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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All men cheat

135 replies

laviniamarie · 15/05/2024 09:29

I was having a coffee with a friend this morning she's literally just left and I can't get my head round what she's said, we were talking about our lives and husbands and shes let it slip her dh had an affair several years ago and she thinks he's at it again.

I never had any words of advice as my own dh would never do such a thing and I was quite shocked to hear her say that "every man would cheat given an opportunity" apparently she thinks that of he thinks he will never be caught he will do it.

What are your thoughts on this? To me it's utter bullshit, I have been married 6 years and my husbands whole world revolves around me and our children. He's a genuinely lovely human being and I don't think he would ever cheat but according to my friend he would if he thought he'd never be caught.

OP posts:
Porageeater · 15/05/2024 13:01

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/05/2024 12:59

I was talking about this with a friend and we both said we can never imagine our partners/husbands cheating. My sil husband cheated on her which none of us saw coming but all you can do is have faith in your husband as I do in mine and carry on.

I think that’s right. You can’t go around thinking they will cheat and have to trust.

LightsOnSparklingTowers · 15/05/2024 13:04

Your friend is trying to making herself feel better by saying all men would cheat. It doesn’t really matter what she says.

Nori10 · 15/05/2024 13:05

No, not all men cheat. I believe my DH is one of the good ones, but I couldn't rule out 100% that he'd never cheat on me, purely because I've known women who were genuinely blindsided by their partner’s cheating. Last thing they ever thought they would do or were even capable of.

BeaRF75 · 15/05/2024 13:07

Some men do. Some men don't.
Some women do. Some women don't.

Generalisations are worthless and pointless.

AngryBird6122 · 15/05/2024 13:08

I think MOST men would given the opportunity, but not ALL

RobertaFirmino · 15/05/2024 13:12

Completely untrue but your friend is hurting. She'd likely prefer to hear 'Some of them can be utter shits, can't they?' than 'Well mine would never do that...'.

5128gap · 15/05/2024 13:15

Unless you're getting red flags, it's like car accidents or illness, you don't go around waiting for it and worrying about it. At the same time, given that 50% of marriages don't last (not always due to cheating I know, but clearly indicative that people and feelings change) it's a bit daft to categorically deny there is any possibility, unless you're married to someone physically incapable or someone who would never get an opportunity.
If your husband barely leaves the house, has low or no sex drive, is not the type that would be considered attractive, the odds are stacked in your favour. If he's a typical averagely attractive man who gets out and about and meets other women, there is no guarantee that he will never meet another woman he prefers, or is tempted by. And unless you live in his head, you cannot guarantee for sure how he would respond not only now, but for the rest of his life. No one can.

TomeTome · 15/05/2024 13:15

No it’s not true. It’s a bit like saying “everyone shop lifts” or “everyone hates the toddler years” or “everyone speeds”.

AngryBird6122 · 15/05/2024 13:16

YorkNew · 15/05/2024 12:53

So it seems few mumsnetters’ DH’s would cheat except on the relationship board where every other post is from a surprised woman whose DH has.

Right?!

I am as sure as I can be that I don’t think dh would. But to say you KNOW he wouldn’t is a bit naive.

whosaidtha · 15/05/2024 13:17

I don't think all men cheat but I think it's very naive to assume your dh won't. How many threads start 'I never in a million years thought he would do this to me...'

WaltzingWaters · 15/05/2024 13:18

Of course not all men cheat. Many arseholes do. But there are plenty that would never dream of it.
Shes trying to make herself feel better by saying this.

BigMandyHarris · 15/05/2024 13:19

I think your friend is correct and you are very naive

whosaidtha · 15/05/2024 13:19

DinnaeFashYersel · 15/05/2024 12:59

The majority don't cheat.

I'm not sure that's true. Anecdotally I think a lot do. Especially if you'd count a drunk kiss a cheating. And if you count partners as well as husbands I'd bet it's over 50%

StMarieforme · 15/05/2024 13:20

My husband did, and it wrought devastation on our family. One of the many reasons that I 100% know that my sons, all in their 30s, would not.

TuesdayWhistler · 15/05/2024 13:20

Not all men cheat.
Not all women cheat.
But a lot of people cheat.

I have ZERO tolerance for it personally.
Happens once, you're gone forever.

Simonjt · 15/05/2024 13:22

I wouldn’t do it, the idea of a one night stand or having sex with someone I’m not in a relationship with doesn’t appeal to me in the slighest.

Is it not true that the majority of relationships experience cheating, but is that having sex with someone else, or is it also kissing, emotional affairs etc.

OneTC · 15/05/2024 13:24

It's impossible to know the mind of another, you can take very educated guesses but you can't know

HereComesTheYellowTrain · 15/05/2024 13:25

I always used to say that my partner of well over 10 years would never cheat, he was the kindest, most mild mannered man you could ever meet. Would be the first to offer to go shopping for elderly neighbours, was loving, gentle etc. 10 years and a baby on....and he cheated.

Obviously this is only my personal experience, but I don't always think there's a type.

Neverdo · 15/05/2024 13:26

I don't thinkbits given that all men will cheat, but I think everyone, men and women, will cheat given the right set of circumstances. What they are will be different for everyone for some it will be because they can, for others it will take a lot more.

For example, a situation where someone offers a listening ear at a time when you're under intense pressure at work, partner is distracted with issues of their own, the relaionship is a having a shaky patch, a shared interest, a feeling that someone "gets" you, then add in some alcohol...no-one will ever know, this is kinder than breaking her heart and telling her I want someone else....

ginasevern · 15/05/2024 13:27

SlothsNeverGetIll · 15/05/2024 12:48

Total bullshit.
And no, I'm not in denial.
I've been with DH for 20 years and know him inside out and he would not cheat. And he does get the opportunity as he works away from home.

I was married for 26 years and I also knew my husband inside and out. We had a lovely, strong marriage and were each other's best friends. He was very much a "bloke's bloke" and interested in cars, real ale and growing vegetables. He wouldn't even know how to flirt with a woman even if he wanted to. I was a hundred trillion, gazillion per cent certain he would never cheat. Actually it never even crossed my mind, not even remotely.

Then I discovered him talking to someone online. He'd been meeting her when he went away to work. That day my world fell apart. Everything I thought was real suddenly wasn't. My knees gave way and I passed out on the kitchen floor. To be honest I'm amazed the shock and pain of it all didn't kill me.

Porageeater · 15/05/2024 13:29

ginasevern · 15/05/2024 13:27

I was married for 26 years and I also knew my husband inside and out. We had a lovely, strong marriage and were each other's best friends. He was very much a "bloke's bloke" and interested in cars, real ale and growing vegetables. He wouldn't even know how to flirt with a woman even if he wanted to. I was a hundred trillion, gazillion per cent certain he would never cheat. Actually it never even crossed my mind, not even remotely.

Then I discovered him talking to someone online. He'd been meeting her when he went away to work. That day my world fell apart. Everything I thought was real suddenly wasn't. My knees gave way and I passed out on the kitchen floor. To be honest I'm amazed the shock and pain of it all didn't kill me.

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I’m so sorry that happened to you.

ginasevern · 15/05/2024 13:32

Porageeater · 15/05/2024 13:29

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

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Thanks @Porageeater

stayathomer · 15/05/2024 13:32

Whatever you think let her say whatever she wants in relation to it. I’ve had two different boyfriends cheat on me years and years ago, both you would have expected it from tbh😅Personally I’d think the percentage to be lower than most people think but it’s not something you can argue with a lot of women as they have had bad experiences

AllAtSeaAgain · 15/05/2024 13:35

It's a load of bollocks. I hate this 'all men' crap. How offensive it would be to say, 'All women nag,' or 'All women are materialistic'.

Men and women are individual human beings. Some of them are decent, with decent moral standards. Some of them are not.

She's deluding herself if she thinks 'he can't help cheating because he has a penis'.

SlothsNeverGetIll · 15/05/2024 13:38

ginasevern · 15/05/2024 13:27

I was married for 26 years and I also knew my husband inside and out. We had a lovely, strong marriage and were each other's best friends. He was very much a "bloke's bloke" and interested in cars, real ale and growing vegetables. He wouldn't even know how to flirt with a woman even if he wanted to. I was a hundred trillion, gazillion per cent certain he would never cheat. Actually it never even crossed my mind, not even remotely.

Then I discovered him talking to someone online. He'd been meeting her when he went away to work. That day my world fell apart. Everything I thought was real suddenly wasn't. My knees gave way and I passed out on the kitchen floor. To be honest I'm amazed the shock and pain of it all didn't kill me.

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How awful for you.
It doesn't diminish my confidence in my own relationship though.