To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

[UndertheCedartree]

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything.

My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that.

I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year.

I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves?

The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life.

YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together
YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

Reading your posts OP, I wonder whether she feels you'd pass information on to your nephew's parents. My only experience in this is as family member of DC in foster care, and their wider family have deliberately not been told where they are to prevent the birth parents from making contact. You've mentioned his mum sending him a Christmas tracksuit; how much is mum allowed to be in touch with / told about what's happening with the foster carer?

You're being argumentative with me for literally no reason.

The foster carer is doing their job and doing it well from what you have said. You appear to be misdirecting your frustration at her for some reason.

My advice to you was to respect her boundaries, stop pushing and thinking you can tell her things like you will be buying all the clothes. As much as I can understand why you would want to, that's not your place currently. Without PR honestly you have very few rights to do absolutely anything, let alone insist on things and I say that because even now as a foster carer for my niece I still have very little rights. The situation is extremely difficult and by worrying about things such as mismatched clothes you're making them unnecessarily harder for yourself. You will need to learn to pick your battles or you will drive yourself crazy.

To clarify, I said the SW should not be disparaging the FC. It's highly inappropriate, especially where the FC is admittedly looking after LO well.

Well, I know he needs summer clothes as he must have grown out of some of them and she's not been putting him in any. Maybe he's just grown out of them all. I'll just start from scratch and then I know he'll have everything he needs.

He already has an account.

DN only has his mum. She has full parental responsibility and sees DN as much as she can. She is told everything. No issues around that.

I think it’s lovely that this child in foster care has a family member who cares enough to buy him things and make him feel like he’s still part of the family.

It’s a lot different than a government/council funded clothes allowance.

SW surely should encourage and facilitate this.

If foster person is discouraging communication from family by ignoring it then I would question why and complain quickly.

The FC doesn't have PR either. Only DN's mum does. And she wants me to buy his clothes.

As you say as a FC you do not have those rights. My sister does.

And what I told you is this FC has a reputation across the whole LA and beyond. And it is right for people to point out that everyone finds her a nightmare to work with not just me!

Thank you for understanding.

I am a retired social worker and I now sit on fostering panels. If we had information saying the a foster carer was not communicating with the birth family in the way which had been planned we would have some tough questions to ask. Communication and links with birth families is immensely important for any child in care. Some carers think they know better and need to be reined in. The social worker should mediate in cases like this.

Thank you. I just want to my very best for DN and it is so hard with no communication.

Even those who are saying she might be ignoring me because he has enough clothes. How hard is it to write 'DN has plenty of clothes right now, thank you.'

It’s a pretty decent amount, I used to get £450 a week for my 2

That's not just for clothes, though is it?

At the beginning she would panic if something got left at mine and get the SW to go out of her way to pick it up! I assumed she had no money to replace the items. And as I said she only buys very basic clothes. I have made sure she now has multiple items so if something gets left at mine it's not the end of the world. I've told the SW so she can just reassure the FC I will send it back next time and DN can wear his other coat for now or whatever. I know some people are just naturally anxious about everything and I think she must be like that and I suppose that is probably why she micromanages so much.

This.

Our communication book was for contact updates, not general things like clothes because I was paid to buy clothes.

What about this:

If she sends him something that does not fit or is not weather appropriate, and it was something you or your family purchased, replace with new clothing that fits properly. Then write in the book, “I’ve replaced X with a new summer outfit in his current size.” Or whatever.

Along with that, ask her via the book to send anything that you purchased that no longer fits so you can replace it and pass it along to another family member.

So are you saying it is just one way?

DN's mother has PR and her decision is that I provide most of his clothes. Noone else has a problem with that.

How are family meant to communicate with the FC beyond 'contact updates'?

She won't send him in clothes that don't fit but she'll send him in one of her tracksuits or another outfit I've bought him - tracksuit, jeans and top etc. Then I'll change him into t-shirt and shorts or whatever. I could just change him and gradually the summer clothes will filter through!

I have already asked her to send his summer clothes back but it's been ignored. Someone said she's probably sold them! Can any foster carer answer? Would she have done that? It doesn't seem quite right.

This would be maddening for me.
Not knowing her personality or how she’d react would be the worst part. My first thought was that she sold them, but I have no basis for that and she sounds very controlling.

It would be hard not to get passive aggressive about it.

But you sound lovely and it’s wonderful he will be with you 50:50 soon. I know it’s not MN-correct but I’ve said a little prayer now for your sister and her son, you as well. 💐

I packaged up special clothes and saved them for memory boxes.
But my families sent very little- it would be a denim jacket 6 years too big that had belonged to another family child, or a summer frock that fitted perfectly in November.
I’d take a photo and package up the clothes.

Nothing was sold.

We kept a cupboard of Just In Case clothes as well.

Mine also wore our own family hand me downs, as well as having new clothes of their own. I bought quality duffle coats that lasted several children, for example. They were our family as well as someone else’s family.

We also had a pretty big house without storage problems. Not everyone does.

Just as an aside, I don’t buy clothes according to your system at all. When you mentioned the clothes show, or fashion show, earlier I laughed. Mine would have absolutely hated that. I struggled to get them to try new clothes on before deciding to keep them, let alone last year’s. I bought what they needed as and when, keeping a mental list of whose trousers looked a bit skimpy or who didn’t have a lightweight jacket when we needed one last week.
Waterproofs were bought in every size and hung under the stairs. You grabbed one that fitted.

Families/households all have different systems that work for them.

It is maddening! Thank you for the prayer - very kind of you.

If you have him twice a week you can see what size clothes he is wearing then and also you can judge by looking at him . Not to mention you can also try clothes against him to make sure. Also of course you can often buy the clothes that are the child's age and they'll fit too. I believe they get a clothing allowance so that could be why the foster carer isn't taking an interest as they know that that is sorted and they choose the clothes your nephew wears. I agree that you could speak to social services as they must have approved you to have your nephew twice a week so they would no doubt speak to you about clothing x

You clearly have your DN's best interests at heart. Yes there are some FC who are not very good at their job just like all professions but FC are expected to be saints, it's extremely hard emotionally to look after small children knowing they will not stay with you. I understand why clothes are important to you but you are obsessing about it which won't do anyone any good. I once looked after a child who's mother was in prison. Her sister (the auntie) had a child at the same school. The aunty would call the social worker and say that I had sent him to school in tracksuit bottoms (I hadn't, but he got wet and muddy in the playground and the school had changed him) or he was crying at pick up time and looked unhappy (this was because a kid had picked on him that day). You get the picture. It becomes very wearing whichbis why I tried to keep a distance. There were no books in those days.

I would just leave it about the clothes you bought last year and buy him some clothes if you want to. He's sure to have gone up a size by now or to do so soon. The foster carer may think you are checking to see if he wore the clothes you bought . She likely won't even remember what you bought as she would have received clothing when your nephew went there and also social services drop clothes in themselves when they get donations and also as I said foster carers get allowances for clothing x

That sounds nice keeping things for memory boxes.

DN has the wool duffle my DC had. Just thinking - do you think she'll give that back? I'd be quite sad if she got rid of it.

Is it ok to ask for his clothes back?

I know people have different systems. And the 'fashion show' is what one of mine liked to do. Those that don't you do it more gradually.

How would you know if you had enough clothes for going on holiday if you only buy them something new once you noticed what they were wearing was too small? And why would you want to squeeze them into too small clothes? Or for them to not have a jacket when needed? I do find your system a bit strange! 😂

Besides, I offered to do the job for her so I wasn't insisting she follow 'my system'.

The issue isn't that I can't buy him his clothes in the right size, I just wanted to know if anything from last year still fit so I knew what he needed!

The FC is well aware I buy most of his clothes. I bought his autumn/winter/spring clothes.

Definitely ask for the duffle and explain it is special.
It can be hard to keep track, especially if there is more than one child in placement.

Re noticing the clothes, I just mentally did it. No one was squeezed into anything because you tended to notice things getting small or that the current size jacket was a bit heavy so keep an eye out for a lighter one.

I had six dc at one point (complicated circumstances, not ideal). I didn’t ever get everything out and sort, I’d never arrive at the end of the job! I did gazillions of loads of washing, fished out anything that looked worn, bought what caught my eye at the shops…

I wasn’t buying for DC that didn’t live with me, so maybe that made it more intuitive.

Anyway I’m stepping away as you come across as quite critical and I don’t think my contribution is helping.
No one knows what she’s thinking, just what we’ve thought in similar situations.

There’s a lot to fostering- meetings, records, medicals, on top of contact and the general day to day of looking after the children and household.

I have had difficult family members and I have known difficult foster carers.
It’s both work and home, so can be a strangely sensitive role. And obviously it’s hugely important.

It’s fostering fortnight at the moment and I’d love to do it again. DH has said absolutely not. 😅 I’ve said, maybe when we retire 😅

Well, you know what it's like for me then! She constantly criticises me to the SW! It is very wearing.

And looking after my DN is extremely hard emotionally for other reasons.

I just don't want her to make it so hard on top of this. Just communicate. 'I haven't got his summer clothes out/I've got rid of his summer clothes/He doesn't need any new summer clothes/He needs shorts and t-shirts but the rompers still fit/I'm not sure what he needs but I'll let you know when I do' Is it so hard to just write a sentence? Is that really, honestly too hard for a FC?