To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

[UndertheCedartree]

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything.

My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that.

I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year.

I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves?

The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life.

YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together
YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

I would speak to the social worker to do some mediation between you. The naps and the messy bag would be really annoying, I don’t think that’s her necessarily being difficult but you should be able to communicate.

sharing the clothes

This would not be allowed SW check that children have their own things and are well cared for

She does read the book. She responds to some things sometimes!

It's not that I can't see what size his top is. It's that I want to know if any of his clothes still fit from last year. I know with mine dungarees and stretchy shorts would last a couple of years.

This would not be allowed SW check that children have their own things and are well cared for

Don’t be so sure, when my children were placed for adoption their foster carers sent entirely new wardrobes with them (things clearly taken out of packets etc). The foster carers had multiple children and shared clothes and toys between all of them. It was a very long time before my two understood the concept of things that belonged to them and things that belong to others because they were so used to communal everything.

Clothes can represent so much feelings for families. I know you said you want him to look nice, so I'm wondering whether the foster carer has different ideas about nice to you? I've seen conflict over the size clothes kids need, and things like whether babies should be in comfy clothes or cute little dresses. If a family puts their kids in nice tracksuits and trainers but foster carers are happy for them to go out in hand me down old jeans it can really feel like they're not maintaining their identity. Just curious as to whether this could be a more sensitive issue than it first seems.

I KNOW it's considered very bad form in reputable fostering, I wouldn't have commented without actual knowledge.

Yes this specific issue of taste and style difference is in some foster carer training, maybe not every LA and agency but some.

I don't think she gets much - she panics if anything is left at mine. She buys him just very generic tracksuits.Which is fine as she probably can't afford it. But I like to see him dressed nicely and to be able to wear shorts and t-shirts and dungarees. I suppose when you have lost so much it is nice to feel useful in some way. She knows I will provide all his clothes. In the recent warm weather she sent him in tracksuits so perhaps he has grown out of it all. Obviously it's good she has money for buying basic vests and socks etc. I still have plenty for days out.

I mean she could answer and let me know what he needs and I'll send 'less stuff' or she can ignore me and I'll have to assume he needs everything which means 'more stuff' so seems an odd plan!

He definitely needs summer clothes and she is aware I buy most of his clothes.

That would make me really sad if she doesn't see it as my role to buy him his clothes. I'm his aunty and while his mum can't I think I owe it to her to make sure he is dressed nicely. Not sure what you disapprove of about lovely little boys clothes. I only bought a few spring outfits as I was waiting to hear from her. I'll just get a mix of some casual/slightly smarter bits, along with a couple of summer hats and a rash suit and some crocs. Should cover the basics. Then I can just ask her to let me know if he needs anything else.

Oh, I was hoping a foster carer would answer! I try to say thank you to her about something every time I write and comment on what she may write to me and answer promptly if she asks me anything. But I feel I must be getting this all wrong. I just love my little nephew so much. I want to be in his life as much as I can. But she seems to just want to shut me out 😭

So would it be reasonably expected for her to communicate with me via the book? I do have the email of the SSW.

Well, occasionally. I ask her to let me know what he has been doing so I can talk to him about it. She either ignores or gives me a generic list. I often have to ask a question more than once for her to answer.

However, she gives lots of instructions in the book, telling me how I should be looking after DN. Anything she asks me I answer. She likes to know certain things each time which I remember to write. So not sure she doesn't like the book, but only one way!

If she has no clue - she is very welcome to say that! She has no other DC currently so the summer clothes are all his.

Do you not get the summer clothes out as the weather gets warmer and sorted what they have grown out of and what still fits? I have offered to do it for her too!

I can't leave it as he needs summer clothes. I do keep some here so I can change him if necessary. But he needs clothes at the foster carers too.

Usually yes, unless there was some major issue - eg such as you passing on information to parents that could put the carer/child at risk. There is a general expectation on foster carers should make the effort to support connections with the childs family unless there's any safeguarding reasons not to, because it's about doing what is best for the child in their care.
Though it could be simple things such as the foster carer being accustomed to sharing communication books only with parents and therefore being in the habit of only providing updates about certain topics, or they might feel they shouldn't be mentioning clothes because they receive a clothing allowance, or maybe they're just busy with multiple children and forget to write in the book. But whatever it is, the SSW can help meditate to find a solution that fits both of you.

Are you definitely sure the clothes went with him into care? I don't think you're being unreasonable but if you're able to communicate through the book about other things then it seems a bit strange. Or maybe she hasn't kept them and thinks you might want them back?

I'm a children's social worker and would hope the foster carer would be doing all they can to promote the relationship between you and nephew.

If you contacted me as his social worker, I would raise it with the foster carers supervising social worker. Do you attend his CLA reviews as you could raise it there if it was to continue.

You need to ask the SW for a contact review, this reviews how contact is going and set outs boundaries and expectations and who should do what, when, how etc etc

She wont necessarily be able to tell you about care planning or thing really personal about him but advising you what clothes he needs or doesnt need is perfectly reasonable.

Hmmm...I assumed it wasn't much because if something is left here she panics like a hat. I have bought her a few extra of things like that so it doesn't matter if one is left behind which happens sometimes with the best will in the world. The clothes she provides are fine. It is not a criticism of her. But they are basic and generic. He'd wear a tracksuit every day of his life. But I know his mum would want him to be dressed a bit nicer. She is reassured that I provide his clothes. I suppose I want him to be wearing clothes like the other DC at nursery whose parents have dressed them. Not looking like 'the poor foster kid'. This was my friend and it affected her a lot. I thank her for things all the time. I have never criticised her care. I know he is basically looked after. I am grateful for that as I can't care for him full time myself and his mum can't have him right now. But I just don't understand her attitude! I'm so sorry I think this has turned into a vent. It's all built up since September! She insists on sending food for him when I have him. I've told her politely that there is no need. I've told her I enjoy making him food. I've told her he enjoys us having our meals together. She still sends food! It's the type of food I'd never give him but I bite my tongue as I know we all do it differently. Why does she not think I am capable of feeding him??

@UndertheCedartree

It seems like there's a lot going on under the surface that might be best resolved by attending/being invited to attend his next review and having some say. You can ask to attend as an involved adult.

I suppose all I can say to the SW is I am doing my utter best to engage, to understand hers is a difficult job, to do things her way as much as possible. I can't always remember the exact way she had her bag packed. I have suggested she just packs the bag I have provided with the odd thing I might need but she packs multiple bags that I then have to hunt through for the item I need and then she moans I forgot exactly how she'd packed it all. Stop sending it all then! I have to laugh or I'd cry! In my head I think she must just be really eccentric! 😂

I'm sorry to hear that 😔

It’s strange that yous communicate through a book, has it always been like this or was there an issue between yous? I only ask because my nieces foster carer used to call/message me a lot and I would pick her up from their house for days out, we got on well. As for clothing, they get money each month for clothes, she probably isn’t replying because she doesn’t feel it necessary that you buy him things, or maybe feels it would reflect badly on her, like you’re implying she’s not providing him with sufficient clothing.

Oh no absolutely having written this it's all coming up!!

He's our little boy. Not hers! 😭

I don't want him being obviously the 'foster kid' at nursery due to the basics clothes. I want him to be dressed to his personality and just individual and things that will really suit him!

He's always had a mix of clothes. Some cheaper, some a bit more expensive. Some just comfy casuals, some a little more smart. A bit of a mix for different occasions but nothing too extreme in one direction or other.

And he's going through a tough time right now. He should be wearing clothes that link him to his mummy.

I’m wondering if it’s maybe your wording “send me the clothes and I’ll see if they fit” is unusual and she might not know which clothes you’ve bought and which have come from someone else or she’s got herself.

maybe rewording to something like “I’m planning on getting x some new clothes for summer - what does he need”?

While it’s not your intention, it might sound a bit like you’re checking up on what she’s done with his clothes and it’s got her back up maybe.

Well, what's she done with all his clothes then? Why is it so hard to sort this out?