Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

My son was not aggressive to his friends, he was having grandiose thoughts and thought that he was better than others, his friends thought that it was because of the weed, and did not want to be around him, which is completely understandable.

My heart goes out to you, it’s an awful situation to be in. Call MIND or Rethink Menntal Illness and speak to someone about your situation, maybe there is a local support group. When someone has MH issues they are the only people who can help themselves. If he is still using or refusing treatment there is nothing you can do and quitting your marriage won’t help you or him. Don’t make any decisions about your marriage during a crisis.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that.

I am so sorry OP, how heartbreaking for you this all is.

In your shoes I would choose my son. If anyone ever asks me to choose between them and him, it will be ds every time. I cannot imagine choosing someone else and leaving ds to sink or swim, and being able to live with that decision.

I would also have a problem with my dh's intensely limited concept of masculinity and the fact that his views about it are verging on toxic.

It's clear that your son has some serious mental health issues.

Your husband being mean and aggressive is not helping anything at all

I would put my son first in this case and just support him and make sure he keeps up with his counseling and any medication he is supposed to be taking.

It is not uncommon if he is say is diagnosed with schizophrenia that the person will feel better, and then they stop their medication because they feel better, and then they have a relapse.

Your son will need to be in a peaceful environment and with your husband being aggressive and mean that is not a peaceful environment. Then he'll be able to start slowly and get a part-time job and rebuild a little at a time

If he’s locked you out of the bedroom and you can’t even brush your teeth then your DH is being abusive. No matter how upset he is you have done nothing wrong here. He is a buffoon.

is it your house? Can you force him to vacate the bedroom? Lock him out and see how he likes it

I wish your son well ,has he had an EIS referral? Prioritise your son and his recovery
Your partner is cruel and undermining to you and your son

Your son is a violent, thieving drug addict. His mental health problems almost certainly stem from his drug use and you probably don't know the half of what he's taking or what he's capable of. It sounds like you're enabling him by pussyfooting around him 'vomiting' and letting him lie in bed and let more jobs go down the drain. He will never get better while you treat him like this poor little golden boy victim. You think you're being kind but you're not. He NEEDS a shock. He needs to hit rock bottom and you're just never letting him get there, meaning you will be partly to blame for the shitty trajectory his life will continue to take. I know that sounds awfully harsh but I'm speaking from bitter experience with a family member.

Utterly ill informed ranty nonsense. Piers? Is that you

Sneering at someone because they don't agree with you and trying to shout down opinions that differ from your own is far more 'Piers' than anything I said.

As I said - I speak from experience. And sadly, this OP will put everything on the line for her son (including her marriage now) and it won't even help her son. In fact not having boundaries and expectations of him will just make things worse. Go ahead and sneer or disagree or whatever. I guarantee that this OP is on the path to misery if she keeps making excuses ('self medicating') for a drug user.

I would hope people could refrain from pejorative terms and harsh posts
Hes a young man who’s had a psychiatric admission following a psychotic episode . Psychosis is a significant mental illness it’s emotionally and physically draining for him,for mum. Psychosis impedes motivation, alters personality, drains confidence and motivation, It takes time,to recover. Please try extend some kindness and compassion to this young man and his mum

AIBU is probably not the best forum for this question. Can you get it moved to Relationships?

My answer to your question: your husband is abusing you, and you really don’t need that, especially when your son is so vulnerable. Yes, it’s the end of the marriage.

What utter nonsense!!!! How ignorant and ill informed!!!

Thank you! It was a long time ago but sometimes when I read crime stories I think how lucky I was to get out alive. I did feel so bad for my friend but it wasn’t safe for me to spend time with him again.

My son was not aggressive to his friends, he was having grandiose thoughts and thought that he was better than others, his friends thought that it was because of the weed, and did not want to be around him, which is completely understandable.

And thanks for clarifying this about your son but being understanding of his friends response.

I'm so angry for you that your husband has failed you so badly. He's a selfish, heartless disgrace of a man. If my husband asked me to choose between him and my profoundly suffering child I would laugh in his face.

I hope you have other people supporting you who are worthy of you, because he is nowhere near.

Your post is a disgrace. You clearly have no understanding of psychosis or a mother's love for her children and the role they play in that child's life.

Life is nowhere near as simple, as you naively think.

@Peppermintytea "speaking from bitter experience" = projecting wildly, at the expense of someone who needs support and advice. Start your own bloody thread if you can't contain your unresolved issues.

Your son's mental health will probably improve when/if you ask your abusive husband to leave. He must be aware of his stepfather's distain for him. This would also leave you available for your son without feeling you're torn.
You should always choose your son, when going through a mental health crisis people behave in ways that (they feel) help them at the time. Drugs, out of character behaviours etc.
I really hope he gets better. He's young and hopefully this is just a blip. But having your partner around will certainly not be conducive to his recovery x

How old was your son when your husband first gave the ultimatum 'pick him or me'?

What age did your son start showing signs of his illness? Am I correct in understanding that before the psychosis episode it really did superficially look like he was a potentially violent thief drug addict who couldn't hold down a job?

How long have you been with oh?

Whose house do you live in?

I think my advice would vary a bit depending on your answers. Firstly your husband locking you out of the bedroom like this is inexcusable and borderline abusive. It may be he's been through a lot having his step son acting like this but even so that's nothing compared to what you are going through he should be supporting you. Possibly your marriage can be saved if he's been a good husband and step father previously and can face his recent behaviour is unacceptable. He would need to accept your son stays however because obviously with the progress he's made quitting drugs and all he's been through you cannot abandon him!! He needs his mum. But I do think your support should not be unconditional if he goes back to drugs. Goes back as in more than a relapse, he can slip up and get immediately back on the wagon seeking more support to help him. Weed is terrible for your mental health and at his age can trigger schizophrenia not only psychosis. Of course it may be coincidence he's had psychosis and smoked weed. But you need a hard line with the weed. I quit weed when I fell pregnant and without that hard line of knowing you can't do drugs while having care of children I don't think I ever could have quit. If he knows you will always forgive him it will errode his drive to stay off it.

Haven’t rtft so apologies if others have said this, but your son’s psychotic episode was more than likely caused by smoking weed. It’s happened to my brother on several occasions. Hopefully if he’s off it the psychosis won’t recur, but he really needs to stay off it. To get better he needs to make the right decisions to help himself, please be aware that you cannot do this for him.

Weed can cause psychosis, it doesn’t medicate it.

I know that, but he was using it to medicate his depression that he was suffering from before the psychosis, just like some use drink.

You sound like a lovely mum . I hope things at home have calmed down a little for you .
Some of the comments on here are awful .

My son had a sudden change of personality, headaches etc and they diagnosed psychosis. It cleared up as quick as it came.

3 years later, again headaches and vomiting. This time they did a brain scan. It was in fact a massive benign brain tumour. Emergency operation in 2019 and he is right as rain.

Im not saying your son has, but I always implore people to check every possibility

Hi OP, I know what psychosis looks likes. My brother believed someone was trying to climb the walls to his apartment to kill him, and believed he was getting messages thru the tv from a then famous tv personality. In a lucid moment he called me crying that he needed help. By the time I got there he was well back into psychosis again. I was able to get him help.

My heart goes out to you. Please, Just know people have been in your position and have also struggled with helping their loved ones and keeping them going. You seem to have done extremely well in getting your son the help he needs. You sound like a great mum. The world is often not very understanding of these things and it becomes apparent very quickly how help is often so hard to find and organise.

I’m afraid it probably is over between your husband and yourself. No one should ever ask a parent to choose them over their child. Marriage is about good times and bad times and sometimes the bad times are very bad. it seems your husband is not willing to do his part. All your worries and fears for your son are very valid and you need support, and if your husband can’t do this for you now, he’s not that good of a man imo.

Do you have friends and family you can turn to support? You do need some emotional/practical help to in order to support your son. Can you arrange to see a therapist for yourself? Are there any groups you can join that help to support the families of the mentally ill?