To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

[UndertheCedartree]

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything.

My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that.

I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year.

I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves?

The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life.

YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together
YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

I think it might be sensible to direct some of your frustration at the situation and not the foster carer. It must be very difficult to have a stranger looking after a family member and doing things differently to how you or your sister would. This isn't the foster carer's fault. She has stepped into a situation that you wouldn't have chosen to be in. The longer the thread is going on, the more it seems to me that you need to be right and you need her to be in the wrong, which is beginning to seem counterproductive to me. You both have to care for your nephew and you need the relationship to work. I think you've had some good advice to speak to the social worker about it to see if communication can be improved. Focus on building that relationship now, not rubbishing her.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Sorry for the explanations around things you're already well across and when you're already a great advocate for your DN needs. Its lovely he has you there. You sound like a fantastic Aunty. I'd be a lot less worried about my DC future if I knew they had someone like you to fight their corner if I couldn't care for them for a time.

Your nephew is so lucky as a child I was a lac and I had a foster carer who wanted to be my mum it was so confusing

It’s really tricky because you are supposed to treat the child like your own in most ways, but not in others.

The DC doesn’t know which family they feel part of- the one they are with, or the one they are born to. It would happen that strangers would assume I was mummy. DC wanted to call me mummy. I wasn’t supposed to let them, as they have a mummy. I didn’t let them and regret that hugely.

Can you see it as being a bit like divorced parents? You each have different expectations and just have to accept that the other doesn’t share them?

I think this is fair. It’s also possible that the fact the OP isn’t the child’s mother, and doesn’t have PR, though she will be sharing his care with FC 50/50, is complicating relationships. I mean, the birth family/FC relationship can be complex at best.

He had a mix of sizes as to what fit. I think at this point she's not going to engage so I'll just go out and get his clothes and if some fit from last year then he'll just have extra. I do always keep some at mine but obviously things get mixed up where he is back and forth. I don't want to just let her but his clothes as I want him to be dressed with love like all the other DC. I'll get clothes that can be mixed and matched to make it easier for FC.

Yes it is weird as does she think I'll feed my DC dinner and just give him his 'packed lunch'. It's such a pain I have to 'hide it' from him. I think I'll just start throwing it away. I've asked her enough times not to send it.

The thing with the bags is there are some things he needs so I end up searching through all the bags looking for the item. All the while the toddler is pulling it all out looking for his lunchbox full of treats! 😂

And yes, I hold onto that.

I'm not asking for you to agree or disagree. I just asked how I can communicate with the SW as she ignores me. You said have meetings but she refuses. You said I shouldn't be told how difficult she is which would mean me getting more upset which hardly aids communication. What was your advice?

You can't make a distinction between your life and their job? What does that even mean?

And thanks, I do enjoy my time with DN.

Yes, obviously I understand FC are in short supply. She may be great at communicating with toddlers but not adults, perhaps!

That must be very painful when you have developed a bond.

I'd be quite happy to stay in touch if it makes it easier for DN. But I doubt she'd be bothered and it would just be very one sided. I may be wrong. I think from my experience dealing with SWs and in this case the FC is so hard, I can imagine just wanting to forget it and move on. It's very traumatic them going into FC in the first place. And then the FC wanting to shut out the family, it's very, very hard.

Go through the social worker.

No, just nursery and me. She isn't expected to write much in the nursery book and can leave a bag there if it is easier (My DC were at the same nursery.) I get writing in the book is an extra thing to do. But I do it. I make the effort and after all it is her job. He doesn't come to me straight from nursery.

She is welcome to a private home life. I'm not interested in going in to her house. I just think it would be nicer for DN rather than having to use transport for everything. (He goes to nursery in transport too.) She could drop him to me if she doesn't want me going to her house. But anyway, that's her decision at the end of the day. It just feels very cold and impersonal, I suppose.

Do you mean most people feed toddlers on UPF high in sugar and salt? Not in my experience. The NHS specifically advises against that. Out of interest is there no expectation on a FC to feed the DC healthily? I mean I assumed she would feed him healthy meals at her house but maybe not? The point is I can't dictate what she feeds him at hers. She wants to feed him rubbish, I can't stop her (not saying she does just feed him rubbish.) But when he is with me I provide him with the same healthy meals I feed my own DC and I don't need her sending a load of junk food with him.

I take your point we're all different with what we consider 'healthy' or 'junk' but surely basic health advise by the NHS is the minimum? Surely everyone knows you don't give peperami to toddlers??

Yes, I know what you mean. I've kept it all bottled up for so long it's all coming out! I know I sound critical but I usually keep it all to myself. She is just exhausting. I dread the next thing I've done 'wrong.'

Yes, you're right I clearly am banging my head against a brick wall with trying to communicate. Maybe I should just communicate with her how she communicates with me? But then I'd not hear the end of it! If she asks me a question and I don't reply immediately she's straight onto the SW to complain!

Oh, I do have so much frustration with the situation too.

And as I have said, I accept when he is with her she looks after him completely differently to how we do. I don't think I should micromanage. I have to believe DN is ok with her.

I have tried so, so hard to build a relationship. But I guess I'm tired of it now. I needed to vent, that's all. I'm exhausted. And I just wish she could just be a tiny bit less exhausting herself. Just have a tiny bit of compassion, maybe. But I'm probably expecting too much. I have spoken to the SW before about communication not being forthcoming and I will try again.

That's really nice of you, thank you.

Oh, bless you, I'm sorry.

Yes, but no, but…

I fed my kids well but culturally it’s not standard.
My friends did too.
But me and my friends and you aren’t the majority.

If you look at what’s sold in massive quantities in supermarkets, a hell of a lot of people are feeding kids chicken fridge raiders and snack attacks.

I would like to agree that NHS standards should be followed at all times.

Pragmatism suggests that we have to accept it’s not happening.

If care was ideal, we wouldn’t work so hard to keep our kids out of it.
If being a foster carer was easy, there would be more of them.

It’s not ideal. It is what it is. You do what you can, both as foster carer and relative.

You might have to be the bigger person here I'm afraid as you don't want his placement to breakdown I assume and you don't want to disrupt the plans for 50/50. You can't micro manage his care with her. Hope it all goes ok with the 50/50.

Yes, I understand it is a fine line. But surely it must depend on what family the DC has and what contact they have, what they can provide.

I know I keep going on about clothes but we have no need for anyone else to buy his clothes. We need someone to look after him some of the time, yes and are very grateful of course. I wish I could say for how long but I can't right now. Maybe that would make it easier?

I am divorced and have a great co-parenting relationship and I think communication is the key! But like I said I don't micromanage my ex and I don't micromanage FC. So yes, I do accept she does things differently. The other way round though, she tries to dictate everything! If my ex phoned me and said 'what summer clothes could X do with?' - I'd just tell him!

But the FC doesn't have PR either, only his mum does.

But yes, it's certainly complex.

Oh, yes, fridge raiders is another favourite of hers! 😂

I guess we surround ourselves with like minded people so healthy eating seems 'normal'.

But no, I completely take your point. Of course FC isn't going to be perfect. Of course I'm not perfect. I don't expect that. I bite my tongue about the food she sends. I just say it's not needed. I wish she could realise I don't micromanage her so why does she feel the need to micromanage me?

But in what way have I micromanaged his care with her?

And why does she think it's ok to micromanage my care of DN?

I thought that the placing local authority shared PR with the parent in certain situations, like a child placed under a care order.

No, not in all cases.

Honestly, OP, I can’t help feeling the clothes and packed lunches situation is the tip of an understandably complex iceberg of feelings here. You almost don’t mention your sister, probably for good reasons, but I can’t help wondering whether some of this frustration with the FC is displaced feelings about your sister, and whatever situation has meant she’s been unable to care for her own child, or guilt that your own circumstances meant you couldn’t care for him FT yourself (or any other family member for that matter). The clothes in particular seem as if you’re very set on them as signals that this child is loved, this child has a caring, involved birth family, this child isn’t just another child in care, who’s sent out in mismatching cheap clothes and cheap food as some kind of signals of institutionalisation.

I absolutely sympathise with what sounds like a difficult and complex situation, but it sounds to me as if it would be useful to talk your own feelings through with a therapist, because there’s a lot more going on here than a wrangle about non-fitting summer outfits.

I think if she is not replying she doesn't need them. I would put the money in a savings account for him instead.

I don't mention my sister specifically to avoid people being nasty about her. I had it on another thread. People always assume the FC has been taken away which is not the case here. But you have to spend more and more time having to explain that and talk about things you find upsetting. It has worked much better just saying I will not talk about that.

Yes, I have guilt. And sure that is probably displaced on things like the food. But the point is I don't tell her what she can feed him, I don't complain about it. I simply have asked her not to send all these treats as it is a pain!

And yes, having spoken to my BF a lot about it (who was fostered) - I absolutely do not want that for DN. And it doesn't have to be his experience. If she can't communicate with me about what he needs, fine, I'll stop expecting that. But I'm not going to stop buying his clothes.

But yes, you are right, it is so traumatic being shut out of your DN's life when he needs you the most. I will look for a therapist, thank you.