Page 5 | To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:06

TigerOnTour · 16/05/2024 22:33

I have no idea about how to communicate with the foster carers but it has struck me that this little boy is so lucky to have you in his life 💗

That's very sweet, thank you

OP posts:

PrincessTeaSet · 16/05/2024 23:07

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 21:19

Oh no absolutely having written this it's all coming up!!

He's our little boy. Not hers! 😭

I don't want him being obviously the 'foster kid' at nursery due to the basics clothes. I want him to be dressed to his personality and just individual and things that will really suit him!

He's always had a mix of clothes. Some cheaper, some a bit more expensive. Some just comfy casuals, some a little more smart. A bit of a mix for different occasions but nothing too extreme in one direction or other.

And he's going through a tough time right now. He should be wearing clothes that link him to his mummy.

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I understand that you want to do everything you can for him and keep him wearing what he would have been if he wasn't in foster care.

I think you're overthinking the nursery thing though. Don't most people send their kids to nursery in cheap or old clothes and save the good stuff for other occasions? He won't be the only one in supermarket clothes. Plus a 3 year old isn't going to notice or care about brands. Not are his friends. It's really only you that cares about this and you are attaching a lot of importance that I don't think it merits. Obviously the situation is going to be traumatic and life changing for him but the clothes are neither here nor there.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:08

Bridgertonned · 16/05/2024 22:34

Honestly OP, she sounds like some of the foster carers we deal with who really should have retired but they choose not to and the LA won't get rid of because of the shortage... but they're set in their ways, won't take on advice and just like looking after babies and cute toddlers and don't want to think too much about the families they've come from.
Sorry I know that sounds awful, we have some absolutely amazing carers but a few who just don't 'get it' and it's so frustrating when children are placed with them. Not that they're doing anything dangerous, but children in care have been through so much and they deserve the best, sensible, attuned care.
Things like understanding that tracksuits are perfectly practical but that clothing, and especially clothing provided by family has a significance beyond just being functional.

Thank you for understanding

OP posts:

saveforthat · 16/05/2024 23:10

She is caring for him, of course she will buy him clothes. I understand this is something that means a lot to you. I really think that the best thing would be to keep some clothes at yours that you have bought. When he arrives change him into your clothes change him back into the FC clothes before he returns to her. I echo other posters, it's great you are in his life.

NeedToChangeName · 16/05/2024 23:10

If she won't disclose her tel no, might she be willing to share her email address (perhaps set up a separate one just for this purpose)?

If so, you could send emails to her, copied to her social worker

It does seem odd she's reluctant to share info

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:13

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 16/05/2024 22:38

I think you are being difficult because you dont like the situation. He is 3. Of course his 12 month old summer clothes wont fit. But the next size up.

Certain things always fit my DC more than 1 year. That's not unusual in the slightest. It's why you have a 'fashion show' as my DD calls it to see what still fits!! I can't believe you'd buy everything brand new without even checking. But if FC is like that she can just tell me 'he's grown out of it all'!

OP posts:

PurpleBugz · 16/05/2024 23:14

@UndertheCedartree in that case I really would raise it with the SW. she's overstepping. He has a family who love him and are not a risk she should be doing all she can to facilitate that. It sounds like she's on a power trip and likes the control she has. Requesting a new carer would probably be too upsetting for him at such a young age especially as he will be transitioning home soon but it sounds like he's been unlucky in who he was allocated. Roll on your 50/50 time I hope he comes home soon. And definitely get him something special he can have with him on top of the clothes. I remember lots of foster kids really happy when they got something like that it really helped keep their families present for them. Even just a toy from McDonald's was special when it comes from someone you miss and can't be with

Cactuslove · 16/05/2024 23:14

PrincessTeaSet · 16/05/2024 23:07

I understand that you want to do everything you can for him and keep him wearing what he would have been if he wasn't in foster care.

I think you're overthinking the nursery thing though. Don't most people send their kids to nursery in cheap or old clothes and save the good stuff for other occasions? He won't be the only one in supermarket clothes. Plus a 3 year old isn't going to notice or care about brands. Not are his friends. It's really only you that cares about this and you are attaching a lot of importance that I don't think it merits. Obviously the situation is going to be traumatic and life changing for him but the clothes are neither here nor there.

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Completely disagree. Clothes are important and are a way of showing care to a child. For example I want my kids in clean non stained clothes that have been ironed. I know lots of kids go to nursery in their real old stuff and thats fine no judgements. But that's not what I want for mine. Their clothes are still functional and comfy. If my kids or my brothers or cousins kids were in fc I would want them in the clothes they have always been in, the ones I have lovingly picked and cared for and ironed. I don't get what the bleeping issue is.

It's not about money. Or his age and that he doesn't care. It's about his identity. He is not the foster carers child. He is the birth mothers child and has deep connections with her and her family that the clothes represent and help maintain.

OP I hear you and would advise you to escalate to both social workers via email... and would also bring it up at the next review.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:14

WeightoftheWorld · 16/05/2024 22:50

I have nothing useful to add but I just wanted to say OP, that it sounds like you're doing such an amazing thing for your nephew. He is so lucky to have you.

That's so kind. And I'm so lucky to have him too!

OP posts:

Superstoria · 16/05/2024 23:24

RawCarrotsAndSaladcream · 16/05/2024 22:02

I am too. Honestly, the biggest gift you could get your nephew is to open an account and put in a small amount of money in weekly that he can access at age 18. The FC can buy clothes; they are paid an allowance to do just this. If you are supplying clothes, they are making more money!

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This.

I think you’re making a weird mountain out of this molehill. His clothes don’t matter. Concentrate on building rapport with her over things that do.

Mummy3Plus1 · 16/05/2024 23:26

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 19:28

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything.

My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that.

I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year.

I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves?

The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life.

YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together
YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

I have read through your posts and I'm what's called a 'Kinship Foster Carer' which basically means I foster my niece.

Based on your posts I think the foster carer may feel that you are overstepping on her role. Which is effectively to clothe, feed and look after LO. You have made comments about knowing the child better, they know you buy all the child's clothes etc, but have you actually spoken to the FC to decide this? She actually gets paid to do these things and it sounds to me like she is very particular and precise about how she does her job.

As far as the social workers comments about the foster carer that is highly inappropriate and could lead to disciplinary action for disparaging the foster carer.

If the plan is for LO to return home then I would, if I was you (and I was before I chose to become a foster carer to remove my niece from that situation), I would pull back and reframe the relationship. Focus on getting things ready for LO return, if you want to buy clothes, have some for at yours that don't get send home.

Just an fyi too, the contact book is generally used for updates such as X took a nap at Y time, ate XYZ for dinner, had a tumble so put on a cold compress etc. It's not usually used for casual conversation such as this and the fact the foster carer hasn't given you her number would be an indication she doesn't want that type of relationship. Rightly or wrongly, I would respect that if LO is being looked after well, whilst I got everything ready for their return.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:27

Allthesea · 16/05/2024 22:52

Could there possibly be a bit of a class or culture clash going on here?

Is she spending the money on branded sports gear or whatever because this is to her taste, and are you then putting him in dungarees from the likes of Mini Boden?

Edited

Yes, I suppose there could be. I don't know anything about her class or culture, though

She buys very plain generic tracksuits from Primark or H&M. Which is absolutely fine if very boring and not always suitable for the weather. But she does mix up the sets which does make him look quite bedraggled. I'm sure most of the time he is comfortable but it doesn't look like he's been dressed with a family member's love. I don't know if it makes me a snob but I don't like it.

I buy his clothes mainly from the cheaper end of the high street/supermarkets, few bit more expensive bits. Just the same as I dressed my DS when little - bit of a mix of casual to a bit smarter. And he looks gorgeous in the outfits I buy him! 🤩

OP posts:

Cactuslove · 16/05/2024 23:28

Superstoria · 16/05/2024 23:24

This.

I think you’re making a weird mountain out of this molehill. His clothes don’t matter. Concentrate on building rapport with her over things that do.

Show quote history

Of course they matter. They are being picked lovingly by blood relatives who care for him and love him and know him and are wanting him to have what all the other kids in the family has. Because he is a part of their family. He is temporarily looked after by the fc but he is not hers, his identity is intrinsically linked to his aunt and his clothes are a part of that. I do not understand what everyone else isn't understanding.

Perhaps the fc is making a mountain out of a molehill and forgetting her role in this- which is to support this child to have the best bond he can with his birth family- not try and freeze them out.

AMistakePlusKeleven · 16/05/2024 23:32

If you’re moving towards 50/50 why don’t you buy a new wardrobe for when he is with you and you’ll be able to dress him however you want with no worries about upset over the wrong things being in the wrong home.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:33

hawesmead5 · 16/05/2024 22:56

Is she like me and keeps her summer wardrobe in the attic until the warmer weather. Maybe she just hadn't had time to go through it to check sizes? However, she still should have responded in the book. I used to be a Foster carer and I would have written back.

I do that too! But we've had lots of gorgeous weather so thought she would have got it down by now! And that's why I offered to go through it to save her a job. I find it quite rude that she just ignores me!

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:34

Pin0cchio · 16/05/2024 22:58

Amazed by some responses. This is a child unfortunate to have ended up in the care system for whatever reason, but fortunate enough to have a loving Auntie who wants to get him nice clothes. For god sake it should be welcomed that this child has family whp care and want to show it. Its not about whether the foster carer has money or the child needs clothes, its about the someone caring for the child & acting on that.

Thank you for understanding

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:40

PrincessTeaSet · 16/05/2024 23:07

I understand that you want to do everything you can for him and keep him wearing what he would have been if he wasn't in foster care.

I think you're overthinking the nursery thing though. Don't most people send their kids to nursery in cheap or old clothes and save the good stuff for other occasions? He won't be the only one in supermarket clothes. Plus a 3 year old isn't going to notice or care about brands. Not are his friends. It's really only you that cares about this and you are attaching a lot of importance that I don't think it merits. Obviously the situation is going to be traumatic and life changing for him but the clothes are neither here nor there.

Show quote history

No, people put their DC in nice things at his nursery. They have proper aprons and supervision so clothes don't get dirty. He won't be the only one in supermarket clothes but he would be the only one in mismatched clothes.

And no, of course he doesn't care about brands (neither do I) but he likes his dinosaur clothes and he likes to not be too hot.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:42

NeedToChangeName · 16/05/2024 23:10

If she won't disclose her tel no, might she be willing to share her email address (perhaps set up a separate one just for this purpose)?

If so, you could send emails to her, copied to her social worker

It does seem odd she's reluctant to share info

I'll ask about this, thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:45

PurpleBugz · 16/05/2024 23:14

@UndertheCedartree in that case I really would raise it with the SW. she's overstepping. He has a family who love him and are not a risk she should be doing all she can to facilitate that. It sounds like she's on a power trip and likes the control she has. Requesting a new carer would probably be too upsetting for him at such a young age especially as he will be transitioning home soon but it sounds like he's been unlucky in who he was allocated. Roll on your 50/50 time I hope he comes home soon. And definitely get him something special he can have with him on top of the clothes. I remember lots of foster kids really happy when they got something like that it really helped keep their families present for them. Even just a toy from McDonald's was special when it comes from someone you miss and can't be with

Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it. I bought him a super soft bunny at Easter. I like to think of him cuddled up with it at night 💙

OP posts:

SleepPrettyDarling · 16/05/2024 23:46

Poor little man. I think clothes are really important and even very young children have favourite things they love to wear - when my boys were 3 they loved their dino T-shirts! In elder care, it’s understood that having their own clothing and possessions is part of older persons’ dignity.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 23:48

Cactuslove · 16/05/2024 23:14

Completely disagree. Clothes are important and are a way of showing care to a child. For example I want my kids in clean non stained clothes that have been ironed. I know lots of kids go to nursery in their real old stuff and thats fine no judgements. But that's not what I want for mine. Their clothes are still functional and comfy. If my kids or my brothers or cousins kids were in fc I would want them in the clothes they have always been in, the ones I have lovingly picked and cared for and ironed. I don't get what the bleeping issue is.

It's not about money. Or his age and that he doesn't care. It's about his identity. He is not the foster carers child. He is the birth mothers child and has deep connections with her and her family that the clothes represent and help maintain.

OP I hear you and would advise you to escalate to both social workers via email... and would also bring it up at the next review.

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Thank you so much, exactly that.

There's not a mum alive that doesn't dress her DC to look 'nice' whatever that means to them. And just because DN is in FC I will be damned if he doesn't get that too. I can't dress him with love everyday so I will send him his clothes with love.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 00:02

Mummy3Plus1 · 16/05/2024 23:26

I have read through your posts and I'm what's called a 'Kinship Foster Carer' which basically means I foster my niece.

Based on your posts I think the foster carer may feel that you are overstepping on her role. Which is effectively to clothe, feed and look after LO. You have made comments about knowing the child better, they know you buy all the child's clothes etc, but have you actually spoken to the FC to decide this? She actually gets paid to do these things and it sounds to me like she is very particular and precise about how she does her job.

As far as the social workers comments about the foster carer that is highly inappropriate and could lead to disciplinary action for disparaging the foster carer.

If the plan is for LO to return home then I would, if I was you (and I was before I chose to become a foster carer to remove my niece from that situation), I would pull back and reframe the relationship. Focus on getting things ready for LO return, if you want to buy clothes, have some for at yours that don't get send home.

Just an fyi too, the contact book is generally used for updates such as X took a nap at Y time, ate XYZ for dinner, had a tumble so put on a cold compress etc. It's not usually used for casual conversation such as this and the fact the foster carer hasn't given you her number would be an indication she doesn't want that type of relationship. Rightly or wrongly, I would respect that if LO is being looked after well, whilst I got everything ready for their return.

Show quote history

Well, seeing as DN is with me a chunk of time and will be 50:50 I have as much duty to clothe, feed and look after him as she does. I wouldn't call putting mismatching clothes on particular nor feeding toddlers peperami.

As I have said I've tried to arrange meetings with her but she's not interested. But I've told her I will provide his clothes and this far I have.

As for the comments - I think they'd have to discipline the whole local authority and beyond for that matter! Why shouldn't they be honest about the FC so you are least know it's not your fault - they're like it with everyone.

When he gets to go home of course I'll make sure he has clothes there but for now he needs clothes at mine and at the FC's.

And I can't write that DN has had a nap as all hell breaks loose! I do write all the practical bits to help her out. She barely does in return.

Wether she likes it or not we'll be doing 50/50 soon and she will have to communicate with me more. This is not all about her and what relationship she would prefer!

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 00:04

Cactuslove · 16/05/2024 23:28

Of course they matter. They are being picked lovingly by blood relatives who care for him and love him and know him and are wanting him to have what all the other kids in the family has. Because he is a part of their family. He is temporarily looked after by the fc but he is not hers, his identity is intrinsically linked to his aunt and his clothes are a part of that. I do not understand what everyone else isn't understanding.

Perhaps the fc is making a mountain out of a molehill and forgetting her role in this- which is to support this child to have the best bond he can with his birth family- not try and freeze them out.

Show quote history

Thank you so much. She needs to put DN first! She seems unfortunately completely stuck in her ways.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 17/05/2024 00:07

SleepPrettyDarling · 16/05/2024 23:46

Poor little man. I think clothes are really important and even very young children have favourite things they love to wear - when my boys were 3 they loved their dino T-shirts! In elder care, it’s understood that having their own clothing and possessions is part of older persons’ dignity.

I believe this too. I believe DN should have the dignity to be able to wear nice clothes, chosen with love just like the other DC. It is as simple as that. And he will as I'll send half the new clothes to the FC and keep half at my house.

OP posts:

rrrrrreatt · 17/05/2024 00:09

I have no advice on how to address the issue with the foster carer but I wanted to say I understand why the clothes matter to you. Within some families, it’s a way of showing love and that you think about and care for a child.

I’m a very proud aunty and always bought my niece and nephews clothes when they were small (they like to choose now and I just pay). I come from a family where we didn’t always have a lot so your extended family would buy bits too and it was very much framed as aren’t you lucky to have such a lovely aunty/uncle/granny. We have more now so they’d not go without but we all still do it because it’s part of our family’s love language.

It makes me sad your DN’s foster carer doesn’t seem to fully respect your role in his life or want to nurture that connection. You seem like a great aunty, he’s really lucky to have you there to love and care for him when his mum can’t.