to not have realised how abusive and horrible men were until I joined MN

[geoger]

Been on MN a while now and I must admit that it has really opened my eyes to how abusive and horrible some men are. I’m not ignorant, I know that men can be violent, controlling, abusive etc - I read loads, watch the news and documentaries but I just didn’t realise the depths of depravity some men reach. Every day there are threads where women are physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused by their so called ‘d’ h/p that I find really worrying and distressing.
Some of these threads still play on my mind and I worry for the women who posted them.
I feel so stupid and naive and trusting. MN has really opened my eyes. Has anybody else experienced this worry for other women on here or am I just living in a bubble?
I know this is AIBU but please no bashing

Tbf I was enjoying watching the increasingly foot stompy posts of a man being ignored by women

But they usually go by crime data which only includes officially reported cases. It's acknowledged by all the biggest DV charities, especially Mankind, that men under report due to feeling 'weak' for having been abused by a woman.

The worlds biggest meta study on DV (covering 1700 peer reviewed studies) tells a different story, as does the 32 nation dating violence study, and the other Iinked with 500,000 respondents - plus many others.

Saying that men don't suffer much abuse because it's not reported is like saying hardly any women are raped because few men are convicted.

me too! 😂

It's a shame that some posters are "last word freaks". Because if they weren't so determined to get the last word in with the derailers then we could stay on track with the real issues here which the OP mentioned and are totally valid.

I'd agree with a figure of 50% too.

Delusional. 🙄

The vast majority of violent and sexual crime is perpetrated by men. And that’s just the ones that get caught.

Recent studies have found that more women admit to assaulting their partner than men admit to having been assaulted. Men clearly don't like to admit to being victims.

Your evidence for this 'bubble' is?

I just don't like unfounded bigotry/sexism. And it is unfounded when the majority of data contradicts it. I used to believe all the stuff people say until I started reading the studies.

Men are mainly violent against other men, and they kill much more women than we do men (which is still very few in relation to the size of the population).

However, with day to day common domestic violence the vast majority of data suggests we're just as bad.

Sorry. I know I shouldn't.

Great post 👏

I wasn't on MN when I was in the throes of my abusive marriage, or the immediate aftermath. I wish I had been.

It took my excellent counsellor many years of working with me to help me see how awfully destructively abusive my ex was.

I'm 10 years separated, recently divorced, a long agonising battle that he used (and the Irish courts enable) to perpetuate his abuse.

I can finally see chinks of light - far from perfect but I've finally some legal protection and some of the means to abuse me are gone.

What I noticed most on MN in my early days here were the robust posts calling out shitty unacceptable behaviour by men to their partners. Not necessarily abuse. But clear, straight-talking advice on what it means to be valued or respected.

Despite believing I was, and appearing to be, capable, confident & articulate, I had never truly believed I was entitled to that type of decent treatment.

There's underlying reasons why some women are susceptible to the effects of abusive men, but any woman can find herself in the situation.

Yeah, right, of course there is symmetry in men and women's experience of domestic violence.

What kind of pondlife hangs around womens forums disputing lived experience of male violence?

But I was right that people on here will always ignore any data that contradicts their narrative. The studies I've posted have done the rounds on here a good few times and they always get ignored.

But that doesn't matter because the people that refuse to acknowledge them don't care about the truth. They've already chosen the reality they want to accept. What matters is that people who are on the fence can read the studies and make an informed decision rather than taking the usual narrative at face value in the absence of any solid data.

And they do it to men they are in relationships with as well.

Women can be vile including if they are in a relationship with another woman but the numbers of men always exceeds this.

Your evidence for this 'bubble' is

It's a fair point.

In the main, women will post about destructive, problematic relationships. Not happy, enriching ones.

That's the 'bubble' that might be referred to. If you took the Relationships board as an indicator, you might believe that most men are selfish, abusive, incapable ... that's not true, and IRL, I know many great men in happy marriages. But posters don't need help with those ones!

No, lesbians commit more DV than gay men. It's lesbians first, then hetero, then gay men.

But your sentences make no ... sense.

They are so vague as to be meaningless.

You are on the wrong thread mate.

There are more men than women who are vile regardless of who they fancy and what sex of the person they decide to be in a relationship with.

It's almost like they need backed up by dozens of studies. 🤣🤣🤣

There are more heterosexual couples than lesbian and gay couples.

And as there are more abusive men than women, then the numbers of abusive men exceeds the number of abusive women.

Also due to physical differences the nature of the abuse differs.

In your opinion.

Depends if you think DV is vile. If so, we're on a level with men.

And I'll decide which thread is for me to post on, thanks.

But the data doesn't show there to be more abusive men than women. It's right there in this thread.

It frustrates me because I do care about women. This type of shit is exactly what causes young men to start listening to people like Andrew Tate.

Oh god, the men on mumsnet with their ‘man here’, or ‘chap here’ and ‘women are awful’ crap. Even when they try to present themselves as reasonable at first, the mask slips. Every time.

I know exactly what sort of man hangs around mumsnet, a woman focused site, telling us how bad we are. 🚩 🚩 🚩

This is a womens site for women people. If you don't like it go and join Piston Heads or reddit

I cant believe what I’ve read in forums like this and various Facebook groups. The absolute gall of some men. I used to think why do women put up with with such rubbish but I know now it’s not that easy.
Its just madness to me in this day and age that so many young men are acting as it’s if hundreds of years ago.
The good thing is, women helping each other on these groups have given many women the strength to leave or realise their partners behaviour is not normal or acceptable.

Absolutely this. Women feel a great deal of shame when they cannot “fix” things and are more susceptible to feelings of guilt. Being married is also an identity for some as well.