to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

No, the tagline is actually 'By parents, for parents'. Mumsnet have made it very clear that everybody is welcome here.

One could argue that a father has more business posting on here than a childless woman.

Yes, I felt the same when I joined MN. And while I agree the forum will be skewed, it’s also a sad fact that abuse is much more prevalent than those unaffected tend to realise. What MN does if give insight into the experience, and, thankfully, a place for those women affected to find support and advice.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Better inform the admin that they've got it wrong. What do they know about their own site? 🤣

shows women to be as abusive as men if not more although men cause more serious injury/death, which is unsurprising due to the huge strength disparity.

I'm reluctant to give this poster any more oxygen but sure this is literally the point!

Men's physical violence brings with it the fear of death.

Equally, their other abusive behaviour, their controlling, their manipulation, their financial abuse will often have much more serious consequences for women who'll often be pregnant, have dependent children or be limited due to both of these in terms of the choices they can make.

That's the fucking difference. 🤫

@WalrusOfLove

I think it's also worth reflecting on whether that's truly the reality if you never noticed it until people online told you it was so.

I mean, yes, you could absolutely have been living a sheltered life but you also see the worst on here. I've had more issues with women than men and find them more spiteful in general tbh.

And yes I know '100 women a year' etc etc, but I'm talking about regular occurences/experiences throughout my life, not things like femicide that happen to a fraction of a percent of the population and are very unlikely to happen to either myself or anyone I'll ever meet.

THIS
Me too.
My 3 sons would step in, as would my husband....this is the site for the worse of the worse.

Anyway, I'm out. I've said all I really wanted to.

Being the argumentative bugger I am I'll just continue with this petty squabbling otherwise. I've got a decent bloke I'd rather spend some time with. 🤣

I'll probs keep checking back though to see if anybody feels like addressing the biggest DV study to date that inconveniently contradicts the narrative on here. Or should I say the 1700 peer reviewed studies that contradict the narrative on here (and all the other studies too lol).

@SuperGreens

Yes it opened my eyes and has been a great education frankly. I dont think we can change 'men' directly but I do think the more we share and let other women know they are not alone, not wrong, not imagining it - the better. We might not be able to change men, but we can and are changing what women are willing to accept.

This! ^ Completely ignoring the incels on this thread, (and the made-up 'statistics' claiming that women are as bad - or worse - than men,) I have to absolutely agree that Mumsnet has been brilliant for highlighting the fact that the majority of men are absolute gaslighting manipulative lazy arseholes (at some points in your relationship with them!) And we (women) are not in the wrong (most of the time!)

Women (over the years,) who have thought they're the only one with a husband like that - and that they themselves are always in the wrong and that the husband's always in the right - now know that they are NOT in the wrong most of the time, they are NOT imagining things, and that most men are like this at some point.

My husband could be an absolute twat sometimes, and we've gone through some bad times over the last 30 years where he's gaslighted me, gone silent on me for DAYS, and made me feel like it was me in the wrong. I was ALWAYS wrong - and he NEVER was.

But since being on Mumsnet (and other womens forums) for a few years, I have actually come to deal with it a lot better. Told him to go fuck himself when he tried to gaslight me and throw strops and moods. I actually really properly put him in his place. He knows I will NOT take his shit now - and our relationship has been a lot better for it. (For about a decade.)

Even on the minor level.of the scale , I'm so shocked at the verbal abuse some women experience. I can honestly say I've never had ANY man call me some of the names that DP/DHs call their wives / partners on here.
I've never even heard my DH, DF, DB and BiLs using these words ever, even in any conversation.

Its the start of that awful abusive, gaslighting behaviour, and i do worry about some OPs on here. I sometimes try and check to see any updates x

See this is part of the problem. Women marry a twat and then try and extrapolate some universal truth about men from their own mistakes.

Take home point is....dont marry a twat. 🤣🤣🤣

(sorry couldn't resist replying).

It's almost like they need backed up by dozens of studies.

Nope.

They simply don't make sense, linguistically.

And your studies? They aren't pertaining to the specific issue.

Your 'reciprocal violence' could apply to me for example. My experience of physical violence was limited and only at the very end of my marriage. Sometimes after hours of endless verbal & emotional abuse, I would be hysterical. He threw a chair at me once. I was exhausted, depleted & beyond myself - I ran at him, pushed him back, went to slap him (he caught my wrists & I couldn't).

That could be termed as 'reciprocal'. It certainly was not.

You are an utter disgrace & derailing this thread.

Thank the Lord.

Byeeee 👋

The mansplainers can educate themselves here:

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwalesoverview/november2023

These statistics do not cover the endless bloody barrage of micro aggressions in the workplace, the leering, the cheer up love, the weaponised incompetence of many if not most men leaving the bulk of mental burden of family life to the wonen.

Let’s not pretend that just because a man isn’t horrible, he must automatically be a wonderful man. The bar surely needs to be higher than that.

I wish I had known about mumsnet back in 2007/2008 when I was in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately I had to muddle through it without the advice and wisdom of so many here who had trod that path before me.
The advice here is invaluable for women in such situations.

Really, Hun?

It takes a special level of arrogance to come onto a forum where women talk about trauma experienced at the hands of men and bring NAMALT, and "statistics" about how women are just as bad.

Do you know who commits most crimes against men?

Men.

It is our fault after all, not the poor ickle menz.
We make them watch the bad man. But really he's a good man becoz we're evil nasty wummin. They can't help it! They're so ickle and weak not strong and scary like the big bad wummin.

Hope you're okay now.

I actually feel quite depressed and sad, but also really, really fucking angry. when I see the apologists and the NAMALTs on here trying to make out that actually 'men aren't that bad' and 'women are worse.'

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach that somebody's actually saying this - and posting bullshit fake surveys, and fake statistics - trying to make out that women are worse than men.

Are you actually having a laugh right now? How very dare you? How very, very FUCKING dare you?!

Thank you- I’m in a very good place now, and have been so for years. However it did take me a long time recover and get back to myself after the abusive relationship- it lasted 11 months, not even one full year, but it was 3 or 4 years before I felt strong in myself and normal again. The damage this shit does is horrendous.

Woman here. I've noticed that you seem to have a problem with women sharing their experiences. Such a shame for you to be so blinkered.

THIS! ^

I bet the apologists and NAMALTS won't like to admit this though huh?!

Honestly, they're on here all day and night looking to upset women just to make themselves feel special. They are not worth anyone's energy.
Most of them are probably 14 year old boys.

🤗

Yep! And definitely incels!