save this OP. But it’s going to require some difficult conversations, and firm boundaries with your son. If he’s going to live at home, he’s got to treat you both with respect - no shouting, no violence. He’s got to contribute to household chores, and generally be clean and tidy. He’s got to work at holding down a job, even a part time one. Agree those boundaries with your DH. It’s presumably his house too.

You yourself need to ensure you’re not giving your whole self to your son all of the time. You need to leave something for your DH, and also some energy for yourself too. When did you last go on a date with DH, or a weekend away just the two of you. Don’t say you can’t because of DS. Make it a priority. Make yourself a priority as well, and give yourself rest and time with friends, so you can be calm and unstressed when things get tricky.

Good luck

He has no Psychosis thoughts now, is engaging with all medical professional he is ashamed and depressed now, he lost friends because of his behaviour.

I now am supporting him, trying to hold down a full time job, the death of my own Mum, and dealing with a husband who can not support me with my son, I thought he was my rock, but clearly he is not. I am sitting in the lounge and can not even get into my bathroom to clean my teeth as I am now on the sofa in the lounge.

We have been away on weekend and are due to go on holiday, I make time for my husband, we still go on dates, there is just this one issue.

Tell him to pack his stuff while he’s in there.

What kind of person can’t find a shred of sympathy for a lad who’s just been in patient in a psych hospital. That’s not old school, he’s uncaring, unfeeling, heartless and cruel.

Also, he’s asked you to choose between them. This was your red flag that this man is bad for your son and it was selfish to ignore it.

Are you DH?

Your boy always 💙

Fuck your husband to be totally honest. Any man who would ask me to pick between my son or them is a massive cock.

@strugglingflower
Let your husband have his night alone. Tomorrow is another day.
I'd leave him be tonight but tell him you want to discuss this over the weekend.

Your son has done well to stop taking drugs and as his mental health improves can apply for another job and reconnect with old friends.

Your husband has to understand that as his mother you cannot just abandon him.
Obviously his choices and behaviour have not been great but he is now engaging with medical professionals and is feeling ashamed of himself. He is displaying awareness of his actions.

Your son needs you on his side OP and I know you are. Keep believing in him and he will start to believe in himself.

I'm really sorry, it would be my son every time.

Your son would benefit hugely from going to college or if he can’t manage that then a little part time job would be a great confidence booster.

Most friends wouldn’t bail on you for having psychosis though so are you sure you know why they have all ditched him?

I don’t think you can let your son walk the streets - but if you and your do put a united front on in the beginning he may well have not slipped as far as he has.

It is confusing living with two parents with totally different approaches-

Is he taking any SSRIs?

Why can’t he go to work? Is he lying in? Staying up late on the play station? Why was he recently sacked? Can you call his boss and explain?

It depends how old your son is I knew a family like this but the son was almost 40 never held down a job had a baby the woman left him had another baby with someone else who also left him he had no respect for anyone and would come home and speak to his mother like dirt he’d never been held responsible in his life and if your son is grown man then he needs some tough love and you can’t start babying him don’t take this the wrong way I know you love him but he needs to know that actions have consequences and learn the hard way not be his get out of jail free card in life or he will never learn

Why is your son vomiting? Is it toxicity to the tablets? Is he on Lithium

If your husband is asking you to choose between him and your own son (who is clearly severely unwell after what sounds like a serious psychotic breakdown - it’s pretty clear the weed was an attempt to self-medicate, isn’t it?) and locking you out of rooms in your own home, then your husband is an abusive prick. No decent husband behaves like that.

Her son literally had a full-on psychotic breakdown. You don’t just recover from that overnight. He may never recover fully. You can’t fix that level of illness with ‘tough love’ ffs.

The ignorance on this thread is truly incredible.

My son is on Aripiprazole.

Thank you, people have such little understanding.

I do believe he was self medicating with weed, he said that the weed made his brain going through everything, which then made him more unwell.

I understand that my husband behaviour is abhorrent, but I am unsure if I can deal with another stressful situation.

Thank you for your understanding

For heaven’s sake. Her son had psychosis and was in mental health crisis.

Your husband has behaved quite badly asking you to choose between him and your son and locking you out . Who does he think he is?!

Is your sons father in the picture at all - is he able to support you both too?

The thing is I know myself and I couldn’t put up with an adult behaving like this around me in my home which is my sanctuary, unless it was my own child. But that is exactly why I’d never get with a man who has a child. People sometimes express surprise I don’t even dare men with adult children but this is why. It wouldn’t be fair on either of us. I couldn’t and wouldn’t expect him to prioritise me but I would be utterly miserable too.

Your husband was aware of your son when he got with you so he needs to suck it up.

It’s like my childfree friend married a slightly older guy when she was in her early 40s and relocated to the States. His 12 year old child was at that point living full time with his mum in another state and everything was nice and calm.

Various issues lead to the son later moving in with them and the mother is a bit of a pain, but as my friend said it’s what she signed up for.

There was always the possibility of things changing for the worse if someone has a child . If you’re not prepared to deal with that find someone else.

I'm going to add stand up for yourself too. No decent man locks their wife out of her own bedroom.

I'm sorry OP you must be devastated, but deep down, I think you have made your decision.

Clearly you no idea at all about a mental health crisis and significant depression. It’s not as simple as getting a little part time job. It really isn’t. It can take a long time to recover from a psychotic episode and admission to hospital and then to get back on your feet.

Your husband's behaviour is making a bad situation worse. If he can't support you then he needs to go. I'm so sorry he's decided to turn into an arsehole when you need him most. Have you got any other family around you to help support you and your son?

I am going to have to disagree with you on this, it alters your normal thinking, my son thought that special messages were being sent to him through music, that people were stealing his DNA, and there were snippers outside our house trying to kill me.

If a friend was saying stuff like the above to you in your early 20s you might have taken a step back too. Especially if it was accompanied by any aggressive behaviour.

When I was 21, I witnessed a male friend suffer psychosis in his house and without going into detail I thought it was going to end with me being raped or killed or both . It was one of the most terrifying ordeals I’ve ever experienced.

As much as I have sympathy for people with mental health issues when your friend has lost touch with reality in that way, it can be very hard to deal with, and frightening so it’s actually not as simple as friends “bailing” on him.