To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

[UndertheCedartree]

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything.

My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that.

I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year.

I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves?

The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life.

YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together
YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

Honestly OP all I can say is - keep loving that little boy and thinking of him and doing all these things for him. He needs it, this stuff means so so much more for a child in care. Your relationship is so different to what a foster carer can provide and it is so important. Find a way to get him those clothes that show him he has a family who love him and think of him and include him.

I'd imagine there are many complex reasons why he can't be in kinship care with you and you are doing all these things you can do out of love for him. The foster carer absolutely should be embracing this.

I could try and find valid reasons why she might be like this, but there's also the fact that like in every other position in life, there are foster carers who are a bit rubbish.

I foster. My foster kids have a sibling who was with another foster carer when they were taken into care and initially when they had contact with birth family they were transported by a contact worker. As they were all in the early years of primary school there would be the occasional book bag mix up and if we ended up with the sibling's bag I would always have a look inside. There were always loads of school letters in the bottom of the bag. Reading records not signed. Reply slips not written etc. All things the foster carer was meant to deal with. And she just didn't. One day in the school playground all the kids were dressed up as it was some kind of dressing up day, and when the sibling arrived they had school uniform on. Transport worker (because foster carer refused to take child to school herself) said 'Oh child will have forgotten to give the letter to carer. They are quite naughty like that and never give her letters.' Child was 4 at the time. I personally think it was the adult's responsibility to check the bag rather than expect the 4 year old to pass on messages. Especially as the carer was never there at school to speak to the teacher.

My two and the sibling had joint meetings for six months and I never met the other foster carer as she refused to attend any meetings. Just refused and said she didn't agree that was part of her job. This was quite a few years ago now so I like to think standards of caring have improved in my area and carers can't just opt out of the parts of their job that they don't fancy fulfilling.

It doesn't matter if the carer doesn't like the clothes you provide, she should still be accepting them gratefully and ensuring he's wearing them when he sees you. She can do what she likes on days he doesn't see you but to foster a positive relationship with you she should be ensuring you see him in the clothes you buy, and that she responds to your queries about his clothes.

The transport situation is weird and in my authority at least is not really accepted these days. Either the foster carer does all the transporting personally or agreements are made with birth family. If you're happy to collect and return him then she should be trying to facilitate that. And social workers should be looking into why that's not happening.

Also weird about the food. She sounds quite controlling. If the plan is for you to build up to full custody, or for you to maintain a high level of contact no matter where he ends up, then she needs to let you feed the child! I would raise that with his social worker. And they shouldn't just be brushing it off with 'Oh, she's difficult.' No, she is actually getting paid to look after him and there are certain standards that she has to meet regarding preparing him for his next steps or she shouldn't be in the job.

Why is everyone trying to second guess what the foster carer may or may not be thinking?! If she actually communicated with the OP in the way she was meant to then no one would be guessing at all. Flag the lack of communication to the SW and keep raising until it’s resolved. She sounds incompetent and odd.

not applicable after read further and saw DN is only 3.

OP I expect the behaviour like her sending food is about her, not about you. She wants you to stick to a strict routine, the foods part of that. Does DN ear other food if offered or are they picky? Maybe she thinks they need strict routine to feel comfortable after all the changes. Doesn't excuse the lack of communication and I think the answers probably this is who she is and she only does things her way. Which isn't necessarily best for her FC.

Op you like him in dungeres but she maybe feels they are impractical for a 3 yo using the toilet etc.

My youngest HATED dungeres and jeans even the soft baby jeans. He still hates jackets and being bundled up.

I think I'd buy him a few t-shirts for her house and keep the rest of your money.
I've also heard of foster carers who basically keep a bank of clothes in all sizes. That get used depending on what children they have at the time.
I bet she can't remember what clothes you bought. And t-shirts and joggers tend to be all year round clothes

Should have read further before I edited my earlier post. All of what you've written here, the food, the clothes, the strict routine and no naps could be down to DN SEN. They are certainly things my SEN DSs have very particular needs over. Lots of materials that distress them, need to eat very plain food and exact specific brands of food. Id send with food, its not s comment on the carer its what my DSs need. A nap at 3 would equal them being up half the night. Lack of routine distressed them a lot at that age. All of which should be communicated, if indeed this is the case.

The lack of communication means you don't know why she's doing these things. but I don't think any of it is a reflection on you. Its about how she likes to do things and hopefully about what she feels you DN needs. My DSs can mask so having them for the day might not actually show you the issues she's dealing with. She may be getting the fallout at her home of changes in his routine and naps but the answer is still better communication and discussing his needs with you. I do wonder if she's finding it a bit overwhelming. Caring for a mostly non verbal child with high needs can take a lot out of you.

Definitely talk to the social worker.

I'm guessing the FC has been a FC for many years. Approaches to fostering and to maintaining links with birth families have changed significantly over time, and need to be child-centered. It sounds like her approach isn't.

It's great if carers and family members can get on well and are on the same page as each other. But really it can be a complicated relationship .There may be other reasons why she feels she needs to keep boundaries in place, maybe she's had a bad past experience with a birth family. Not saying she should be nit picking or obstructive but it's not as simple as everyone being one happy family. From what you describe of her dressing your dn , there is an implied criticism that her standards aren't good enough however carefully you approach it, but I totally get you feeling he doesn't look like himself. I hope talking to the sw will help.

It depends if the DC has any SN's. OP has already said he's not very verbal.

I'm a FC are I think it's odd that FC won't answer simple questions about if the clothes you bout him fit or not. Id just take him out and buy him a few T shirts and shorts if he gets hot. If he's average size I'd get 3-4 years. I'm assuming he had 2-3 last year. I'd buy him a few nice outfits to wear when he's with you and keep them at your house for him. Let his FC dress him when he's with her. I find it really weird that she packs food for him unless he's on a special diet. It's as if she doesn't think you feed him. I think it's quite rude of her. I would just throw it away and feed him what you want to. Also I wouldn't unpack the bags she sends then she can't complain you don't pack them properly. I suppose the main thing is his SW has told you she is taking good care of him until you can get him back with you full time.

I haven’t quite finished reading the thread, but from what I can see it’s just one of those things. You sound lovely, it’s quite unusual to have someone so committed and reliable in an FCs life. The relatives of mine were quite problematic for a variety of reasons.

For those thinking the longer term questions were irrelevant and nosy, they really weren’t If you are trying to understand someone’s behaviour it’s going to be affected by the situation!

I have known people who are excellent at looking after small DC who have really limited other skills. Maybe poor literacy, or poor communication skills. Makes them hard to work with, but no doubt the dc they look after is doing well. That’s not good in fostering- it’s a big, broad job- but if she’s the best they have available for a child with a specific set of needs then that’s it.

I have been in your position when my FCs move on and the next placement doesn’t want contact and seems to quietly rebel against it. It’s painful.
One day he’ll be home and she’ll be in your position. We were always encouraged to stay in touch but families were always keen to forget and move on!

Well its relevant because of the method of communication. If the child is going to transition home to his mother or another family member, Im surprised the communication is via a book. Communication books can sometimes be used where there is an issue between the two people concerned or where communication by phone may be difficult or where communication is being kept to a minimum.

Who suggested the books and why? Normally its set out by the SW

Thank you so much for your kind words and for understanding.

Thank you so much. And I will continue to do everything I can to show him his family love him even if he has to be in foster care right now. I wish I could have him full time but I had to be honest that I can't. But I will continue to do my best for him.

I’m not a foster carer currently but I had children up until 2020 so fairly recent.

I would strongly suggest you drop this if he is coming to live with you. If it is a short term issue then pick your battles!

If this isn’t likely then his “home” is this families home and when he comes to visit you, then you are his auntie. You need to stop overstepping and remember you and not his mum but his auntie.

You mentioned that you have children of your own. If your child’s aunt said that it was not your job to buy your children clothes and it was HER job- would you agree?
It is literally legally and morally this ladies responsibility to cloth your nephew.
If you want to buy him nicer clothes that’s great and lovely, but your attitude towards it comes off controlling and like nothing she is doing for nephew is good enough.

We are all just guessing the foster carers reasons but asking 3 times in 5 weeks feels excessive to me, especially since where I am we have had two days of “shorts” weather so I haven’t even looked at the summer clothes for some DCs.
This would make me glad I hadn’t shared phone numbers with you as I would be worried you would ask even more if I did.

I don’t chat casually with the birth families about our lives as it’s not safe, although I pray and hope they are able to reunite.
If asked what your nephew had been doing I would write a list like “Beach. Finger painting. Crabbing. Playing in the garden. Park.”
I wouldn’t be sharing details like “We went to Blackpool beach and DN had a lovely bubblegum ice cream, which he had 3 licks of and then declared the best food ever! He loved the teacups and got a new hat from the seaside shop with a fish on.”
It sounds like the “she is difficult” stuff is her actually sticking to the foster carer training! Except the style of clothing issue which is identity.
I am told to pack food as almost all children have come from food instability backgrounds.
I am told not to share any details about where DC could be such as “Blackpool Pleasure Beach”.
I am told to use the book to communicate about YOUR VISITS not his life at my home.

I had one foster family that bought their 3 children all under 5 matching outfits but only one set at a time. They would ask the social worker to pass on messages such as “Can the girls wear the pink dresses with Minnie Mouse on on Saturday please as we have a party?”
These dresses were bought 18 months before and would definitely not fit. I chose to hand down the dresses so two wore the dresses and the eldest wore something else- that I had hoped was their style. I tried so hard to make sure they were happy.
They complained to the social worker I didn’t match the girls. They complained if the dresses didn’t fit I could have at least sent the matching outfits for the younger two so they could swap them all to match at their house. I didn’t have matching outfits for the younger two as I don’t dress them identical. I cried as I had tried so hard to please them.

They also used to give me one days notice to launder all the clothes. I hated the clothes by the end of it.
They also didn’t send hats back that I needed for nursery the next day! Literally forgot something every single time!

Thank you for your insight. At least I know I'm not going mad!!

That's so sad about the little sibling 😔

I think as someone said she doesn't really care about clothes. She doesn't particularly send him in clothes I get him (sometimes does) but they are often in his bag as 'a change of clothes'. I had him on Easter Sunday and she sent him wearing a tracksuit his mum had got him...covered in Christmas motifs!

He's pretty good with food actually. He eats most of what I make him. Obviously I know his favourites too! The food she sends is not really what I want DN eating. It is very processed with lots of salt or sugar. Now, I'm sure she cooks healthy food at home (I hope!) but she buys this type of food to send because it doesn't need to be in a fridge, I assume. I send it all back uneaten. At first DN would find it in the bag and want to eat some of it. But now I know to get it out and hide it!

He's not using the toilet right now, but that's fine if she doesn't want dungarees - all she needs to do is say!

DN doesn't like being bundled up either. He gets too hot. He prefers the shorts and t-shirts, romper suits etc I get him for the summer rather than tracksuits.

It shouldn't be hard to know what clothes I bought him as they are different to the few tracksuits she gets him.

Ah I see, so this is another 'i want advice but only if you agree with me' post 😂

You asked for advice, I have been in your position and theirs and you can't make a distinction between your life and their job. As long as that remains you'll continue to have an issue. Enjoy!

What you have to remember is I've looked after him his whole life. I am fully aware of his SEN much more than she is (I have DC with SEN too.)

Yes, DN has particular needs around clothes, food, naps. I have communicated this to the FC but she likes to do her own thing. I think she is very rigid. But as you say it's not a comment on her as a carer! And I'm sad about how unsettled he is with her compared to me. But I have to keep moving forward. Overnights starting next weekend.

I do think she is finding it overwhelming. There are a lot of things she can't cope with and some support with equipment has been slow to arrive for her. It's a shame because if she was having a difficult day I'd always try and help but she doesn't phone me. DN is pretty much non-verbal with her so it must be even harder than with me where he has some words and signs. I'm not downplaying what a hard job it is for her or how grateful I am for her looking after DN.

Quick question- he’s going to nursery (communication book) and you (communication book ) anywhere else? All the bag packing and communicating can get a bit repetitive, even if it’s essential.

Is he coming to you straight from nursery?

It can get a bit full on, organisationally, all the bags and transport arrangements.

Also, she has a right to a semi private home life so may be in the habit of keeping relatives away from her house. I can’t think of anything worse than having a relative turn up ten minutes early and ask to use the loo (perfectly reasonable from their point of view) when I was trying to organise everyone and everything. When the SW came unexpectedly, for a home visit or similar, that was ok because they’d been many times before and would be understanding if they caught me on an off day where everything was going wrong! A relative, less so.

And while I totally agree with you about the food, it’s actually a bit snobby in practice. It’s perfectly normal to feed a child like that. I don’t. But know from other DCs lunch boxes that many if not most do.

My DC went to independent schools for various reasons. At the first, I was the slummy mummy sending ‘junk’ food while the others were on home made vegan stuff. At the next school, I was the health freak and everyone else was normal. Same food both times 🤣

In all honesty. She's not child-led atall. She has her routine which she forces DN into. I try not to think about it too much or I get so sad. I know I can't micro manage her, but I do wish she was a bit different.

Writing this post has brought so much up I didn't even think was there! I've kept it all in as I'm so grateful for FC caring for DN. I will have a chat with the SW about things becoming more child-centric, thank you.

This is dangerously falling into 'he said, she said' territory and with 50/50 beginning next week ,just try to step back from all of this unless you have safeguarding concerns which you still should share. I hope it all settles down for the little ones sake, otherwise this plan could be disrupted. You've got the measure of how she works, stop banging your head against a brick wall and concentrate on your time with your nephew.

It certainly is so complicated! I've realised that writing this.

He will be with me 50:50 with the FC. Yes, I'm his aunty and I get his clothes on behalf of his mum. Yes, I have DC. If I was unwell I'd ask my sister to get my DC's clothes. The FC is his carer not his mum!

As I have said I trip over myself to thank FC. I walk on eggshells so as not to upset her.

How is asking 3 times in 5 weeks excessive? It shouldn't take 5 weeks to get an answer. If she answered the first time I wouldn't need to ask again! And where we are we've had weeks of warm weather and DN runs hot so has needed me to change him into cooler clothes. I mean honestly, would it be so very difficult for you just to see what summer clothes your FC needs? It's something parents do up and down the country every season change. It's a normal part of looking after a child. And you'd be glad you hadn't shared your phone number because you may get asked to do this so difficult task??

I haven't asked her to chat casually with me about her life. Although I pose no risk to her. But to let me know what things DN is getting up to. Exactly like your list. I don't get that. Well no other foster carers must be sticking to their training then if she has a reputation for being difficult. Interesting how other FC on here wouldn't do things as she does. Is sticking to foster carer training mean you complain to the SW if the bags you send (despite requests not to send them all) are packed slightly differently to how you do it? Is it training to give 3 yos highly processed sugary and salty food? And is it training to barely communicate with the DC's family? I don't think it is atall.

There are no food insecurity issues or risks to me knowing where they may have gone at the weekend! Not that I'm asking for specifics, anyway! The book is meant to be 2 way not just about me giving the FC information. Why does she need information if I don't??

You're complaining about the girls not having clothes that fit, but also complaining that I'm checking if things fit! And I have cried many times as I try so hard to keep this woman happy, but it should be my DN's happiness who should be put first not hers!

Hats get forgotten sometimes! Parents know this so have more than 1! I've ensured DN has multiple things at FC so she doesn't have to get in a panic if something is left behind. I'm sorry but you sound ever so hard work too.