To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

[aenre2or]

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

Wow.
I'm guessing you are a Billy no mates as well as Billynobates.

You are seriously saying that when a longstanding friend invites you to their wedding, your reaction would be to cut them off ?

It’s her day not your she may have a good reason for not picking you. I’m getting married next year and it was hard picking my bridesmaids but I choose 2 of my sisters my cousin and then my best friend. My other best friends and they asked me to be theirs I wanted them but realistically it’s a big commitment to them and they have kids and it’s just a lot of effort on both sides so decided against and I didn’t want 6 due to Costs.

It sounds like she’s got lots of close friends and she’s had to pick somebody, which in effect means some people have had to be let down. Think of it this way, if you had been picked, others might be feeling the same way you are now. Short of having too many bridesmaids, there’s really no other way round this. She’s had difficult decisions to make and who knows what criteria she used to make them? Please try not to take it personally. Certainly don’t let it spoil the friendship going forward.

When i read ops post I was actually more worried about posts like yours then ops. Can't you offer advice without sounding so arrogant ? I also picked up on a vibe from ops mum and so did another poster. Don't gas light ppl, it's not nice.

Step back and read your post - from what you have said even if you are good friends you have a more intense view of this friendship than she does.
you are reading ALOT into this - who is to say she is having 4-6 bridesmaids? Who knows how she is choosing any she is having (family only? Kids only? She might not have any). I had one bridesmaid and one pageboy (my child niece and nephew) and my sister was a sort of bridesmaid/maid of honour (chose her own nice dress to walk down aisle with her kids but nothing more).

Your other comments about cutting other people out also is a reflection on how YOU interpret and handle things and not necessarily anyone else doing anything wrong so you need to focus on that

Your self esteem is so low so please do see someone about it. I've let it eat me up for years and now someone is helping me to see that I'm enough the way I am. I'd also say, please reconsider the camping trip. These little things are the first steps to being left-out for future events and that would massively contribute to the esteem issues. Hold your head high, be yourself and just remember that after a few months, weddings are history - lovely memories, but not the focal event they are before hand - friendships last forever, as do regular making memory events like camping holidays.

Have I missed something?

You clearly have not been helped or asked to help with card designs, etc etc all things people help Bride get prepared; and then naturally, some are chosen as a natural consequence of that proximity to wedding details and can be very helpful to other guests on the day.

So why would she choose you as a bridesmaid? Just because she has known you since 5? Are you teh ONLY person in teh world she has known since 5-10 yo?

Yes, you need counselling sharpish.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rejected.

My best friend got married abroad and I attended. Along with 6 of her university friends.
I was asked to organise the hen do, but wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid - as she'd decided not to have any. Although she did get her younger disabled sister to be ringbearer.
I did my utmost to not be bothered by that.
But what weirdly hurt the most was during the photos, there was "one with the friends", and all the uni mates swept in, surrounding the bride, and I was the odd one out right at the end of the line! Sorry, but it's clearly known I was best and oldest friend, I should have been next to the bride.
It's the only formal photo of me and the bride and I'm the afterthought pal!

When it came to having a photo or two from the wedding, I asked for a nice one of the bride and groom together. Which is framed and on a wall in my house. I couldn't face having the "friends" photo at all.

“Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered.”

this is the bit that stood out in your post to me. You felt forgotten or your felt excluded and you assumed your friend wasn’t bothered.

You need to do some work on yourself to feel more secure and less rejected. Sometimes we just have to bear these feelings and not catastrophise and reject people back.

I have lost friends who over reacted like you.

You probably do have perfectly valid reasons for feeling rejected and unhappy but you need to work hard to deal with these feelings or you will lost out more.

you come across as quite needy. Perhaps your friend has picked up on this and doesn't want to be worrying about anyone else (you) in the lead up and on her big day so hasn't included you in the main bridal party.

Just buy a nice outfit and enjoy your day as a guest.

Gently, OP, I wonder if you do struggle with self esteem in general? I can see why this may be a surprise or shock, but how do you know what her plans are? Is she having adult bridesmaids at all? are their pressures on her to choose certain people?

I have never been a bridesmaid as an adult so I can see where you are coming from. It would be fun. But try not to take it too personally, I doubt it is meant that way.

You're overthinking this. Please don't waste your life fretting about where you sit in the friendship league tables - it's not a contest, and nobody over the age of 11 should be making a big deal over the designation of 'best friend'. She's a friend. Be happy for her marrieage; go along to support her with a big smile, and maybe a little relief that you don't have to incur the additional costs and responsibilities of being a bridesmaid.

"She doesn't consider me one of her top 4-6 friends". So you know why you haven't been chosen then!

4 adult bridesmaids (4 minus sisters or close female cousins = less than 4 for friends)
2-3 adult bridesmaids (2-3 minus sisters or close female cousins = less than 4 for friends)
1 adult bridesmaid ( 1 minus sisters or close female cousins = 0 for friends)

Easy really! Have you really only been to weddings with 6 or more adult bridesmaids ... I don't think I've ever been to one with more than 4!

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I think this has been a shock to the system for you where you expected to be invited as a bridesmaid and you haven’t been and it really hurts. I think it’s completely valid that you have hurt feelings but I do agree with some of the other posters when they say it’s not your friends fault. Weddings are really tricky and it’s very difficult choosing bridesmaids and people choose them for lots of reasons. My best friend in the world didn’t choose me as a bridesmaid and I was hurt. I felt similar to you as we have known each other since birth. It turned out she had her sister as a bridesmaid and her sister in law. I just had to hide my hurt and continue to support her, when it came to my wedding I asked her to be one of my bridesmaids and I ended up having 6 because I couldn’t choose 😅😂. I think in this situation you just have to let it go, don’t ask her about it, don’t say anything about it, be as normal as you can be and let the hurt pass you by. You might benefit from speaking to a therapist not because you are ‘crazy’ or ‘over-reacting’ but because you are hurt and it would be beneficial to talk to someone who is unbiased who can help support you. Good luck ♥️

One of my best friends is getting married this August, she is having none of our group as bridesmaids. We’ve all been best friends since primary school (we’re all now 40), talk all the time, meet up regularly, and even started holidaying together in the last few years. When I married 10 years ago, I had none of them as my bridesmaids either. I would not have wanted to choose between them, and like your friend I had other friends outside the group who I was very close to. Do not end your friendship over this. I really do think you’re reading too much into this. Go celebrate her day and enjoy yourself.

If the wedding invites only came out 5 weeks after they got engaged maybe she hasn't decided yet?
If she has such a big circle of friends as you put it, maybe she doesn't want to offend anyone and is only going to choose family?
Maybe she wants to tell the chosen ones at the camping trip as it is still all so new? Have you seen her in person since they have been engaged? It was personally something I wanted to ask mine to do in person not via text or phone.
There are alot of factors to consider here and you honestly shouldn't take it to heart, if you aren't chosen just see it as a day you get to enjoy and not have the additional bridesmaid jobs to do.

A friend of mine, my oldest friend who I have known forever didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid and I was hurt at the time, but she did involve me with favour making etc, I later was told she didn't want to ask anyone that wasn't family as she didn't want to put pressure on them to attend the wedding as it was in Tobago, and at the time I was struggling with huge vet bills, so in a way it was kinda thoughtful, so this may be the case with you too, you just don't know the reasons yet????

Ok you’re like 30. Time to chill.
you friend will ask. Or not. Or maybe she’s not having bridesmaids! It’s less of a trend now, especially with older brides.

or maybe she’s closer with others, or trusts others more! Or a million of things.

offer to help with whatever, all of you can handle whatever, and just be there for your friend.

this isn’t about you!

You can talk and get clarification, but that won’t be nice for you or the bride!! Totally would be rude.

it might be for the best for your friendship. Don’t think too hard on it.

Yabu. Bridesmaids are usually family members and from both sides. You better going as a guest anyway.

How have you made her special day about you instead of her? Be happy for her and enjoy the day. Be glad you have a friend of this many years. Nobody owes you anything.

Your feelings are valid but I would think outside the box a bit as there will be reasonable mitigating factors surrounding why you weren’t selected as a bridesmaid. Weddings are super stressful! I would continue to be that good friend that you describe yourself as and ask if there is a role you can play on the day such as helping her to organise something! I bet she would appreciate that and you also get to have a role to play in her big day. Good luck x

The simple solution to this is to just ask her. This is a lot of anxiety about something that you don’t know the answer to.

Perhaps you aren’t a bridesmaid. Perhaps she’s not having any at all. You just don’t know.

what’s clear is that you are tying up your self esteem in what other people think of you or how important you are to them.

you are a good, kind person who is good enough in all ways without the approval of others or this endorsement of being a bridesmaid. You are good enough and worthy of love and respect.

if you find the above difficult to get on board with, your issue isn’t the friend really, it’s your opinion of yourself.

your mum might be trying to protect you from what she sees as a hurtful situation. But unfortunately to someone with low self esteem this isn’t a great approach.

you would likely benefit from some therapy around this so you don’t keep being affected by it.

Maybe she isn’t having any bridesmaids or she has asked her sisters, nieces or cousins, which is pretty standard. You seem like you’re overthinking this and getting ahead of yourself. Maybe have a conversation with yourself and work on your self esteem because no one deserves to be this upset and miserable, especially over a wedding.

People are being harsh and dismissive in their responses.
You are allowed to feel hurt about spmething like that OP (just not on mums net apparently! 😏)

I have been similarly upset about friendship related stuff before....if you don't have a close relationship with your family or many of them (your mum sounds very cold) then you do naturally put more onus on friendships to fill those gaps.

My MOH cut me off completely just after my wedding, we had been very close friends for over 10yrs.

It's really bloody painful when someone you thought you care about alot, have alot of history and memories with, and thought you were really important to doesn't appear to think the same.

People's behaviour sadly doesn't make sense sometimes :(

Forgot to add I too posted about the topic on here at the time some years ago, and got similar responses, saying I was 'intense' 'hard work' and worse.
Unfortunately showing any kind of upset about friendship issues is not taken kindly by many on here, who seem to think you should not show vulnerability or weakness about such things.