to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

Men using the site. I read this post and knew what he meant.

It is quite sad how, when I first joined and posted about my partner at the time being mean, I really thought that I just wasn't explaining his side well enough. I kept going on about "Oh no, I don't think he meant it like that!" etc... I sometimes look back at my naivety wishing I still had some of that innocence. Which is ridiculous really because I am so glad my eyes are open. It's just sad the view is so fecking grey.

One thing I can't get my head around after being on hear for nearly 15 years - how is the child maintenance situation no better? How do we still have men not paying for their kids, getting away with cash in hand, while women are on benefits? How does that work in this day and age and with all of the outrage about state handouts the politicians peddle? How are we still overlooking men being the main driver for poverty of mothers in this country?

Why do you think women need to care about what you men feel?

I never dreamed I would be the kind of
woman who’d be scared of her husband yet too scared to leave. Never in a million years.

Nice edit. I contributed to the thread. It doesn’t have to be useful for you personally.

😄🙄

Don't let them derail this one too ladies! 🌺

You really didn't need to say "chap here". Trust me, we can always tell youre a man when you start spouting the "not all men" bullshit.

Enough men ARE like that to make it a problem, and the men who aren't like that, will 99% of the time stand by and don't get involved when they see another man behaving inappropriately!! So yeah - most men are like that!

Yes it opened my eyes and has been a great education frankly. I dont think we can change 'men' directly but I do think the more we share and let other women know they are not alone, not wrong, not imagining it - the better. We might not be able to change men, but we can and are changing what women are willing to accept.

Even young women are wising up to a lot of the crap behaviours out there. They have information at their fingertips I had no way of knowing when I was young. Whole movements of women around the world turning their backs on relationships and having children with men, in protest and to protect themselves. Vote with your feet and your actions!

Yes. It's an awful thing to feel so trapped.

I hope you also feel that you are not alone.

I think it's also worth reflecting on whether that's truly the reality if you never noticed it until people online told you it was so.

I mean, yes, you could absolutely have been living a sheltered life but you also see the worst on here. I've had more issues with women than men and find them more spiteful in general tbh.

And yes I know '100 women a year' etc etc, but I'm talking about regular occurences/experiences throughout my life, not things like femicide that happen to a fraction of a percent of the population and are very unlikely to happen to either myself or anyone I'll ever meet.

The OP started this thread to talk about how upsetting she found it to discover so many MNetters were being mistreated by men.
Then along come the men... Forget all those abused women! Let's talk about men! Let's talk about how great some of us are and how unfair it is when you don't give a special acknowledgement that NAMALT when you're talking about abused women and how that upsets US!!!...
Truly, do you think that's appropriate?

Mumsnet is the reason I choose to stay single!

Years ago when I was pregnant with Dd I came on here desperate for help because her dad was such an abusive bastard and I couldn’t see a way out. The support I received made me so much stronger.

You could not pay me any money on earth to live with a man again.

You are pulling me up for correcting a typo? Are you for real?

This is your contribution to the thread? 😂

This is it really. Women are sometimes rude to men - and they don't like it.

Men, however, are much more likely to kill a woman than the other way round.

Thank you. MN has been a mixed bag. When I first reached out on here, people were absolutely awful because my question was about qualifying for UC while owning a share of a rental property. The comments were so nasty I had to delete MN. I eventually came back and found that as long as I don’t ask about benefits or mention owning a (mortgaged) rental, people will be supportive.

I'm not here to man-bash you Lurker, but ALL the things that are bad about WOMEN?
Can you expand on that please? What did you read into the comment that supports such a definitive post?

Personally, I think that women having good experiences are the ones living in a (very lucky) bubble.

That’s not at all what my initial post said. Maybe read it again and see if you understand it then.
And for the edit. You changed one word but it changed the content of your post, so my remark was valid.

I mean, to provide a counterpoint the majority of data actually shows women to be as abusive as men if not more although men cause more serious injury/death, which is unsurprising due to the huge strength disparity. It's just that people only look at crime stats which we're repeatedly told by DV charities are inaccurate as men are much less likely to report DV for fear of being seen as 'weak'.

The studies I mention above have been posted on here so many times and yet people ignore them as they don't fit the common narrative. It's wilful ignorance as the same posters then go on to post the same old stuff on other threads as if they'd never seen the aforementioned data.

For example, the biggest DV meta study to date analysed 1700 peer reviewed studies and found that 'Rates of female-perpetrated violence are higher than male-perpetrated (28.3% vs. 21.6%).'

I'm not an MRA/man or whatever the usual accusation is for people that don't agree with the common narrative. I form my opinions based on the data I see rather than looking for data to support my opinions.

@Coshei you replied to the wrong person. Here is my edit history, clearly correcting typos.

Not surprised you think it’s a conspiracy 😂

So men need to listen to women about DV but if they dare acknowledge that they have then they're in the wrong? Er, OK.

Here they are to tell us we are wrong!
They don't like it up-em. Have to come onto a female space and tell us how nice they are by shouting us down.

I dont think it takes much reflection to conclude the obvious. That she hasn't noticed in real life in the way she does on here, because in real life she probably has access to the confidences and disclosures of a handful of women tops. And then only what they choose to share with her, someone they know, when they may feel embarrassed or shamed or not want to cause worry.
MN gives a window into the private lives and feelings of countless women, more than we could ever meet in real life, and they tell us things no stranger and often not even our friends would share with us. I've posted things on here about my own life that even my best friends don't know.

I’m pretty sure that the first version mentioned “what you feel” instead of “what you men feel”, but I can hardly prove it.
You are right though that I mixed you up with the other poster, so apologies for this.