to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

Mn has absolutely shown me another side of life which you normally don’t get insight in to. A random colleague isn’t going to tell you about their gaslighting husband, for example.

i think it’s common, but not normal. No one ever starts threads just saying how lovely their life is so many things are skewed.

im glad for the support women can get here but wish everyone wouldn’t be so trusting, there are SO many trolls and it never fails to astound me how many people fall for it

I totally agree with you. It's difficult to forget some of the threads.

Yes me. I grew up in the 1970s when women were fighting for equality and we were all fierce feminists. I despair that young women today are still putting up with all sorts of abuse. I'm not victim blaming but you see all sorts of threads saying things like...he never does any housework, wont care for the children, spends all his wages on himself etc. But they love him and expect him to change.

It makes me angry to be honest. I am one of these women and I am so angry at the men who belittle and gaslight women, destroying their happiness and mental health, bullying them and often their children, all usually geared around having everything exactly how they want it at home, never being asked to do anything like domestic chores or childcare and pretending to the outside world that they're the consummate family man. Mumsnet helped me hugely to see that what was going on in my relationship wasn't my fault, because I saw dozens and dozens of other women with scarily similar partners, all asking the same thing.

You won't get a good impression of men from Mumsnet, but I'm pretty old, and sadly it does reflect what I've experienced, and what I've seen friends, relatives and strangers go through.

I'm not sure relationships work out well for women, but romance and coupledom is pushed relentlessly down our throats.

The good thing with MN is the support and advice women give each other in these situations. I’ve learnt so much about which organisations can help and getting ducks in a row. All the red flags that posters alert women to is also very eye opening
At least if someone came to me needing help I could at least support them

Chap here. As a bloke a lot of these threads have really opened my eyes as to how men treat women.

Also bear in mind Mumsnet is a bit of a bubble for women who've had bad experiences.

Not all men are like this ...

I agree, I knew in theory but didn't realise a. How common it is, or b. How low the bar is set for men in general (posts saying their husband does fuck all round the house, makes their wife pay for half of everything even though her wages are a fraction of his because she has gone part time for childcare, fucks off doing hobbies all the time, drools over young models on social media etc, leave all the mental load to their wives, and never do their share of childcare...but the woman seems desperate to make things work because she loves him and he is 'a great dad' and 'things are only shit half the time' etc...its all just depressing

You might as well go to reddit to understand what women are like... 😅

I absolutely agree OP, I had no idea how many horrid men are out there.

I had an argument with a friend about this at the weekend - she isn’t on MN. I said that I estimated that around 50% of men are arseholes and she really wouldn’t have it. But she’s been married to a decent bloke for 20 years, they don’t have kids so there’s less stress in the relationship. She’s never done OLD, never copped abuse cycling from work, works for herself so never been sat next to a bloke on the train playing pocket billiards. Etc etc. I stand by it - half of men are arseholes.

Lots of absolute wankers out there. So many women feeling trapped and miserable. It's heartbreaking. And so many just accepting or resigned to it. Lots not even seeing it as a problem. It's just how men are...

also a lot of very low expectations. It is sad when the very basics you should expect from an adult is considered Amazing.

I've yet to read anything Amazing. Long lists of the very basics you should expect from another adult, yes. Amazing? Not so much.

You should read the sulking thread.
That's an eye opener.
Low level relentless shit year after year

i think it’s common, but not normal. No one ever starts threads just saying how lovely their life is so many things are skewed.

Yes, this is true. There are indeed an awful lot of terrible, abusive men - and it's so great that MN exists so that abused women can get help, advice and support - but it will naturally be skewed significantly, as people don't tend to post about things working as they should do.

There are also a huge amount of people out there with truly lovely, kind, caring, amazing MILs - I'm one of them; but just as you don't call out a repairman to your TV that's working perfectly, you also don't start a thread on MN about a family member or friend who should be delightful... and indeed is.

Thank you Captain bleeding obvious

Absolutely. I work with vulnerable and abused women, so I'm well aware of what it looks like at the sharpest end, and how prevalent it is. What MN shows is the quieter, more insidious day to day abuse and exploitation so many women are dealing with. Women who will often never come into services like mine, or even disclose in real life because they don't think its 'bad enough' but are living lives of quiet misery, losing confidence and self esteem and having the joy and hope leeched out of them.

Could we not have one thread, just one, where we acknowledge the suffering of the many women we've read about on here, and how it makes us as women feel, without a man interrupting to NAMALT us?

The men who dont speak up to other men when they are behaving badly are part of the problem and imo can't file themselves in the 'namalt' category.

There are some truly lovely men out there.

They are the ones who in addition to being fully functioning, respectful, decent men to the women in their lives, also aren't afraid to pull their male friends up when needed.

You are part of the Mumsnet bubble. All the talk of horrible men on here and your comment personifies all the things that are bad about women

Chap here.

^

Brilliant

Your mask fell pretty quickly eh 😂

I thought his post was spot on and covers very much how we feel about many threads.
There is undoubtedly great support which is very much needed, and I would hope that no male posters on this site would minimise the need for it.
At the same time there a lot of horrible generalisations, as well as pressure on the OPs to accept and action said advice before people turn on them.

And yet you're here.

Telling us what to believe and think.

How 'we feel'? Who is we?