Is he paying enough?

[Havett]

Ex earns over double what I earn. He’s on 85k.

Cms calculates this as 860 a month. He pays 1,000. Nursery is 1,200.

I feel like he should pay more given his high salary. I know legally cms says 860 and he’s already paying more. But he does zero for dd. Literally nothing. Would you ask for more given he’s earning so much

Actually he is paying above the fixed amount.

I am in no way defending the ex because I think it’s shocking to not see his own child,
but I think OP is misdirecting the issue here
and that is the point I was trying to make.

@Havett

crumbpet well I’m doing 100% of the care so should I be paying for that as well as doing it?

Ummmmm she's at nursery so you're not doing 100% of the care are you?

He's paying more than he legally has to - he sounds quite reasonable in that respect.

They are both valid issues and she can raise both.

@Blushingm true but im doing 100% of carr outside of nursery. And during nursery I work, as does he. So it’s not remotely close to equal is it?

Classic MN tactic. It’s like a dream world in here sometimes.

He can say ‘no’ by not having unprotected sex. I presume this woman didn’t rape him or steal his sperm.

Er... because he is her parent?

Of course she is, nursery is not the equivalent of being a stay at home parent, nursery aren't doing housework, shopping, cooking, life admin, night wakes etc. she is the person who has to deal with sickness etc 100%.
What a silly comment.

Between housing, feeding, heating, clothing and entertaining her child... A hell of a lot more than that!

I don't think she's complaining (whingeing is such a rude choice of word).

The point is that raising their joint child is having a higher impact on her financially, physical and mental resources than his.

I hate this mentality that it's basically a woman's job to do this and if dad throws her a (much smaller percentage of his income than she will be using of hers) towards the upbringing of their joint child she should be grovelingly grateful.

The OP has confirmed that they both planned and wanted their child.
Would it be ok now if she just made 'some contribution' because they have split.
Their DC would be removed and put in care if she behaved like he is. And people would definitely not be defending her, saying 'ah but she did at least pay some money'.

I know someone that had this scenario. He then paid just the required amount through CMS. So she lost money overall.

Well personally I hate this mentality that throwing money at the situation will somehow make up for the DC not have a Dad in their life.

OP has not said once they actually need the money or is struggling financially, just that they think they should have more and I think that is pretty off when they already get above CMS.

But each to their own…….

How are some people on here giving props to a man who has nothing to do with own child? Because he is paying a bit more than CMS (notoriously crap btw) have deemed this man should pay...what a true prince among men.

Raise the bar, for fuck sake.

OP, I think there is no harm in asking. If he drops the money down because of this, it seems he would of probably done that anyway at some point if you pissed him off.

It isn't 'throwing money' it's relieving some if the financial pressure seeing as he does not take his fair share of pressure elsewhere.

The additional money can relieve some of the disproportionate stress on OP... meal deliveries, activities to keep DC entertained without having to do it on a shoestring, getting decorators in instead of DIY, having a cleaner etc. It helps balance out the unfair workload of parenting on her.

And? She doesn't have to. He can walk away so can she if she resents her child that much.

You don't have zero break. You have child care. Take a day off.

He's not paying you to care for her! That's ridiculous. You aren't an employee.

@crumbpet no he’s not. That’s exactly my point. He should be. If he had care of his daughter 24/7 he’d have to pay for childcare to get a break. Instead he uses me… for free.

This thread has become a pile on and I think the OP would be well advised to step away

OP I can hear your anger and I agree with you - it's not fair that some parents (mostly men) are able to create a child and walk away.

Then be hailed as kings if they at least provide a bit of support financially, whereas you do everything, all the mental load, all the day to day care and get no praise whatsoever and if you dare complain or god forbid, ask for a bit more help in whatever way you can, you are slated.

I really do get it and society really sucks with a lot of peoples mindsets to this kind of situation.

I'm sorry you ended up with a deadbeat as your child's father. I hope you are able to eventually find peace with it.

Oh for goodness sake! She doesn’t resent her child, she clearly resents the man for walking away. He is the one who resents the child or he’d see his own child.

The pile on at OP or any parent for wanting to be rewarded for caring for their child is just breathtaking.

In another 10 minutes, a SAHM will be along with a thread and MN will be wanging on about family pots, getting DH to pay her pension contributions, equal access to money, dad’s turn to take over childcare when he gets home.

Why the difference? A SAHM is basically being paid by her partner to care for the kids and gets a break. Yet OP has be grateful for whatever she’s given and gets no credit for doing all the work.

Of course it's zero break. OP will be WORKING while her child is at childcare. Taking the odd day off barely makes a difference. Are you a lone parent?

I understand your frustration, but your choice is accept the £1000 or it drops to £860. There is nothing you can do.