Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

Your instinct is to support your son and I agree with this. But your DH can't be expected to tolerate this for any length if time. I couldn't. Maybe a time apart from your DH would be an idea. The stress could affect your DH's mental health too in the end.

This is a very difficult situation, you need to try and do your best for your son, but I'm going to go on a different tack here about what is most important and say that is your safety. It worries me that your son, who is an adult, has been aggressive towards you, has he ever been physical violent? You said he squared up to your husband... What would you do if he became violent?

I think it is very easy for people to judge here on both sides, but I know that on MN if it were your husband who was the potentially violent one with a history of psychotic illness people would be far more concerned about your safety than than advising you on which man to pick.

I don't think this is as black and white as leave him or choose that person.
You have a maternal urge to protect your son and to support him to be his best, your husband doesn't have that.
What your husband now sees is a young person lying around, not holding up a job and make life choices that are against his morals and affect the whole house.
I'm in no way saying your husband is right but maybe he needed some time out some time silently fume at a situation he has found himself and without all the parental
feelings that come with that.

i have been in a similar situation and i too needed time out. i didn't love this person and the behaviour drove me mad. that didn't mean i couldn't support my husband.

your son is a young adult who has made choices and although you want to support him remember you also have a life, maybe some boundaries can be set to allow you to support but also not give up everything. your son may never change and you may be on this circle for a long time.

Your husband must know that if he gives you an ultimatum it can only go one way, as you can't throw your vulnerable son to the wolves. Perhaps in the circumstances you are better off without him as he is only adding to your problems, not supporting you.

OP's son did not make a choice to become psychotic.

It doesn’t have to be like this for your son though OP. My brother also destroyed his MH with weed and it’s had lifelong effects for him. But when he started the dangers weren’t known. They are now.

So you CAN help your son, but he needs to help himself too. Does he accept that the psychosis was caused by weed? And he’s determined to not touch it again? And you’re sure he means that?

I think you should choose your son over your husband, but your son needs to play a big role in his recovery. You choosing him could be the boost he needs.

Sorry I also meant to say @Matilda1981 I’m sorry this happened to your brother. It’s terrible seeing a loved one destroy themselves isn’t it?

Nothing to do in this scenario, apart from dumping the husband. I hope people considering marriage will realise that nobody cares about somebody else's children, apart from their own biological ones. The exception is when a biologically childless couple adopts children together (oh, wait, my theory goes out of the window - Nicole Kidman abandoned her adopted children when she got her biological ones). That is not to say that all parents care about their own biological children, sometimes they don't but it is more of an aberration than the norm. But unfortunately, people are animals and biology always wins, people only care about their own progeny, sorry to state the obvious. (Same goes for grandparents, btw - spates of articles about why grandparents don't mention step-grandchildren in their wills).

throw him out. Tell him to suck it up and man up
if he gets upset about it.

So did he only steal from you whilst going through a psychotic episode?

Does your son have adhd?

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. My now ex suffered a psychotic episode. He was eventually diagnosed with EUPD, but it was a 2 year battle with our local services following the epsiode before he managed to get his diagnosis. I always said I would support him as long as he was helping himself. He's now an ex because he stopped helping himself.

I think standing by your son is the right thing to do, but I also think you need to have a clear line/boundaries similar to what I had, otherwise, in the kindest way possible, you'll be at risk of enabling him. Is your son currently receiving ongoing help from a mental health team?

Your opinion isn't fact, btw.

OP, you're in a difficult scenario. Your son has actually made some awful choices and you're just excusing him. These choices have exacerbated his mental health issues. He's now seriously ill and of course you want to make sure he is OK, but you are glossing over things like him being very aggressive. I suspect that the situation is your house is much more difficult for your husband than you are willing to accept, and you're just painting him as being mean when there's another grown adult man (I.e. your son) behaving in frightening and unpredictable ways. I am not sure anyone can really be expected to live with that, and it doesn't sound like it is safe for you either.

Hi OP

I work in mental health and have worked for many years with people with psychosis, including for a period of time in an early onset service. Before an episode of psychosis, people often experience a prodrome - a period of months in which they become withdrawn, low in mood, less engaged with those around them. Self-medicating with cannabis is very common because it helps them to feel calmer - although ultimately leads to worsening of symptoms. People who talk about ‘bad choices’ perhaps don’t really have experience of working with people with psychosis. I’ve met many people over the years who are violent and act in a criminal way when they are unwell but are actually very different and not at all antisocial when they are well - such that you wouldn’t even recognise them or their behaviour. People saying that psychosis doesn’t make you steal or be abusive - it very much can make people behave like this. I’m sorry that so many people have such little understanding of psychosis (it’s a bit depressing to be honest - how can people recover and avoid feeling ashamed when there is such little empathy?).

Has your son been referred to the local early intervention service? This would be the best thing for him.

Regarding your husband, judging by this thread it seems he is not alone in his ignorance of severe mental illness. I would suggest that he moves out for a period of time at least. Perhaps you can meet somewhere neutral and talk when things are less intense. If he is willing, he can try to learn more about psychosis. Perhaps the team your son is under can also talk to him (with your son’s permission). Then you can decide together whether he is going to be able to support you both going forward. It’s not easy and he and you may decided it’s not something he is able to do, in which case sadly that will be the end of the marriage.

You sound like an amazing mum. I very much hope that your son continues his recovery and gets the support he needs and that you also get support. Instead of a job, perhaps he could look at volunteering in the first instance. I know that the National Trust have been very understanding working with volunteers who have experienced mental illness. It might help him to get some confidence and self-esteem back. I would also look at MIND and see what support they can offer.

What a horrible situation 💐

I wonder how much of your son’s mental health can be attributed to the historic treatment by your partner?

Please do your best to get your partner to leave. Putting your son first might just help him on his way to recovery.

Your husband isn’t understanding your son. He is angry with your son. Your son isn’t in a place to apologise right now. Also your son needs support and so do you. I would choose my son if I was in your situation. You could try couples therapy. But his mind is in a completely different place to yours it seems.

This is a really tough situation. You and your husband have had caring responsibilities put upon you and it breaks many marriages. If possible, I'd ask my husband to leave for his own mental health and see how things go. You may be looking at a long period of caring for your son. Or things may become intolerable. Good luck.

I agree with much of this. The OP needs to accept that she cannot continue to tolerate her son's behaviour indefinitely - it will make her ill and then who will care for the son if this happens? The point about his aggression is extremely worrying, too - and OP needs to be concerned for her own safety.

I can also understand why the OP's DH has had enough. It must be totally draining coping with this situation and experiencing the drama of it all and who would want to live with that for any period of time? Drugs, aggression, stealing, losing jobs - where will it end? So I have sympathy for how OP's DH feels - he's probably at the end of his rope.

I don’t really blame him to be honest, your son illness notwithstanding sounds like a bit of a waste of space. What does he actually do to help himself?

I agree. It’s to easy to say „mental health is not an excuse“. As is telling someone who’s going through a psychotic episode „to just man up“. 🙄

Thank you for such a kind, clear, factual post emanating from your own experience. I hope this helps some of the less empathetic commenters here to understand the OP's position better.

I don’t think you’ll have much trouble persuading your husband to leave once he’s found somewhere to live but he’ll want what he is legally entitled to so you need to be prepared for that.

And yes I do get he is ill. It’s not an excuse for everything nor does even very serious mental illness necessarily absolve people of responsibility for their actions. The Valdo Calocane case is a prime example. Tbh I think your husband has done well to stick it out as long as he has, I’d have been out of it years ago.

Your husband is showing he cannot cope with a serious situation involving psychosis and mental illness regarding his wife's child. Husband needs to go. "man up" = red flag.

Everyone that is assuming that my son is continuing to be aggressive and steal this was only in the lead up to the Psychosis, so maybe 5 days at the most, he only behaved like this as he was ill, but not ill enough to be sectioned or seen by the crisis team.