To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

[aenre2or]

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

Fecking weddings! So much angst for one day. Elope people . Elope!!!

Don't think not being asked to be a bridesmaid means you are not as fun, likeable or interesting as the ones she deems to ask instead of you. It means nothing of the kind and your mums comment was uncalled for. People choose bridesmaids often as a family tradition. I had a second cousin as mine as my mum had her mum as her bridesmaid and I was bridesmaid to my cousins mum. My daughter broke the tradition by choosing her own but you can see how family politics influence this. Maybe she has siblings with young daughters and is having them or even her own sisters or cousins.

I would not take all this too personally. Thank your lucky stars you won't have to organise hen dos or cope with any bridezilla nonsense. Certainly don't place any importance on this one decision she has made as reflecting how she sees your friendship or a judgement on your personality.

Sorry OP i’m also in the YABU camp. You’re overthinking it.

For example, just because you get on with her parents, and the two sets of parents are friendly, this doesn’t mean anything at all. I get on with my mum’s friend but i really dislike her daughter, even though we went to school together.

PPs are right when they say you’ve likely had a lucky escape. No way would i want to have the task of planning hen dos etc.

I’ve never been a bridesmaid for my 2 best friends as one of them wants to elope and the other got married in a registry office and didn’t have any bridesmaids. It really doesn’t matter.

OP - I had a friend just like you, so do you mind if I offer you some advice?

To my (now ex) friend, I was one of her 'best' friends - the reason being that she had about 3 friends in total. I had a variety of friends accumulated from different times in my life. I liked my friend and enjoyed her company, but never considered her to be a best friend. When I got married, I thought hard about my bridesmaids - I had 4 - 2 friends and 2 sisters - and I honestly never considered this friend as an option. I just didn't feel that way about her. Well, that did not go down well with her. To the point that she actually asked if she could be one!! I said 'no'. So she asked if she could do a reading at the wedding. Again, No. Eventually we mutually agreed that she could pick some of the music for the wedding.

Then, when I had my baby, she was most put out that she wasn't either asked to be godmother or even invited to the Christening (small family only) and stopped speaking to me. It was utterly ridiculous. Yes, she was my friend, but somehow she felt that entitled her to access every part of my life, some of which was quite personal. I didn't pursue it after she took offense about the Christening and we haven't spoken since (11 years ago).

So, my advice is, just because you are friends, doesn't mean that she values you as much as you value her, and doesn't entitle you to make demands on her important life choices. Either go with the flow, or, if it isn't working for you, then end the friendship.

Being a bridesmaid is awful.

@aenre2or the only place the scenario you are upset about exists at the moment, is in your own head. You are worrying about something that isn't even real and hasn't happened. This is awful self-torture and you have made yourself really unhappy.

You cannot control other people, so whether or not your friend chooses you to be a bridesmaid is 100% outside of your control. You worrying about it now, is actually spoiling your relationship with her and your enjoyment of the anticipation of her wedding and for all you know, you may still be asked.

Maybe step back for a bit and reflect on what you are doing to yourself and maybe have a think about why you want to be asked so much. Does it come from a place of love and good wishes for your friend who is getting married, or because you want or need to be asked to be a bridesmaid. That sounds like a harsh question but it might actually be at the root of what is making you unhappy.

I hope whatever happens you have a fabulous time as a guest or bridesmaid at your friend's wedding and can celebrate and enjoy it fully on the day.

Sorry this made me laugh its a friend wedding not a breakup.
But so something i would say.

It sounds to me (unless I've completely read it wrong) that you don't know for definite that you're not a bridesmaid and you don't know if she's having any bridesmaids at all. You're getting upset about something you can't be sure of. I've been a bridesmaid twice and both times I got standard wedding invites.

If you haven't been asked to be a bridesmaid, it doesn't take anything away your friendship, you're still close. Sometimes though, our longest friendships aren't always our closest. If someone pinned me down and forced me to tell them who I see as my best friend, right at this moment, I wouldn't say my friend of 15 years or another of 11 years, I'd probably say a fairly new friend who I met last year. We just connect so well and I'd probably ask her to me a bridesmaid over other people if I were to get married again.

Same here - couldn’t ask everyone, didn’t want to leave anyone out so I asked my sister and a friend who lived close by - was so much more practical as they lived a few mins away and didn’t cause them or me any hassle to pop along for appointments etc

I can add little further to the wisdom of the good women of MN, OP, who have (as often in these situations) given such helpful responses.

But if it's any comfort to you, I wasn't bridesmaid for one of my closest friends either - we grew up together from our primary reception year - and it didn't occur to me to mind either then or now. Secretly, I'd have hated it in any event. Looking back, I think it's probable that certain of her other friends might have acted up if they hadn't been chosen, and her then DH's sister certainly would have. It's likely that she knew I wouldn't, and in any case it left me better able to hang out with her parents, who I love as my second family.

I've never asked her reasons as it's never seemed to matter. But it hasn't affected our friendship one iota and many years later we are still close.

Kudos to you for taking the advice on this thread in such good part.

I disagree with the masses and think this SHOULD affect your friendship - not in that you should confront or fall out with her but in that you need to find other friends and put more energy into them than her.

It seems clear that there is a huge imbalance here - that you have always considered her your closest friend and hence prioritised her but she has many friends and clearly doesn't see you as one to prioritise.

She's sent you a clear message here and it's going to be hard to swallow but reacting negatively to it in any way is only going to reflect poorly on you.

Take some time to deal with the hurt and maybe book yourself a holiday or break away, if you can (preferably around the time of hen, if you feel it will be too confronting to be away with just her and other friends/bridesmaids) and then focus on a new hobby or group and look forward to a nice new outfit etc for her wedding.

Just step back from her a bit, OP. Put the spare time you would have spent on her on someone/something else.

I'm a decade older than you, and have learnt to not give too much of a stuff about other people's weddings. I married young, and had my only sister, my only cousin, and a friend as bridesmaids. When my cousin married, I thought she might ask me and my sister, or the two little girls I had by then. Instead, she asked a couple of friends that she hadn't met until university. Who knows why?! But it was her choice, and didn't affect our relationship or mean that the three of us are no longer close. It's nice to be asked, but doesn't necessarily mean anything to not be asked.

@Aquamarine1029 This happened to me. It was my ex's sister and I actually wrote her a letter to say how upset I was. She never contacted me and it took two years and her having a child to bring us back together again. (They got divorced, he was a cheat to his first wife and her and another wife after that and abandoned his child but that is another story).

I felt unworthy because my ex had been married and his ex-wife had had his sisters as bridesmaids, and this underlined that she was accepted and I wasn't. I made a terrific drama out of the whole thing and I feel ashamed of myself now. Thankfully it is a long time ago now and I don't see them.

I wasn't close with her like this OP is with her friend, but I wanted to be chosen, and I wasn't so I can relate to the OP whilst agreeing it is extreme and silly because I know I was.

She may not have any bridesmaids? (I didn't).

Or she may be in a situation where she has to have a future SIL(s) or family members as BMs. (My best friend basically got bullied into having her sister, a cousin and her groom's sister - it's not that uncommon).

But I think you have had a lucky escape to be honest. You get the fun stuff and none of the expectation and stress.

I'm glad you are considering counselling. I hope it helps.

I would feel the same as you. It must be really confusing for you not knowing. I don’t have any useful advice but I would still go to the wedding as guest and then see how things are after.

We did. 😀

It's never been a decision we've regretted and if we had our time over again we'd do exactly the same thing.

@aenre2or
You've had lots of mixed responses - I think some of them have been rather mean and harsh.
You can't help how you feel, and I don't really have any advice or suggestions, but I do understand why you are feeling rejected and I don't think you are being totally unreasonable at all.
But you can control how you manage this disappointment, (if your assumption about the bridesmaid issue turns out to be correct) - I just don't know how best to do it 🤷‍♀️

My key takeaway from this is that your mum's a bitch.

Sorry to hear this OP.
Two of the four women I asked to be my bridesmaids did not ask me to be theirs, and I ended the friendships over it. I didn’t see how we could carry on after that.

Wow!

You have a low bar for using such a name

......... and this explains why there are so many posts on here from people with no friends.

Completely drama seeking over-reaction.

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Really? I can't see that her mother did anything wrong at all. It sounds like her mother was genuinely surprised that the OP expected to be a bridesmaid when (apparently) she's not particularly close to this women (who has a wide circle of friends).

The OP is 33 years old - is her mother not supposed to treat her like an adult and speak honestly?

You're surprised @Aquamarine1029 ? This is Mumsnet, where friendships, marriages and even family relationships are viewed as transactional. Everything must be 50/50 at all times or "no contact" it is.

It must take a lot of energy to keep a scorecard for every person in your life.

Do you actually know who she's having as bridesmaids?
I'm engaged and only planning on having my sisters and sister in law, with dh's nieces as flower girls. My friends will all be wedding guests.
It might be that when you find out more about her wedding you will be less upset, depending on what she's actually planning.x