To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

[UndertheCedartree]

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything.

My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that.

I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year.

I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves?

The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life.

YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together
YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

Do you have parental responsibility? If not, she may be told not to give you information.

Ask via the Social Worker. That's what they're for. Foster carers may not wish to communicate directly with family.

Can you not look at your nephew and see whether he has grown or not? I'm assuming he is pre-verbal or nonverbal since you'd just ask him otherwise.

Maybe get a couple of sizes of kids clothes, and return what doesn't fit him. Would you be allowed to take him to the shops?

Don't be silly. This is a family member looking after her nephew twice a week, as if she'd have been told not to talk to her! This is just a foster carer being a bit slack.

OP you must have the social worker's number. Call them.

I'd just buy him some and send them anyway kids grow quickly and I'm sure he will get use of them

No, I don't have parental responsibility. However, the book is meant to be for exchanging information so not sure who could tell her not to use it?

Ask his social worker to intervene as they are not using the book for its purpose. They will be receiving money to clothe him though.

It’s not a pressing question, IMO. It’ll become obvious if he needs specific new items. You don’t need to replace his entire wardrobe in one go.

To be honest, you need to be able to contact the SW , what happens if he has an accident while he's with you or there is another issue. The clothes issue has highlighted that communication isn't working at the moment.

Well, the book is so we can communicate indirectly. I don't think we should start using the SW instead of the book provided for that purpose? But I suppose I have no choice if she won't engage. But why won't she? What's the big secret?

Just ask the social worker. It could be that she hasn’t checked the book, or it could be that she’s being difficult.

Also, could you not just check the label on his top at contact?

You don't need to buy him clothes, his FC will be given money for that. I'd save the money and use it for days out etc with him. Or buy him clothes for when he is with you. Not great about communication but if he is adequately clothed when he comes to you then you can trust he has enough that fit him.

Also, could it be that they don’t need any additional clothes? They will have received a clothing allowance and it’s ’more stuff’. She might not be answering because she doesn’t want them.

Who knows why she won't, I guess she maybe doesn't see it as your role to buy clothing or she doesn't approve of the clothing. Why not just buy a couple of new bits and see throughout the summer if he seems to need more .

He has grown but you know what it's like certain things come up big/particular styles can last a couple of years. He is not completely non-verbal but pretty much that.

I could take him to the shops and get clothes to fit him, no problem. I would just like to start by knowing what he needs like I do with my DC!

Yes, I do. I suppose I'll just have to explain I've tried with the book first.

Yes, I suppose I can just bite the bullet and get him everything he might need. Just don't know why she can't communicate a little.

I am a foster carer, I can't think of any reason why she wouldn't tell you. You have a communication book so everything is documented.

The thing is the FC is known as 'a bit hard work' because of everything she complains to the SW about...for example me sending his rucksack back with things a bit messy/ not packed how she had it or me letting DN have a nap. She could easily have communicated to me through the book.

I know she gets money but I don't think it is a lot and I want him to look nice.

Do you have details of the supervising social worker? They are the foster carers social worker, and if the foster carer isn't doing what would be reasonably expected, the foster carers social worker needs to know. They're the ones who make sure the carers are meeting the required standards, not the child's social worker.

Even if she doesn't proactively share much herself, does she normally responds to your questions through the book?

If not, maybe she doesn't like this channel and you could go via SW to find another way.

But it could be that there is a reason she is not answering. For instance, she can't answer because she has no clue which clothes you are talking about. If she is fostering multiple children of similar age/sizes, she might be sharing the clothes etc.

Personally I can barely remember what I bought to my son last year, and I've stopped borrowing clothes from my siblings because after a few months I can never remember what belongs to whom and where they are.

Maybe let it go for this year, and from.now on if there are items you really care about, keep them for his time with you?

I'm not sure how obvious it will be to me if I can't see his wardrobe, though?
The likelihood is he'll have grown out of a lot of it, but just would have been nice to know - oh, the dungaree shorts still fit and the stretchy shorts. He could do with another sun hat too, kind of thing. Perhaps I'm expected too much. It's hard negotiating something so new. Well, it's not even that new but I thought we would have built up some rapport by now!

Well, I can do my best to contact the SW. I'm sure if I left a message to say he'd had an accident she'd get back to me as soon as she could.

I know she gets money but I don't think it is a lot and I want him to look nice.

Foster carers get a good allowance to care for and clothe kids in their care. She should be providing appropriate clothes for him and might (given you’ve said she’s tricky) take your offer to buy him clothes as a criticism of her care. In your shoes I’d just buy him things to wear when he’s with you - if you think she isn’t clothing him appropriately I’d speak to the child’s social worker because they hold corporate parenting responsibilities for him.

As to why she won’t communicate, who knows, it’s ridiculous but you can’t force her so just solve the problem in front of you.

As per pp. liaise with the foster carer’s social worker (not the nephew’s) . She should be responding to messages in the communication book