All men cheat

[laviniamarie]

I was having a coffee with a friend this morning she's literally just left and I can't get my head round what she's said, we were talking about our lives and husbands and shes let it slip her dh had an affair several years ago and she thinks he's at it again.

I never had any words of advice as my own dh would never do such a thing and I was quite shocked to hear her say that "every man would cheat given an opportunity" apparently she thinks that of he thinks he will never be caught he will do it.

What are your thoughts on this? To me it's utter bullshit, I have been married 6 years and my husbands whole world revolves around me and our children. He's a genuinely lovely human being and I don't think he would ever cheat but according to my friend he would if he thought he'd never be caught.

I would have said exactly the same thing a few years ago. I was wrong.

Unless you somehow oversee every moment, you really can't know. You can be as sure as you can be, you can trust the person 100% but you can't absolutely know.

I can't believe my husband has cheated, I trust him completely, I'm as sure as I can be, I'd bet everything I own, but I cannot say I know for an absolute verifiable fact. I know I haven't cheated but he doesn't.

We have absolutely blindsided women on here all the time. Some of them tell stories where you might see it coming, but plenty tell other ones.

Poor you.

Poor lady. She is obviously hurt and that has coloured her opinion. Of course not all men cheat, anymore than all women cheat.

Both men and women do cheat its a huge generalisation she is making - however she is hurting and probably very distressed by her current circumstances. I don’t think anyone can say either way whether their partner will or won’t cheat as being unfaithful has many dynamics to it! I know of a number of my friends/ acquaintances that have had affairs of both sexes - many of which were deemed to be ‘not the type.’

Just for context I have not cheated on my DH in nearly 25 years.

I trust my husband and as far as I am aware he hasn't cheated but I can't say for certain.

I'd like to think he wouldn't cheat but given the opportunity who knows.

I don't think it's just about opportunity. I think most people would turn down the opportunity, almost all the time.

The trouble starts when the opportunity comes at a time when life's lost some of its shine, your wife/husband is busy with their own challenges/interests, you have something going on at work you could use some emotional support with, you're feeling taken for granted, maybe some health issues or a bereavement making you wonder if there's more to life etc etc.

Probably outing, but there was a revelation like this in my family recently and it blindsided everyone. He was extremely introverted, nerdy, boring, never socialised without his wife of over 30 years, had been praising her to the skies at various family events and... yeah. With the obvious caveat that we didn't have a camera in their home...not one of us saw it coming. She certainly didn't.

Millions do cheat, millions think about it, millions don’t cheat.

I've read that exact paragraph before.... Totally true though.

I think you're right actually when the opportunity comes out of the blue. Most people don't have the courage or can manage the logistics, or are taken aback and panic.
I think there's far more danger in the slow creeper. The colleague who becomes a friend, a close friend, an emotional affair, an 'if only we weren't married', to feelings that outweigh their usual caution morality and loyalty. People who KNOW their partner would never cheat are in the greatest danger here. Because they're the ones who wouldn't question the new friendship, believe they're where they say they are etc. People who at least entertain the possibility are often more likely to see the warnings.

But doesn't everyone think her husband will not cheat?
I never thought mine would, so we had the best marriage, but he did. And some.

I never thought mine would, we were the happiest couple I knew (I thought) plus he was the most extreme introvert you could imagine.

All I'd say is make sure you'd be financially ok if it happened.

There's always a danger in imagining a personal conviction - however strongly held - to be knowledge of absolute fact.

It took me a long time to realise that all these women who were so certain he'd never cheat, and he did, felt pretty much the same as I did and to an extent still do. It's not that my conviction was better or stronger or more reliable than theirs. Some of them had more reason than I had to believe it!

That's why I stopped thinking I knew and changed it to being as sure as I can possibly be and willing to take actions of commitment on it. But I can't absolutely know.

I think it would be more accurate to say all men have the potential to cheat.

This is the best way to be because it allows for a degree of emotional preparedness should it happen. Which I hope it doesn’t to anyone reading this.

The ‘it happened to you but would never happen to me’ kind of comments quite insulting to those of us who have been through it. I think most people would consider me to be sensible, mature and a good judge of character.

No one can talk in absolutes. Especially about cheating.

I think she is wrong. But I also don’t believe anyone can 100% know their partner wouldn’t cheat.

People act out of character all the time. Plenty of people think their partner definitely won’t do all manner of things, then get a bad surprise.

Those people felt they knew their partner wouldn’t do something and then were wrong.

I wouldn’t let her negativity ruin your contentment op. She feels sad and I would be mindful about why she is painting all men in this light and why she would undermine your security in your marriage. The type of person that isn’t happy and won’t let anyone else be either.

I think the majority of women/ men who are cheated on are completely blindsided by it. Everyone knows for certain their spouse/ partner would never cheat- until they do. Not all men will cheat, neither will all women but the potential is there, given the right set of circumstances.

I mean, a majority of the married men I am friends with/ work with are absolutely devoted to their spouses and I don’t think would ever cheat. I also know some absolute bloody tossers, so they probably would.

However, saying that…. A close friend of mine’s husband left her for another woman a few years ago, and I almost passed out in shock. Never in a million years would have called that one. They seemed to have it all, and he seemed genuinely in love with her, got on well with her friends and family etc etc. completely blindsided everyone.

So I guess you just don't know 🤷🏽‍♀️

For starters any statement 'ALL X do Y' is bound to be wrong, because there'll always be the outliers.

More to the point though, I believe men find it much easier than women to separate sex from love. And that's why, given the opportunity and without fear of being found out, most men will stray.

They don't so much see it as being disloyal - at least in the moment - as getting an extra orgasm on the side. That, plus the simple biological fact that sex drive is perhaps the most powerful, innate force in existence. One that is there every second of the day, biologically speaking.

People talk from their own experiences. She's hurting and basically giving herself a reason to stay - if all men do it why leave.

Ime im leaning more towards her feeling too. This is based on my experiences of marriage and dating.

My husband certainly wouldn't cheat

Look, no part of me is in the ‘all men cheat’ brigade whatsoever. But you’re on the moon and entirely naive if you think you can 100% predict anyone’s each and every action forevermore.

You absolutely cannot. Having solid confidence, betting your life savings on it and saying ‘I believe he would never cheat’ is fine, but only verifiable through your faith in it, and faith is not an absolute truth and it never will be.

Not to mention it’s just plain insulting to any woman who has ever been completely blindsided by the betrayal of their partner.

You ‘believe’ your husband certainly wouldn’t cheat. That is the distinction.