Is he paying enough?

[Havett]

Ex earns over double what I earn. He’s on 85k.

Cms calculates this as 860 a month. He pays 1,000. Nursery is 1,200.

I feel like he should pay more given his high salary. I know legally cms says 860 and he’s already paying more. But he does zero for dd. Literally nothing. Would you ask for more given he’s earning so much

How sad for your daughter that her dad doesn’t want to see her and spend time with her and that it sounds like neither do you. So many women are scared to leave relationships because they can’t bear the thought of having to give up their young children for part of the week whilst they have contact with their dad, and here you are saying you resent having to care for yours outside of nursery hours. Most loving parents don’t mind paying for clothes/ furniture etc and enjoy spending time with their kids. It’s awful her dad has checked out of parenting and awful that you resent him because you’re left with her. Why don’t you just put her in foster care so neither of you have to care for her and be done with it?

He SHOULD be paying above what he needs to. That should be the norm! All men should.

I'm a single mum who gets way less than OP, again it's not a race to the bloody bottom! Who cares if she is better off than most single mums, all that means is that we are the chumps here.

So what would be enough? Sounds like you think nothing will be good enough he's not suppose to fund the ops lifestyle it's not a wage. Sounds like some people have kids for money.

No one is saying he should fund OP's lifestyle. He should fund his CHILD'S lifestyle. A man who earns well should want to give his child all they can, not just the bare minimum.

I'm not sure I would be rocking the boat when he's paying over CMS.

@Beezknees he's not paying the bare minimum. Who says he's not giving his child all he can. £1000 a month on one child is a lot. And that is without the mothers contribution. Add in the mothers contribution and the child should have everything she possibly needs plus a lot of what she wants.

The dad's take home pay has £2500 coming out of it before he ever spends a penny on his own expenses. OP seems to think after his mortgage is paid she should be entitled to the rest!! There are plenty of bills and living expenses that eat into wages very quickly.

The man had a baby with a woman. The woman appears to be relatively financially comfortable and managing. Yet some people here seem to think the man should make himself destitute "just because". He is paying MORE THAN ENOUGH. His daughter is not doing without. His ex is not struggling. He has voluntarily paid above what has been calculated as his contribution. He is paying a lot of money already.

The fact he doesn't see his child is a separate issue. I'm not defending that.

That, along with saying money is tight (whether it is or not) doesn’t bode well for him agreeing to pay more when he’s already contributing £140 over what he’s required to pay. If you have a relatively civil relationship with him despite his refusal to see dd I’d leave it alone. £1000 a month is not terrible, given the circumstances.

I haven’t read the full thread but I’m assuming he hasn’t gone on to remarry / have more children - if he does he may well look to reduce dd’s payments, especially if the new rules take family circumstances and other outgoings into account and he could get a lower required payment and I’d venture to say this becomes more likely the longer he goes without seeing her.

In short, I’d leave it for now.

Yes, he is. Maybe it’s time for you to stop whining and increase your own income.

The thing is though, if he actually saw his child he wouldn't have to pay so much! So I have absolutely no sympathy about him paying "a lot of money". If he was a decent parent then I'd have more sympathy, but actually I DO think that men who don't bother with their kids SHOULD be left destitute.

And the fact that he doesn't see his child is not a separate issue, in fact it's very much linked because if he saw his child he'd be paying less. That's how it works.

Do you normally struggle with reading comprehension?

At least you get £7 a week!

I don't hasn't paid it since November 🤣

Some of the replies on this thread are shocking. I can’t believe there are women here telling another woman she is being grabby for expecting the other parent to contribute as much as she is and the shaming is extraordinary. Of course it’s not ok for one parent to have ZERO involvement in childcare. I don’t care how much he pays. He could pay 20k and the mother - working herself AND doing all the parenting- would still be disadvantaged because she has a child in tow for life. Honestly mind blown at how shitty, nasty and race-to-the-bottom some of the comments here are. It’s totally irrelevant if someone else recieves 25p. No one should be receiving so little! Never mind telling others to be grateful because so and so’s ex pays nothing. Best of luck to you op x

Uggh this thread is unbelievable.

I hope OP has long gone.

Genuinely interested, for those adamant he should pay more, because of his lack of interest in the child - what’s the magic formula?

I didn't even want maintenance.
I was happy to have my wonderful daughter with me in a house I could afford.
I did receive some.
Years later csa came along and put the amount down.
Ex paid the same
Then csa then put it up and I said to ex - paid the same ( and if csa asked I'd say he was paying it)
Because it was never about the money.

I never got any CM was offered it via csa but i turned it down.

Like you it was not about money i just loved being a mum.

@earther you can love being a mum and still want men to do right financially by their child.

Sadly the right thing, in my case , was not to get divorced.
But that was his choice.
All the money in the world could not change that.
I had no interest in his money after that.
I provided my child with everything she needed.
And some years later I was lucky enough to meet a good man who I eventually married. And later had another child.
It's all ancient history now.
3 grandchildren later.
It was never about the money.

With all due respect, if you have grandchildren this was obviously a while ago. The cost of living has ROCKETED since Covid, with rent costs in the thousands for most people, my energy bill is £200 a month.

It doesn't make you a better parent not taking money from your ex. Love doesn't pay the bills or put food on the table. It's great that you managed without it, but it's not a bad thing to want financial support for a child that two people helped create.

Doesn’t suggest this at all
My friend was paying £750 monthly for his child - offered this straight away and has never missed a payment - but his ex went to CMS as thought she was entitled to more. Not his fault at all
(incidentally the CMS then said he should only be paying £340 a month….)
Anyway, my point is you can’t assume that someone was “made” to go to CMS!!

@LittleMousewithcloggson
Did your friend reduce his payment?
My ex didn't.
We just carried on.
I think it worked for us because we always dc first.
As long as she was ok.
She had holidays , clothes and toys from ex.
My friend gave his ex wife a large pay out from the house on the understanding that the maintenance would be 'x' amount. Then the csa came along .....

@Beezknees
Yes it was some years ago
But either way I would have made it work.
As long as we both put our dc first that was the important thing.
I didn't want to drive him into ground financially, well because, he was my child's father, and she loved him.

Yes he did
But only because of the behaviour of the ex and the fact he had already given her 80% of the family home sale (so she had no mortgage to pay in the place she now owns outright)
He has put the extra he was paying into a savings account in his child’s name instead