Page 9 | To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

UndertheCedartree · 2024-05-16T18:28:08+00:00

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything. My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that. I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year. I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves? The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life. YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 13:58

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 21:19

Oh no absolutely having written this it's all coming up!!

He's our little boy. Not hers! 😭

I don't want him being obviously the 'foster kid' at nursery due to the basics clothes. I want him to be dressed to his personality and just individual and things that will really suit him!

He's always had a mix of clothes. Some cheaper, some a bit more expensive. Some just comfy casuals, some a little more smart. A bit of a mix for different occasions but nothing too extreme in one direction or other.

And he's going through a tough time right now. He should be wearing clothes that link him to his mummy.

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Awww you care about him so much and you're worried and a bit hurt by this FC attitude,which reading more further about , I believe is indicative of her not welcoming your input and it seems like she's likely resentful of you being involved . It's like she's ignoring you asking so that you give up trying , but you don't want to and you want him dressed nicely and I think you should go over her head to social services about it as it's unreasonable of her not to engage with you about something in your nephew's interests xx

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:00

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 13:33

I would just leave it about the clothes you bought last year and buy him some clothes if you want to. He's sure to have gone up a size by now or to do so soon. The foster carer may think you are checking to see if he wore the clothes you bought . She likely won't even remember what you bought as she would have received clothing when your nephew went there and also social services drop clothes in themselves when they get donations and also as I said foster carers get allowances for clothing x

I know what clothes he wore so not sure why she'd think that? I see his nursery photos so know what he is wearing there.

What do you mean she would have received clothing when he went there? From who? Why would he be given donations of clothes when he doesn't need them?

I think it's probably pretty obvious what the clothes I sent are. But as I said I only offered to sort them 'if it was easier for' her. If she doesn't want to do that, no problem, just say so.

I think the conclusion is I should just lower my expectations even further and not expect any kind of communication. At least then I can't get worked up about her ignoring me.

As you say, he's probably grown out of most of them so I'll just go with that. This is all new to me so it is hard to know what to expect!

OP posts:

SillySeal · 17/05/2024 14:01

Hi OP,

I haven't been able to ready every reply and response but as a current FC I just wanted to say that you can absolutely ask for the clothes back. Where I am, the allowance we get isn't great for clothing etc and when you have little ones that need practically a whole new wardrobe every few months it is expensive so I always appreciate family who buy anything for the children. Plus I also think it's nice for the children to have things from family. Here we also have to keep all clothing or actually anything bought by family and at a bare minimum ask if they want it back before getting rid. Usually I keep everything until the child moves on and ask family what would they like me to do.

I would speak to the CSW to air your concerns that she isn't answering questions. She will then be able to ask the FC directly or it sounds like you may go round in circles for a while. It could could she thinks you think her care isn't adequate but a simple conversation can sort that. If there is a care planning meeting coming up mum could also ask during the meeting about the clothes.

If only mum has PR I assume it's a section 20 placement? In which case there is meant to be more flexibility with regards to communication and contact. Although I know some FC are not fond of the unknown with section 20s but that doesn't mean she should not at least answer your question, it isn't a difficult one.

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 14:08

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 21:30

It did cross my mind. Has she sold them? But surely not!

If you've not seen him in the clothing at all and she's a biglso very panicky at things getting left at yours then my suspicion is that she has indeed sold them. That would be a reason to ignore you asking as well as potentially getting you to buy lots because of not knowing what is needed. She might also be asking social services for extra for more money for clothing and if she acknowledges you asking to buy for him that would mean she couldnt pretend she didnt realise you wanted to buy him things . Generic tracksuits are so cheap and her obsessing over a top or something seems very tight somehow x

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:13

AGlinnerOfHope · 17/05/2024 13:48

Definitely ask for the duffle and explain it is special.
It can be hard to keep track, especially if there is more than one child in placement.

Re noticing the clothes, I just mentally did it. No one was squeezed into anything because you tended to notice things getting small or that the current size jacket was a bit heavy so keep an eye out for a lighter one.

I had six dc at one point (complicated circumstances, not ideal). I didn’t ever get everything out and sort, I’d never arrive at the end of the job! I did gazillions of loads of washing, fished out anything that looked worn, bought what caught my eye at the shops…

I wasn’t buying for DC that didn’t live with me, so maybe that made it more intuitive.

Anyway I’m stepping away as you come across as quite critical and I don’t think my contribution is helping.
No one knows what she’s thinking, just what we’ve thought in similar situations.

There’s a lot to fostering- meetings, records, medicals, on top of contact and the general day to day of looking after the children and household.

I have had difficult family members and I have known difficult foster carers.
It’s both work and home, so can be a strangely sensitive role. And obviously it’s hugely important.

It’s fostering fortnight at the moment and I’d love to do it again. DH has said absolutely not. 😅 I’ve said, maybe when we retire 😅

Ok, I'll do that.

There is only one DC with her. (I have my 3 plus DN to think about.)

My DC always grow a lot in-between seasons so grow out of things.

6 is a lot! I think I'd only cope with that many by being super-organised! It's the only way I manage now! But as you say we are all different.

I know there is a lot involved because I'm involved in a lot of it too, plus looking after DN, plus my sister, plus my own family and household including SEN DC, plus work. I get it is difficult for her. I bend over backwards to make it easier. I bend over backwards to show I'm grateful. I bend over backwards to walk on eggshells and not set her off. But it is hard for me too and I just wish she could understand that and just give me a break.

I hope you don't think I've been critical of you? I certainly haven't meant to.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:17

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 13:58

Awww you care about him so much and you're worried and a bit hurt by this FC attitude,which reading more further about , I believe is indicative of her not welcoming your input and it seems like she's likely resentful of you being involved . It's like she's ignoring you asking so that you give up trying , but you don't want to and you want him dressed nicely and I think you should go over her head to social services about it as it's unreasonable of her not to engage with you about something in your nephew's interests xx

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Thank you, that's all very true. It is such a difficult thing to navigate to try and do the best for DN while trying not to get it all wrong!

OP posts:

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 14:18

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:00

I know what clothes he wore so not sure why she'd think that? I see his nursery photos so know what he is wearing there.

What do you mean she would have received clothing when he went there? From who? Why would he be given donations of clothes when he doesn't need them?

I think it's probably pretty obvious what the clothes I sent are. But as I said I only offered to sort them 'if it was easier for' her. If she doesn't want to do that, no problem, just say so.

I think the conclusion is I should just lower my expectations even further and not expect any kind of communication. At least then I can't get worked up about her ignoring me.

As you say, he's probably grown out of most of them so I'll just go with that. This is all new to me so it is hard to know what to expect!

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Im sorry I was really clutching at straws to try to come up with a viable reason for her attitude , but I think I was likely wrong about it all and I have to admit that I was assuming about the donation of clothing because of knowing that happen with a previous partner whose child came to live with him suddenly and social services used to randomly drop round clothes, but in the case of your nephew he didn't need clothes as he had them from you when he arrived at the foster carers.

I didn't really mean at that time to be honest, but regardless I now believe I was wrong as they won't just give donations to a foster carer who gets allowances and whom they know received a generous amount of clothing from a family member . I feel bad that I have jumped in and confused things more. I think you sound a very , loving , caring person who really wants the best for her family xxx

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 14:22

You are doing the right thing and I don't think you should lower your expectations because you are wanting the best for your nephew and you deserve to be acknowledged and included xx

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:24

SillySeal · 17/05/2024 14:01

Hi OP,

I haven't been able to ready every reply and response but as a current FC I just wanted to say that you can absolutely ask for the clothes back. Where I am, the allowance we get isn't great for clothing etc and when you have little ones that need practically a whole new wardrobe every few months it is expensive so I always appreciate family who buy anything for the children. Plus I also think it's nice for the children to have things from family. Here we also have to keep all clothing or actually anything bought by family and at a bare minimum ask if they want it back before getting rid. Usually I keep everything until the child moves on and ask family what would they like me to do.

I would speak to the CSW to air your concerns that she isn't answering questions. She will then be able to ask the FC directly or it sounds like you may go round in circles for a while. It could could she thinks you think her care isn't adequate but a simple conversation can sort that. If there is a care planning meeting coming up mum could also ask during the meeting about the clothes.

If only mum has PR I assume it's a section 20 placement? In which case there is meant to be more flexibility with regards to communication and contact. Although I know some FC are not fond of the unknown with section 20s but that doesn't mean she should not at least answer your question, it isn't a difficult one.

Thank you for the advice it is so useful. And I think I'd feel the same way.

At least I know I'm not in the wrong for asking for clothes back.

She's never seemed to have a problem with me buying his clothes, it's just me asking about the old clothes has caused a problem.

Yes, section 20.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:29

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 14:18

Im sorry I was really clutching at straws to try to come up with a viable reason for her attitude , but I think I was likely wrong about it all and I have to admit that I was assuming about the donation of clothing because of knowing that happen with a previous partner whose child came to live with him suddenly and social services used to randomly drop round clothes, but in the case of your nephew he didn't need clothes as he had them from you when he arrived at the foster carers.

I didn't really mean at that time to be honest, but regardless I now believe I was wrong as they won't just give donations to a foster carer who gets allowances and whom they know received a generous amount of clothing from a family member . I feel bad that I have jumped in and confused things more. I think you sound a very , loving , caring person who really wants the best for her family xxx

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Oh, no, don't be silly. I know you were just trying to help. And thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:

StripeyTshirtsandLeggings · 17/05/2024 14:33

My DD spent some time in Foster Care last year so I have some experience, she's a bit older though (almost 10 now so was 8/9 in FC) but she also has SN and disabilities.

Her Foster Carers where great, let me choose her clothes for her to wear everyday, even asked me every morning which school uniform she should be in and if she choose something else they'd text me to let me know same with clothes if she chose something else I'd get a quick text to say "She chose this instead, let us know if this isn't ok with you". I got photos regularly, was allowed to send her back with her favourite snacks when I'd had contact with her and she was allowed to wear a bracelet all the time (even in school) that I gave her so she could be close to me whenever she needed - I had a matching one I wore all the time so DD knew we were "connected" via the bracelets. I had nightly phonecalls even if I'd had contact, if she wanted to see me she was allowed if I wanted to see her I was allowed. My mum and Ex-MIL also got regular photo and text updates and were allowed to visit her and take her out to. The only thing they asked was that I let them know if she was running late and if I hadn't fed her to let them know so they could do so - they could of arranged transport but I liked going to their house and taking DD on the train (she loves trains!) so we did that and it was fine. They had 2 other children with them at the time to.

It seems strange FCer isn't doing this with you, I'd definitely discuss it with the Social Workers. DDs was great and would check I was happy with the level of contact I was having with DD.

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 14:41

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:17

Thank you, that's all very true. It is such a difficult thing to navigate to try and do the best for DN while trying not to get it all wrong!

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Think about how your nephew will appreciate all your love and care in the future . Despite the FC basically stonewalling you regarding clothing you bought for him you are not accepting that and are trying your hardest to engage with the FC.

You have been patient and tried your hardest to engage with the FC and you were willing to work with her , but she is being far too awkward and is not prioritising your DN with her attitude and it will likely mean you'll have to go through social services to get answers.

I wonder if you could write in the book something regarding speaking to social services that might encourage her to engage. Something that wouldn't come across as aggressive, but would get her to realise that you've got the right to be involved in his upbringing xxx

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:55

StripeyTshirtsandLeggings · 17/05/2024 14:33

My DD spent some time in Foster Care last year so I have some experience, she's a bit older though (almost 10 now so was 8/9 in FC) but she also has SN and disabilities.

Her Foster Carers where great, let me choose her clothes for her to wear everyday, even asked me every morning which school uniform she should be in and if she choose something else they'd text me to let me know same with clothes if she chose something else I'd get a quick text to say "She chose this instead, let us know if this isn't ok with you". I got photos regularly, was allowed to send her back with her favourite snacks when I'd had contact with her and she was allowed to wear a bracelet all the time (even in school) that I gave her so she could be close to me whenever she needed - I had a matching one I wore all the time so DD knew we were "connected" via the bracelets. I had nightly phonecalls even if I'd had contact, if she wanted to see me she was allowed if I wanted to see her I was allowed. My mum and Ex-MIL also got regular photo and text updates and were allowed to visit her and take her out to. The only thing they asked was that I let them know if she was running late and if I hadn't fed her to let them know so they could do so - they could of arranged transport but I liked going to their house and taking DD on the train (she loves trains!) so we did that and it was fine. They had 2 other children with them at the time to.

It seems strange FCer isn't doing this with you, I'd definitely discuss it with the Social Workers. DDs was great and would check I was happy with the level of contact I was having with DD.

I'm sorry you're had to be in foster care. But that sounds amazing!

I'd love photos and updates as would his mum. That and the phone calls must have been a huge reassurance. I don't even know where DN is 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 15:07

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 14:41

Think about how your nephew will appreciate all your love and care in the future . Despite the FC basically stonewalling you regarding clothing you bought for him you are not accepting that and are trying your hardest to engage with the FC.

You have been patient and tried your hardest to engage with the FC and you were willing to work with her , but she is being far too awkward and is not prioritising your DN with her attitude and it will likely mean you'll have to go through social services to get answers.

I wonder if you could write in the book something regarding speaking to social services that might encourage her to engage. Something that wouldn't come across as aggressive, but would get her to realise that you've got the right to be involved in his upbringing xxx

Show quote history

I do think something needs to change because this thread has made me realise that interacting with the FC is too stressful. And that I'm really not asking too much.

I shouldn't have to feel scared in looking after my own DN in case I get something 'wrong'. I shouldn't have to worry about what I write in the book because she might disapprove. And I shouldn't have to be thinking about whether I've packed her bags right, if DN has spilled anything minor on his clothes or worry something has been accidentally left at mine.

I keep thinking maybe I should just stop communicating with her atall. But then I think I should persevere as surely good communication is best for DN?

I just want this all to be over 😢

OP posts:

AGlinnerOfHope · 17/05/2024 15:15

Bless you. You’re right, it shouldn’t be this hard.
I’m glad to hear stories from people where it was done right, though!

Have a chat with your DC’s SW about how to tackle it. Clearly you doing it directly isn’t working as well as it could. Maybe DN’s SW and the FC’s SW can work out a more productive approach. 💐

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 16:07

AGlinnerOfHope · 17/05/2024 15:15

Bless you. You’re right, it shouldn’t be this hard.
I’m glad to hear stories from people where it was done right, though!

Have a chat with your DC’s SW about how to tackle it. Clearly you doing it directly isn’t working as well as it could. Maybe DN’s SW and the FC’s SW can work out a more productive approach. 💐

I will, thank you.

And yes, it's great to hear the positive stories from foster carers like yourself and from family of a DC who has been in FC.

OP posts:

Miyagi99 · 17/05/2024 16:08

Have a look at the labels in the clothes he wears when he comes to you. If he only comes to you 2 days and he must be wearing clothes when he arrives then he won’t need much surely? Buy for what you’ve got planned e.g. beach, swimming.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 16:42

Miyagi99 · 17/05/2024 16:08

Have a look at the labels in the clothes he wears when he comes to you. If he only comes to you 2 days and he must be wearing clothes when he arrives then he won’t need much surely? Buy for what you’ve got planned e.g. beach, swimming.

Edited

I know what size most of them are as I bought them for him! It's not that I don't know what size to buy him, I was just asking what he needed for Summer.

He needs clothes for every day not just the days he is with me! I will get beach clothes and swimming too, thanks.

OP posts:

saveforthat · 17/05/2024 18:02

StripeyTshirtsandLeggings · 17/05/2024 14:33

My DD spent some time in Foster Care last year so I have some experience, she's a bit older though (almost 10 now so was 8/9 in FC) but she also has SN and disabilities.

Her Foster Carers where great, let me choose her clothes for her to wear everyday, even asked me every morning which school uniform she should be in and if she choose something else they'd text me to let me know same with clothes if she chose something else I'd get a quick text to say "She chose this instead, let us know if this isn't ok with you". I got photos regularly, was allowed to send her back with her favourite snacks when I'd had contact with her and she was allowed to wear a bracelet all the time (even in school) that I gave her so she could be close to me whenever she needed - I had a matching one I wore all the time so DD knew we were "connected" via the bracelets. I had nightly phonecalls even if I'd had contact, if she wanted to see me she was allowed if I wanted to see her I was allowed. My mum and Ex-MIL also got regular photo and text updates and were allowed to visit her and take her out to. The only thing they asked was that I let them know if she was running late and if I hadn't fed her to let them know so they could do so - they could of arranged transport but I liked going to their house and taking DD on the train (she loves trains!) so we did that and it was fine. They had 2 other children with them at the time to.

It seems strange FCer isn't doing this with you, I'd definitely discuss it with the Social Workers. DDs was great and would check I was happy with the level of contact I was having with DD.

Have I read that correctly? The foster carer asked you every morning which clothes to dress her in?

StripeyTshirtsandLeggings · 17/05/2024 18:43

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 14:55

I'm sorry you're had to be in foster care. But that sounds amazing!

I'd love photos and updates as would his mum. That and the phone calls must have been a huge reassurance. I don't even know where DN is 😢

Show quote history

They were truly wonderful even listened when I said I hated certain combinations of clothes (like the gingham summer school dresses with tights they never dressed her in those, I don't mind the summer dresses with socks though!). And if I said I didn't want her eating certain things they'd never go behind my back and give it (I don't allow hard sweets or hard lollies due to her disabilities and the choking risk, if the other DC there got those DD was given something else of similar value e,g, a mini bag of haribo or a small chocolate bar).

I'd honestly speak to Social Services about it.

StripeyTshirtsandLeggings · 17/05/2024 18:47

saveforthat · 17/05/2024 18:02

Have I read that correctly? The foster carer asked you every morning which clothes to dress her in?

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@saveforthat Yes, they'd ask if I had a preference for which school uniform she was in e.g. did I want pinafore or skirt or summer dress etc. also because different schools have different rules for different times of the year and they had 2 others at different schools, so it meant they didn't need to learn all the different rules they could just ask me and I could say "They've said they can wear summer uniform from now on which is summer dress, cardigan and socks, please no tights with the summer dress I don't like it" and they always listened while also giving DD a choice, so if she decided she wanted skirt and socks instead they checked with me i was ok with it (I always was fine).

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 19:25

StripeyTshirtsandLeggings · 17/05/2024 18:43

They were truly wonderful even listened when I said I hated certain combinations of clothes (like the gingham summer school dresses with tights they never dressed her in those, I don't mind the summer dresses with socks though!). And if I said I didn't want her eating certain things they'd never go behind my back and give it (I don't allow hard sweets or hard lollies due to her disabilities and the choking risk, if the other DC there got those DD was given something else of similar value e,g, a mini bag of haribo or a small chocolate bar).

I'd honestly speak to Social Services about it.

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They sound so lovely and like they really cared not just about DD but you too.

OP posts:

Doingmybest12 · 18/05/2024 07:46

Wow, I am a bit stunned about a fostercarer checking daily what clothes to put your child in. That is really not a usual expectation or possibility. I hope OP doesn't think this is what she should be hoping for as it will add to the frustrations.