To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

[UndertheCedartree]

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything.

My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that.

I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year.

I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves?

The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life.

YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together
YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

@UndertheCedartree

I don't know, in this case, I'm afraid, I do know that SW always check bedrooms to see children have their own toys and clothes, at least thats the case with my fostering relative. And should a child move on to another carer or setting they should be taking all their belongings with them.

Yes, they definitely did as I packed them up.

We can communicate in her direction and occasionally she'll answer me but it's the absolute bare minimum. I never expected it to be like this. I didn't realise I would be so shut out. I thought we'd be a team. I don't see how this is in DN's best interests?

It did cross my mind. Has she sold them? But surely not!

Is this case still in proceedings OP?

Is there a reason he isnt living with family rather than being in care while the proceedings go on?

If proceedings ended already, is there a plan for adoption? Its not the norm that a nursery aged child would be permanently in foster care, usually there will be an adoption plan if the child is not returning to their birth parents or going to live with family.

Some ideas from a former foster carer-
(Don’t take it personally, they are just guesses)

She’s not that interested in clothes, so isn’t sure why you are fussing.

The other children wear a different style of clothes so he doesn’t look like he belongs.

She is mainly interested in a consistent routine so she knows what he’s eaten and when he’s slept so she can manage his routine when he gets home. You going off piste disrupts her consistent routine based approach. That’s hat she wants to talk about in the book.

I had one family complain the clothes I sent were totally unsuitable and she needed lots of new clothes that were more suitable for day to day. They bought her tracksuits and trainers. She had great clothes she was allowed to play in and get messy. That never bothered me. They felt all her clothes were ‘best’.

I had another want the baby dressed in what they sent regardless of the weather, fit or comfort.

There will be a reason for her behaviour - it may be a misunderstanding or it may be very sensible.

Yes, I attend all meetings. I just want to stop feeling I'm walking on egg shells around her.

So what’s the plan? Are you being assessed? Do you think he’ll be with her long term with you as support care?

His SW is lovely and I get on really well with her. She discusses everything with me. I just don't want to look like I'm 'telling tales'! But I suppose this has been going on ages now.

Yes, I go to all his meetings and have my say. I suppose his clothes was just something I thought we could deal with ourselves. And I thought after a while she may open up to me a bit more about his life with her. But I think you're right, I should mention things. But how? I don't want to look critical? But she makes me feel so disrespected! But it's not about me. I think I'll just try and come from a practical point of view.

Foster Carers definitely get a very decent allowance which is more than enough to buy plenty of clothes for the children they look after so there is no need for you to ask what he needs. If you want to buy clothes as a present, just buy what you like, take him shopping when he is with you and write in the book that you took him shopping for clothes. How old is he?

I am not an expert however I do think it is important you appropriately advocate for your nephew .

I think it’s important you work as a team and get your communication just right. I think you should raise with your SW conversation around this and do need to be proactive while pushing the team agenda, rather than creating a potential us and them.

The most important thing I think you could stress is that it is statistically unlikely that in 30 years any current individuals around his being placed in a care setting will be in his life and it is statistically likely you will be. You need to be sure that even from a somewhat sideline position, you are striving for good outcomes for him.

I reckon she has sold them on vinted or given them away.

I think she should communicate more about him - if he was in nursery they would take photos & do some sort of feedback about that day.

She's being paid so you shouldn't have to pay for clothes. Maybe the dungarees aren't really her idea of a nice outfit. They are a faff too when getting them dressed. So maybe she actually prefers the joggers.

How old is he? By about 3 both mine had clothes that they insisted on wearing. Does he show any preference?

Always through a book. She won't give me her number. I have given her mine. She sends DN to mine in transport, I could pick him up but 🤷 I'm told she is 'funny' or 'odd' or 'hard work'. It's just the way she is apparently.

I've always bought his clothes so she has no need to buy him much. I want him looking like himself. It's not about her. Why would she have such an issue with this? And if she does why does she think ignoring me is the way to deal with it? I'm baffled with this whole foster care thing. Wouldn't you bite off your FC's aunty's hand for taking a job off you? I'd say thank you if it was me!

Same. I'd be so cross if one of my young people had a loving aunt trying to be an active part of his care and a foster carer was freezing them out. It sounds like she's complying with the spending time arrangements through gritted teeth and that's a problem.

It's a bit of a stretch to suggest she sold them. I used to be a FC and I took great care of any clothes or anything else that was given to the children I looked after by family members. I know there are always exceptions but most FC care very much for the little ones in their care and make a great effort to communicate with family members.

I've asked her what does he need? It gets ignored. So I tried 'can you tell me if any of his summer clothes still fit him?' - ignored. So I think we'll, maybe she's really busy I'll offer to take a job off her - 'if it's easier you could send the clothes over and I'll go through them'

It's very clear the clothes she has bought so I don't think she'll have a problem differentiating. The things she buys are kind of year round clothes. All the shorts, polos, dungarees, shirts were from home.

I don't really want to go into this as I can't see how it is relevant. But no, he won't be adopted, he'll be coming home.

I don’t understand how this set up is in the best interest of your nephew. Surely some face to face communication between you and her would be best for him, it would show him that yous get on, and if either of yous have any concerns about him yous can have an actual conversation about it. I would ask the social worker why this form of communication has been put in place and how exactly your nephew benefits from it. I never asked what my niece needed because I knew they would say nothing as they provide, but I did take her shopping, she’s a teen though so was really just a day out for her she loves shopping.

I am too. Honestly, the biggest gift you could get your nephew is to open an account and put in a small amount of money in weekly that he can access at age 18. The FC can buy clothes; they are paid an allowance to do just this. If you are supplying clothes, they are making more money!

What does "I want him looking like himself" mean. If he is a young child, (sorry if you have revealed his age and I've missed it) surely clothes should just be clean, comfortable and weather appropriate.

So you don’t have her number, but are taking care of him. What would happen in case of an emergency? Would you have to call the local authority?

What if the transport doesn’t turn up? Is very late?

I would be quite concerned by her lack of communication as well. Does she have lots of foster children? Perhaps this is an unusual situation for her as she is not used to having safe, actively involved, and reliable families?

Also, who says she is odd/difficult? Does she have a reputation for this behaviour? I appreciate that there is a serious shortage of foster carers, but they aren’t reassuring character traits you would like a person caring for your your loved one to have.

Is any of this relevant to the original question, especially as the OP said right at the start that this wasn’t about the reasons he was in foster care? He clearly has a relative who loves him and is committed to staying involved. Why ask questions about his long term future when the question is about clothing and communication?

Is he too young for you to be able to work out if he is happy with her?

My parents were foster Carer's not me so I guess I didn't know the details but I can remember them being uncomfortable with contact for a couple of specific families due to why the kids were removed. So why your dn is in care may be affecting the attitude. I remember my mum being so anxious about one girl having contact with aunts as the kid was in care to save her from being sent abroad for forced under age marriage and my mother didn't agree the contact was safe for the child. I can imagine my mother was difficult for that family but complied with what she had to. I've crossed paths with other foster carers and felt they inappropriately shared or implied things about children's families. It's a very emotive and difficult thing to do and you feel so angry fir some of the kids who have suffered. But the attitude to the children who are in care due to family sickness/bereavement was noticeably different. You don't have to tell us details but if it's something where mummy is unable to care for him due to situation rather than abuse/neglect I'd be really nagging the SW to push foster carer to facilitate better relationships. You said he will be coming home so foster carer is out of order really. But if it's still in proceedings and the child's safety is under scrutiny I'd not be rocking the boat for fear of being seen as difficult- just buy some clothes and send them. Or a special toy or teddy new backpack with favourite characters on it something your dn may enjoy and know comes from you more than clothes he won't know you bought for him.

Oh no I really appreciate your insight!

She could well possibly not be that bothered about clothes (unless something is left at mine and all hell breaks loose! 😂)

There aren't other DC.

She definitely likes her routine and woe betide you mess it up! I like to follow DN's routine and have to put up with what she does when he's there. She likes to give instructions. His SW has told me to ignore it all as she is over reaching and it's inappropriate. I'm going to be having DN overnight at the weekends soon so we'll almost be having him 50/50 but sure she'll still think it's her way or the high way!

I always imagined being able to just give her a call or have a quick chat when I see her which I have occasionally. She brought DN to his dental appointment recently. Should the book not just be about what she wants but about what is best for DN?

I buy clothes for DN that would fit into both categories - casual and slightly smarter. All suitable for playing in. I can understand if she's not bothered about clothes she just gets basic tracksuits. But what has she got against him wearing other things. She might think they are all 'best'? Why can't she communicate that and I can reassure her they are not just for 'best'.

I want him to wear nice summer clothes like shorts and short dungarees and rompers. I have my own DC that I managed to dress appropriately why does she think I can't dress DN??

It's so frustrating! As you say there must be a reason or misunderstanding - if only she would communicate.

She is the strangest person I've ever come across! Why would you send food every time when the DC has his meals with his family. I feel like just throwing it away!

He'll be with her a while longer. I hope not too much longer 🤞