To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

[aenre2or]

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

Ah OP, Im sorry, you sound so hurt! People choose their bridesmaids for all sorts of reasons, and it sounds like she likes you a lot, but is closer to two other people. That’s totally normal, and while it’s natural to be upset if you feel more strongly about the relationship, she hasn’t done anything wrong and so you need to deal with it.

it sounds like you are having a super hard time dealing with it and it’s knocked your confidence by a huge amount. It sounds to me like you might have quite severe self esteem issues, and I wonder if it would be worth trying to work on this with a counsellor?

Just to add, if you do have self esteem issues, it sounds like your mum is a contributing factor!!

Honestly read the bridesmaids threads . I would say far easier to be a guest and enjoy the day .

You are being completely ridiculous.

If you are at the stage when she is sending the invitations out, and you've not had lots of exciting chats about the plans, then clearly you wouldn't be a bridesmaid.

There are so many reasons why you might not be, that are nothing to do with your personality or whatever else you are worrying about.

This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me
What are you talking about ? It doesn't mean your mother thinks little of you Your Mum is just pointing out that she has lots of friends, or lots of people she might ask. From your OP it doesn't even sound as if you know who she is having, or even, if she is having any bridesmaids.

Sorry you are feeling so rejected.

Do you have access to any professional counseling?

Ah now @NewName24 have a heart. OP is already feeling down. There are ways of saying things.

Kindly, you sound quite intense in your post. Are you this intense in real life with her perhaps?

You sound unbelievably intense. Especially bearing in mind she hasn't actually asked anyone to be bridesmaid yet. I think this is why most couples prefer not to have wedding parties anymore.

It happens OP. One of my closest friends did the same, no bridesmaid, no hen invite but expected our family of four to spend £6000 to go to her wedding abroad. We immediately cancelled. And no I've never regretted it.

Had you presumed she would definitely ask you? I think that's a really bad idea for anyone tbh - brides are often forced to make really hard choices, especially if they can only have 1 or 2 bridesmaids, and it stands to reason that close friends, relatives, sisters even, might not get to be a bridesmaid. That doesn't mean the bride and/or groom don't love or care about them, it's just the practicalities of it.
In the nicest way, you sound a little overinvested.

I'm not sure that's quite the same, in that OP hasn't mentioned such a significant expense.

Are you sure she’s having any bridesmaids at this point?

Surely you don't even know she has bridesmaids yet? One of my two closest friends (who was a bridesmaid at my wedding) didn't have me as one at hers (she had her three sisters instead).

It never occured to me to be upset or doubt our friendship. she clearly cares for you and wants you there.

Sorry you are feeling so hurt OP. Your reaction to the situation is pretty intense and I think this is more reflective of how you feel about yourself internally and your fear of rejection. Have you ever thought about some counselling, or doing some work on your self esteem?

Please don’t say anything to this friend about not being a bridesmaid. You expecting to be given that role and your upset now has nothing to do with her.

When I got married, I started getting pressure from different directions to choose my bridesmaids, I ended up not having any. Family insisted I needed cousins X, Y and Z, and also this niece, and my childhood bestie etc, it was a nightmare, potential of causing too much conflict.

A couple of people were offended I had no bridesmaids but it was 100% the right decision to avoid drama. I'd expect a friend to understand.

You are seemingly pinning all of your self-worth over not being someone's bridesmaid. Do you not appreciate how extreme and silly this is?

Point being, one can't expect someone to be there for them and make sacrifices for the friendship but not honour them in any way.

Being invited is the honour surely, though I agree that sometimes the cost is just too high.

I’m sorry this has hit you hard.

It does seem a rather extreme reaction to not being a bridesmaid, though - you seem to be questioning the entire premise of your friendship. Wedding plans are subject to so many different factors; I don’t think it’s sensible to read too much into it.

You may be her oldest friend or one of them, but it appears you are not one of her closet friends - as you say yourself ' She has called two other women sisters to her,' thus I would expect one or both of them will be her bridesmaids - if she is having adult bridesmaids.

Not quite sure why you suggested the following ' but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. '
are you thinking she is having 4-6 adult bridesmaids ?

personally I am not into the idea of adult bridesmaids - why does an adult woman of 33 want other adult women walking down the aisle with her - unless they are family i.e. sisters / cousins / the groom's sisters etc.

( as I personally think adult bridesmaids may be taller / slimmer etc. than the bride :)

and NO ' I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids ' there is no way on earth your mother should get involved with asking the bride's mother this, you are 33 now and not 7 !!!

however I do think you should look into counselling as suggested.

Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship

You seem to have a very transactional view of friendships. I can understand (maybe) being disappointed, but this level of upset is way out of proportion to what happened here. You are 33 years old; not being asked to be someone's bridesmaid should not be hurting your self esteem!

I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward

My God, do not have your mother intervene! How embarrassing. Just no.

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but this is so over the top that clearly something else is going on here.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you are being a bit of a silly moo
The choice a person makes for bridesmaids can be based on so many different variables, not just a 'who I like best' list .
She clearly does want you there, and if you have been friends for so long, I am sure you want to be there too.
It is totally valid to feel hurt, but then after some self compassion, throw yourself into being happy for her, with none of the stess

Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered.

I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her.

I can understand being upset that you haven’t been chosen as a bridesmaid. The strength of your reaction to this - and the way you’ve reacted to any perceived rejection from people in the past - is way out of proportion. I’m not saying that you’re being dramatic. I’m saying that you are much more sensitive to rejection than most people and it causes you a lot more emotional pain. It is somethIng that you can work on, with help from a counsellor, if you want to try to change things.

The way you’ve dealt with things in the past, cutting out the person you feel has rejected you so they can’t hurt you again, means that you’ve never really had to learn to manage your feelings. It also means that you’ve probably lost a lot of friends/potential friends who weren’t actually rejecting you.

Your reaction is extreme and on the face if it, overly dramatic. You don't even know if she's having bridesmaids! I didn't have bridesmaids for this very reason, people take it so personally, it's not about you!

Thank you everyone who has replied with kind words and constructive advice. I agree that I could benefit from counselling for low self esteem and fear of rejection. I had counselling for the same reason when I was 23-24 (through a young people's charity)for about 3 months and I thought it was resolved but I can see now its not.

Briefly on other points:
I do think its likely she'll have around 6 bridesmaids.

I'm not this intense in real life and don't talk this way to anyone which is why I came here to get this off my chest and i'm overall glad I did.

I agree it would be ridiculous to ask my mother to intervene and that wasn't really what I meant but appreciate it came off that way in the heat of the moment when I was writing. (Our parents see each other about 3 times a week and I think her mother would have mentioned who is in the wedding party in passing without my mother saying anything as friend's mom already said a fair bit about wedding planning. )

Thank you everyone. I appreciate lots of different factors go into wedding planning and its just one day so I will work on enjoying being a guest, try not to compare myself to the bridesmaids and not let it affect our friendship.