All men cheat

[laviniamarie]

I was having a coffee with a friend this morning she's literally just left and I can't get my head round what she's said, we were talking about our lives and husbands and shes let it slip her dh had an affair several years ago and she thinks he's at it again.

I never had any words of advice as my own dh would never do such a thing and I was quite shocked to hear her say that "every man would cheat given an opportunity" apparently she thinks that of he thinks he will never be caught he will do it.

What are your thoughts on this? To me it's utter bullshit, I have been married 6 years and my husbands whole world revolves around me and our children. He's a genuinely lovely human being and I don't think he would ever cheat but according to my friend he would if he thought he'd never be caught.

Not all men cheat, not all women cheat. However, I believe that in the right circumstances, with the opportunity presented at a particular time that more would cheat than you think, including some that you would never expect. I think it's very naive to think that someone never would under any circumstances at any point in their life.

Ooooh OP, I said the same to a friend, that my husband would never cheat, I trust him blah blah... Utterly smug about my marriage
Turns out he was cheating.
You never ever know

I think that people move in circles where either lots of people cheat or lots don't and so you assume your experience is normal. For example, I know people who work in some professions or industries say there's loads of affairs at work. Whereas, I know of only one definite affair and a couple of creepy men at work but otherwise it's not common at all (and everyone was shocked at the affair and the man's boss was quite vocal about how unprofessional he thought it was). So the social structure at work is quite disapproving of affairs so there is not the opportunity that there might be in other workplaces.

If I may....my opinion may be unpopular.
My husband is three decades older and we have been married for 20 years. No cheating whatsoever on his side.
But here comes the however: I personally never felt I wanted to stay "intimate" with one and only person through my productive age, regardless of how old they are.
So from this point of view, I kinda understand these men, not mentioning morality and duties towards family.
We are all human beings with relatively short lives.
Yes, personally I don't condemn the urge to "cheat".

😂

I reckon most people are ultimately self serving enough that there's an offer out there good enough to swing anyone, it's just that most people would probably never get that offer

I don't know...if there's one person prepared to sleep with and spend time with you, no reason to imagine there couldn't possibly be any others.

There does persist this impression that a kind, mild-mannered person somehow can't possibly succumb to sexual temptation - which itself exists in many forms.

I'm very sorry that happened to you.

Research suggests that, given equal opportunity, men and women cheat equally. The differentiator is really that women are more likely to be weighed down with caring responsibilities and/or financially dependent and thus have less opportunity.

I think that, like most things with humans, behaviour is complicated. Given the right stimulus and opportunity, the vast majority of humans are at least capable of cheating. Some have a lower threshold than others.

Agree

Yes, I think those kind, understanding, people pleasers might even be more susceptible in their quiet way, to the "it just happened" affair.

Also agree. I used to have a 'safe' man that would never do anything like that... he's now married with kids to the woman from work that he cheated with

Oh yeah of course, but they certainly aren't all worth fucking up what you've got for.

Funny as I've encountered more women over the years that have had affairs or got off with other men on work do's!

What I have noticed is that men who have affairs still want to stay with the wife and kids if they have them but the women often start and affair and hope to leave their husband for him.

I am very good friends with a married couple - they have been together around 40 yrs. I love them both. They have both cheated ( a long time ago ) and confided in me. Neither knows the other has. They are very happy together and obviously love each other.
Men cheat, women cheat. You NEVER know.

Absolutely, but there are very few people in the world who couldn't possibly attract more than one person.

And anyway, there are always paid professionals.

I think some people are much more likely to cheat than others but that it can happen. You don’t have to be an awful person to do it either. I have friends who have cheated and they are not people I would’ve expected it of. They were in a difficult phase with their relationship where everything felt frustrating and they were not getting on well with their partners, feeling taken for granted and a bit unloved. At that point they met someone who made them feel seen/appreciated and they cheated. I can see how anyone might end up in that position in the right circumstances.

Something I have noticed is that men seem to expect other men to find their wives attractive and potentially want to sleep with them; not necessarily expect it to happen, but if it does, they're not totally mystified about why the OM wanted her.

Women often seem to expect other women not to find their husbands attractive, and for the moral objection not only to stop them sleeping with him, but also to stop them from having any sort of desire or sexual feeling at all.

In her world and maybe from her experiences, it may be true.

Perhaps all the men she knows, have.

Just be a good friend to her at the moment, she is obviously going through a hard time.

I know a guy (Simon) who got married to his girlfriend he met at uni. Within their social group one of the guys had an affair and Simon was disgusted and the friend was ostracised from the group. Simon was very vocal about how awful it was to cheat on someone…

A few years later guess who had an affair?! That’s right Simon! Ending up marrying the woman he had the affair with and the friendship group has split now as people couldn’t cope with the double standards and hypocrisy!

Obviously not ever man would have an affair but as pp have said, under the right circumstances I think even the ones ‘that wouldn’t’ absolutely would.

All types of men cheat. The very nice ones also.

This!

I was in the 'my husband would never' camp.

He doted on me and DD, life was perfect.

Together 11 years.

He was shagging a mutual friend 😂

So no, not all men cheat, but it's naive to think that your husband can't / won't.

Until he does.

I'll take it a bit further than your friend. I think pretty much everyone is capable of cheating, given the right temptation and opportunity.

I'm not a naturally sexually monogamous man. I see love and sex as very different things and while I've no desire to love more that one person, I see nothing wrong with wanting sex with more than one person. Were DP OK with that, then I'd happily shag anyone who's interested, and I'd be happy for DP to do the same.

However, DP would not be OK with that, and I love DP and don't want to hurt her. So the only thing stopping me cheating is the risk of hurting DP, no great moral code. If there was no way of DP ever finding out, of being hurt, then I'd happily cheat. But that's never going to happen. Even if I travel half way round the world to cheat, there would still be the chance I would catch an STI, which I'd have to tell DP about.

So because I know I'm capable of it, I'm vigilant of my own behaviour.

I reckon there are three types of people. The ones who will happily cheat now and assume that they'll be able to hide it, or don't care about hiding it.

The ones who believe they will never cheat, the ones who are devoted to their spouse and wouldn't think it for a second. The ones who will walk headfirst into an emotional affair and not even realise they're doing it until they find themselves with their tongue down someone elses throat.

And the ones like me, who know what we're capable of and so take steps to make sure it doesn't happen. Ironically we're probably the least likely to actually do it.

Not all will but it's not possible to be certain who will or won't and it's definitely not certain to say just because they never have means they never will.
But you can't stop someone cheating. You can try and make a relationship as happy and fulfilling as possible, but if someone thinks cheating is worth it to them at the time they will do it.

I know for a fact my late father never cheated. Neither did my mother. They were both very devout and it would have been anathema to them.
Sadly, few and fewer people have that attitude these days plus it's easier than ever to find someone to cheat with and to do so out of your area, reducing the chances of being seen. I think it's more and more common, and women are cheating more these days too. It's horrible. Cheating is a form of abuse- it traumatises the one betrayed and when there are children , it turns their worlds upside down!